About Last Night: Thursday

Mini caps of American Idol, Top Chef, Real World, and America’s Next Top Model.

American Idol: IceQueen

So I actually enjoyed American Idol last night, and not just because it was Motown Night. Our little song-testants actually turned in some in-tune, entertaining and engaging performances. The population of Cranksville, USA dropped by one last night as I got “the goosies” a couple of times.
Casey agreed to put his big boy pants on last night to sing “Heard it Through the Grapevine.” Apparently he put them on to impress a girl. He looked pretty good in a suit — less like a wolfman and more like a teddy bear, which is I’m sure the look he was going for. He was probably like, “I really want to impress this girl Megan. I’m going to invite her to the show, slick my hair back, and look like a giant huggy bear.” Megan seemed to enjoy Huggy Bear’s performance, though, and so did the judges. Huggy managed to contain that wild, screamy energy he has and turned in a controlled performance. Here’s hoping Megan is down to smoosh, Huggy Bear!

Last week the judges told Thia she was boring with her Disney-music cover song. This week, she’s going to show the judges she can shine! She does “Heatwave.” Was it just me, or did she forget the words part way through? I’m just thankful she managed to stay awake through the entire song. The judges thought it was a’ight and want her to take more chances.

Lusky sang “You’re All I Need to Get By.” Jimmy Iodine warns Lusky that he needs to restrain himself sometimes and I back that up with a big Amen. You don’t need to screech at the top of your lungs all the time, every time. Lusky — like Huggy Bear — does a nice job reigning it in. You can tell it’s killing him. You know he just wants to let loose. But he holds on to the song until the appropriate time and turns in an enjoyable performance. You know who really liked it? Kirsten Dunst. So that’s what she’s up to now…

Lauren says she can relate to the song “You Keep Me Hanging On” because it’s about having self-confidence and walking away from negative people. And since the show started, people have said some terrible things about her and now it’s time for her to be confident and be herself. Who said bad things about her? What bad things? Hopefully these children have learned at this point that they shouldn’t Google themselves. If you’re reading this, Lauren, we think you’re awesome. Now get off the internet and do something productive!

She does a fine job with the song, although I think she did better last week. Randy thinks she’s got her swagger on high.

Stefano’s mom made all the contestants dinner and brought some leftovers for Seacrest. Later, Gordon Ramsay insults the leftovers, which was a real asshole move, even for Gordon Ramsay, professional kitchen cunt. Stefano’s going to be singing “Hello.” The producers tell him to open his eyes while he’s singing, and he makes it through about 50% of his performance with his eyes open. The judges tell him he’s got the looks and the skills to pay the bills, but if he doesn’t open his goddam eyes, they’re going to tape them open, Clockwork Orange-style.

Haley straightened her hair so that she could sing “You Really Got a Hold on Me.” She also adopted Scotty McCreery’s habit of awkwardly tilting the head while singing. She sounds good, but still hasn’t figured out what to do with the hand that isn’t holding the mic. The judges are happy with the performance.

Speaking of Scotty, he does a country-fried version of “For Once in My Life.” The performance is a little cheestastic and twitchy, but the ladies seem to love it. The judges say it wasn’t his strongest performance, but they — like the girls in the crowd — loved when he hit the low notes.

Pia sang “All in Love is Fair.” She sounded great and had the audience cheering halfway through and then ended on a crazy big note. The judges loved the sound, but called her on a boring performance, noting that she stood in one spot the entire time and she can’t do a two hour concert standing in one spot.

Bradley Cooper’s baby brother Paul hauled out his acoustic guitar so that he could do a high-pitched whisper version of “Tracks of My Tears.” I like that he had the guitar, because it prevented him from lurching around the stage with his arm swinging around like a hipster Quasimoto. The judges say he has a distinct tone to his voice like Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson.

Naima chose “Dancing in the Street” because it’s a song with a message and she wanted to dance. That’s a bold move on her part, because she often loses her breath early on in her songs, even when she’s not dancing. She goes for it, though, finally singing in the right key and then breaking it down African-style toward the end, with drummers and hair and arms flying. The judges thought it was exciting and so did I.

So whoever gets voted through gets to go on tour this summer with the other contestants and perform at such exciting venues as the Kentucky State Fair. As you can see, there was a lot on the line last night. Who do you think will get booted tonight? Something tells me Thia may be on her way out. The good news is that she just turned 16, so she can drive herself back home!

Top Chef: J-Mo

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our 247th episode of Top Chef – All Stars: The Pre-Semi-Demi-Hemi-Kinda-Sorta-Almost-Juuuuuust-About-Final-Finale Show. You know, back when I was in my early 40′s and just starting to recap this season, I had high hopes that at this point we would have some great chefs competing for the Top Spot (and the Ultimate Bitchin’ Braggin’ Rights that go with it)… I mean, I saw OranJello good-naturedly going up against Beaker, and the two of them squaring off against a feisty (yet chastened) Dung v2.0, with maybe a talented asshole like TurkeyHair or EvangelAss thrown into the mix to make it spicy, and give us someone to hate on a little.

Instead, we’ve reached a very unsavory situation that is basically the Battle Of The Blazing Sexist Asshats plus LowFatSo. And of course, since we aren’t really at the finish line, they’re not allowed to just cook their best food, we’re still stuck with one last QuickFire Challenge. It’s highly fitting that in a season that seems to be running close to empty in the Imagination Tank, we wind up with the Final QuickFire being a choice of seven other “favorite” QuickFires from the past. I guess the Magical Elves are just tapped out, and it’s their own damned fault, nobody told them they HAD to make this a seventeen-episode season. Anyhow, they did NOT bring back the Vending Machine QuickFire (which would have been awesome) but instead picked things like Make Stuff Out Of Canned Food or High Class Hot Dogs And Hamboogairs. Naturally the chefs get to pick challenges for each other, and Sexist Pigshit immediately tries to fuck LowFatSo (thank heaven the metaphorical sense is the only way that would ever even come CLOSE to happening). Ahh, but midway through Scar appears and hands the chefs another recycled idea, this time in the form of a QuickFire Restriction From The Past, which is also lame, but there is a sweet bonus that comes with this twist that you’re gonna love.

As for the Elimination Challenge, it’s another regurgitation, this time it’s the “Last Meal Request” of three totally major chefs, one being Michelle Bernstein (in her 47th appearance on this show), another being Wolfgang Puck (who should be forced to eat his own frozen foods for every single meal for a month or until his asshole bleeds preservatives) and the last one being Matisyahu Morimoto of Iron Chef fame (who really just needs an interpreter… the poor chef stuck with him doesn’t get to see the subtitles, so I doubt they understood what in the yakisoba he was even SAYING half the time). Also, there is a Mysterious Envelope that comes into play towards the end… and unfortunately it is not a Wild Card Save that brings Beaker back into the competition again. It is, however, as tiresome as ALL Mysterious Envelopes tend to be on this show. I’ll be back in a few days with the full recap, and in the meantime, if you haven’t already checked them out, please visit the Top Chef Archives right here on TVGasm.com, where you can see the hilarious and LOL-able work of both Flipit and LoLo (and yours truly) as we recap Seasons Two through Seven (that Sucked)!

Real World: VirginiaApple

Well, for starters, Dustin and Reverend Awesome make up after they’ve both cooled off and RA apologizes. However, now our other two guys, Roy Lee and Adam, are at odds over Adam’s drunken dickishness. They continue to argue on and off through most of the episode, but my DVR cut off in the middle of their last conversation so that cliffhanger will have to wait for the full recap. The initial argument with Roy Lee causes Adam to “confess” to Nany about his stint in juvie. She continues to inch closer to him, both physically and emotionally, and as we all know it’s only a matter of time at this point. Adam also bonds with RA a little over their troubled pasts.

The roommates also get their “internship” assignment, and it appears to be a variety of PR work. This leads to Adam, Roy Lee, and Naomi being forced to work together doing the more manual labor, but there’s no drama aside from Naomi’s complete lack of a work ethic. I hope we don’t see too much of this prissy side, because I want to like her. The other roomies appear to have to put together a display table, but that leads to nothing aside from a cameo by Pink, who is completely unimpressed that Nany has seen one of her concerts. Oh, but RA brings his printed out resume and dresses like this is a real job interview. Something tells me he’s been spending too much time in the actual real world to watch much of The Real World.

Another thing that was only a matter of time was the inevitable boning between Dustin and Teacup. Despite Dustin telling Adam that Teacup wouldn’t be able to handle it (REALLY, Dustin?! SHE’S the crazy one who’s too attached?!), they proceed to get it in. But enough about all of that. In far more exciting news (and my personal favorite part of the episode), the bromance between RA and Roy Lee seems to be blossoming beautifully, and it continues to be a delight to watch. Here’s hoping we have much more of that this season. Come back soon for the full recap!

America’s Next Top Model: P-Baby Walker

Last night on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were faced with an initial challenge of working in groups of three to hock Covergirl cosmetics in a one minute presentation, specifically honing in on some green nature line that is probably no different than all the other shit lining Walmart’s cosmetic aisle shelves. I know it comes with watching this show, but seriously. WE. GET. IT. Covergirl shits pirate gold and lollipops. Enough.

Predictably, at the challenge, Alex/Alexandria (that’s her name now since she is very obviously suffering from multiple wenchy personalities) reared it’s ugly head yet again, causing many a side eye from both the other models and from yours truly. This chick is either a serial killer by night or in serious need of a Xanax. Trust.

In an surprising turn of events, it looks like brain child Monique and I might be BFF’s after all, taking into account her reading Alexandria’s diary behind her back, hating cats, and overall awesome attitude through this episode. I remember Diarygate from last cycle but since Alexandria’s such a bitch, I say her diary is fair game. Also, who keeps diaries anymore beside Elizabeth Wakefield? I just needed to ask that.

The photo shoot tonight involved the cutest baby cat ever, Molly’s bad weave part deux, and some fake fur vests designed by Rachel Zoe. Not much else happens at the shoot except my continued proclamation to avoid fake fur was reaffirmed. It looks like frontrunners are shaping up to be Brittani (yes!) Hannah (meh.) and possibly Monique. Check back in a few days to see which of the 8 girls remain.