About Last Night: Thursday

Mini caps of Top Chef, ANTM and American Idol

Top Chef: J-Mo

HEY everybody! I just want you all to know… that I WILLED this mini-cap to happen… and now I’m gonna cry. Mostly tears of joy and relief that it’s almost allllll over for another several months and I won’t have to look at this pair of fuckbuckets again.

SO, tonight was the Final For Realsies Finale of Top Chef – All Scuzz, and as many of you know already it was a Battle Of The Arrogant vs. The Entitled (i.e. Mike “Sexist Pigshit” Isabella vs. Richard “BlazeHawk” Blais). The challenge they were given by Daddy Tom was to create “The Restaurant Of Their Dreams”… which for BlazeHawk would be at a chemical factory and for Pigshit would probably be on Fire Island (not because he’s gay, but because there would be very few vaginas there). Except really, they just had to create a menu and pick a few wines, because they’re using pre-existing restaurants. If you were hoping for a montage of them frantically choosing candles, dishes and decor, like some kind of weird Design Star spin-off, you’re going to be disappointed.

Naturally, they brought back all fifteen of the Eliminated All-Stars to choose as their sous-chefs, only they made it INTERESTING for a change, because they didn’t allow the two Finalists to just flat-out pick people… instead, they put the All-Stars through a mini-QuickFire, asking them to make an amuse-bouche, which were then served to SexPig and Blazey… unlabeled. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, so they had to pick their sous-chefs based on the flavor of the little dishes set before them. The results of these choices are completely hysterical, especially in Sexist Pigshit’s case (you are going to love who he ends up with, I PROMISE!)

For most of the rest of the show it’s pretty much just a grind grind grind grind grind put forth by a huffing and puffing (and ever-sweatier) SexPig… and BlazeHawk’s hair gets worse and worse with every passing second. Oh, and (NOT-A-SURPRISE!) the dessert round is what gives both of them the most trouble in terms of their respective meals, and one of them makes a controversial decision to change their dish up mid-stream. And then finally… blissfully… a “winner” is chosen. And the loser acts like a complete bitch.

As an added bonus tonight, there was a special episode of Watch Us Ass-Kiss Live with a red-eyed and slurry Andy “Bobblehead” Cohen, along with Pigshit and BlazeHawk (one of whom is also pretty drunk) and we get to find out Fan Favorite! It’s been narrowed down to two chefs from the same season… and the loser acts like a complete bitch. I may include a little recappage of this show because there were a few funny moments (none of them inspired by ANYTHING that came out of BobbleHead’s mouth, he was pretty cringeworthy the entire time, but you know how when you’re drunk you think everything coming out of your mouth is super-witty and charming and giggle-inducing… and you hear yourself later and it pretty much sounds like “blllrrrggl fabpzzzz blibbit poo-poo danglebangle pppblllflbllt glig!”????… well, THAT’S what happened live). Check back in a couple of days for the full recap and thanks again for sticking with me through this season, we’re almost done!

American Idol: IceQueen

Last night, the top 11 American Idol contestants were back, with two of them singing for their lives — literally; the special guest on tonight’s show will be a firing squad. This week’s theme is Elton John, which is exciting because he has such a prodigious songbook that there’s the potential to hear a lot of great songs. Just as long as Thia restrains herself from singing anything from The Lion King, we should be good to go!

Scotty got us started. Fortunately for him, Sir Elton had one country song, so Scotty’s did “Country Comfort,” a song about a grandma maybe? And a truck… And the country. And how comfortable it is there. Scotty shouted out his granny and hit a low note at the end and the judges ate it up, as usual.

Naima, Naima, Naima… Sigh. While Naima’s idea to do a reggae version of “I’m Still Standing” was unique, it was one of those ideas that was better in theory than in practice when she was swaying across the stage and yelling “boom, fire!” in her Juh-fake-an accent. Juh-makin’ us crazy, am I right? You know what it reminded me of? Remember that old Drew Barrymore movie “Never Been Kissed?” There’s a scene where Drew goes to a club where there’s a fake reggae band and Jessica Alba is dancing and Drew eats a giant pot brownie given to her by some rastafarians and it’s all so cheesy and fake that you’re kind of embarrassed watching it. It’s all reggae light and reggae shouldn’t be light. Unless you’re Ziggy Marley. But then your last name is Marley so you can do whatever you want…

Anyway. The judges didn’t really like it and Randy called it corny. Steven just said “boom-shaka-laka-laka. I don’t know if he meant it in a good way or a bad way or if it was part of some sort of spell he was casting again.

Paul sang “Rocket Man” which seemed like a great choice for him. Paul. I don’t know about Paul, ya’ll. We agree that he’s likeable and nice to look at and he’s pleasant to watch. But can he really sing? I can’t tell. He’s always whispering and talk-singing. And he often gives up on notes before he even really tries to hit them. Also, that suit he wore last night — that could only work during Elton John week. Unless there’s a Liberace week coming up that we don’t know about.

Randy thought it was pitchy and that the soft parts were infections. JHo thought Paul was holding back and there’s more to his voice than he may know. Steven doesn’t think it’s necessary for good singers to hit their notes all the time.

Pia sang “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me,” even though the judges have been ragging on her about singing ballads and being boring and whatnot. She did take their advice about moving around the stage more, so she hobbled around in her heels and her teeny, tiny, sparkly dress some. She killed it as usual and the judges thought it was great but still would like to see her show the audience that she’s versatile.

Stefano sang “Tiny Dancer” and kept his eyes open most of the time, which was huge. He must have really gotten a wakeup call being in the bottom last week. He sounded great, for the most part, and the quality of his voice made the song sound updated. The judges thought it started iffy but he really connected with the audience.

Lauren sang “Candle in the Wind” and purposely stayed close to the original version. She sounded fantastic and made it look very easy although it certainly wasn’t the most exciting performance. The judges loved it.

James had the most exciting performance, as usual. I won’t go through it all here, but there was a lot of running around, some fire, some screaming and some more fire and more screaming. The judges loved it and then James told a pretty awful joke about having a Pepsi moment and having his hair catch on fire.

Thia Megia sang “Daniel.” I was not familiar with this song, but it was pretty and she did a fine job. From now on, when someone does an acceptable but snoozy job with something, we’re going to say they Thia’d it. So Thia just Thia’d “Daniel” right out of the park! The judges said it was pretty and safe. In other words, it was Thia’d.

Casey took his shot at redemption and rolled with it, getting a haircut, a beard trim and performing “Our Song.” He sat on a stool and sang without growling and screeching and actually sounded really good, even hitting some really high notes at the end. The judges patted themselves on the back for making such an amazing, awesome decision to save him last week.

Jacob sang “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word.” Jimmy Iovine warned him not to overdramatize it and he kept it reigned in until the very end when he hit the big notes. The judges enjoyed it, although Randy felt there were some places where he didn’t need to be quite so reigned in.

Haley ended the show with “Bennie and the Jets.” She really tried to do better with her movement. She tried hard. She spent the first third of the song sitting on top of a piano where she wouldn’t have to move, although she seemed to get stuck up there a for awhile. She did end the song waving her left arm around wildly, again, but that didn’t detract from the fact that she sang the hell out of it and Randy called it the performance of the night. Steven thought it was sexy.

Whew! I’m glad they’re cutting two tonight. That was a lot of singing, but most of it was very good. My predictions for tonight’s bottom three: Naima, Thia and Paul. Did you vote? Oh, and the real guests on tonight’s show will be Fantasia, will.i.am and Jamie Foxx. Eh. I still have my fingers crossed for a surprise drop-in from Sir Elton!

America’s Next Top Model: P-Baby Walker

Last night on America’s Next Top Model, Tyra gave the girls a quick class lesson on how to be famous including practicing autographs, being gracious with fans, and all sorts of other stuff that none of these idiots, including the winner, will ever need to apply to their everyday lives.

1.  They will never be famous enough to actually have fans  2.  There about 6 billion other people on this earth whose autographs I’d rather have than anyone from this cycle or the 15 previous cycles, including everyone in Asia.  Do these girls really get asked for autographs? What would you do with something like that besides wipe your ass when you accidentally run out of toilet paper?

The girls get tested on how well they pay attention to an self-important ex-supermodel supposed Harvard educated nitwit and put their fame handling skills to work at the mall.  REALLY famous people don’t go to the mall..like..ever.  People that float around C to D List go to the mall or Kitson and get recognized as a way to feel better about their non-careers.  Case and point.  I met Jordan Knight at the mall circa 1998.  He was an asshat even in his utter irrelevance, though I’m sure he would have been nicer if I was 18 and legally able to give him a BJ.  Now I’ve paid $125  and I’m going to see NKOTB and BSB in concert this summer. Things come full circle I suppose.

The photoshoot this week had the girls split into groups by hair color or as I like to call it, the Bettys and Veronicas.  Isn’t it amazing that a stupid ginger like Archie gets two hot babes fighting over him for like 6 decades?  Anyway, the theme is to get covered in mud and make yourself stand out amongst the crowd.  Alexandria still believes her shit smells like cupcakes and continues to boss people around and then cry because she knows she’s not supposed to.  Monique amps her bitch level even more tonight which I didn’t think possible.  It’s totally awesome to watch because she owns it though I’d never, ever want to be friends with her in real life. Check back in a few days for the full recap and to see which Betty or Veronica gets shipped back to Riverdale.