About Last Night: Thursday

America’s Next Top Model: P-Baby Walker

Last night on ANTM, the girls come home to a bunch of free clothes with pink shit all over it for boob cancer.  Good cause, ugly clothes. It sucks that almost all the girls know someone going through breast cancer.  Remember on Nip/Tuck when Dr. Christian Troy got breast cancer and everyone was all like, “Holy cow, men can get breast cancer too!”  I’d bet it’d be even easier to draw attention to that fact if not everything representing breast cancer was neon fucking pink. Anyway, the girls get to style themselves including hair and makeup for a photo shoot about cancer and being strong and it’s all very convoluted.  I don’t know why they can’t just model a piece of jewelry with a bug on them like old times instead of attempting to be so symbolic.  It’s all irrelevant though because I just saw a Ford commercial with Nigel.  With HAIR.

Guys, is her name Alexandra or Alexandria?  Maybe it’s my head cold that appears to be developing but now I’m just getting confused with this bitch’s name is.  What’s awesome is when  Brittani brings out the trashy that Iknew she had and yells at her at the photo shoot in front of Nigel.  Alex/Alexandria calls her fake which, why is that the go to insult on every reality show now?   Ronnie from Jersey Shore would rather lose a kidney than be called fake.  Even on The Bachelor, they have their own “Here for the right reasons” bullshit which is essentially a long way of saying Fake.

Anyway, fucking finally something remotely interesting has happened on this show, though not as interesting as Red Bullgate and while I generally don’t condone cussing a bitch out in real life, Alexandria is no ordinary bitch. One time I gave a bitch the finger and she tried to get me to pull over on the side of the road to “talk it out” to which I replied, “No thanks lady, no shankings for me today.”

So more stuff happens that make me jealous including 1.  Going to Universal Studios and 2. Getting styled by the fabulous love of my life Eric Daman, Gossip Girl stylist on a Psycho themed photo shoot. I fucking hate CW shows but I still watch Gossip Girl because of the fashion, the smut…and Chace Crawford.

Throughout the entire episode the girls are in serious hate mode towards Alex/Alexandria so hopefully that means she’ll stick around until the near end.  Check back in a few days for the full recap to see if the Hellbreather lives to terrorize another day.

Real World: VirginiaApple

You guys, I was eating an overflowing bowl of chocolate ice cream while I watched this episode, and boy did I need it. Let’s start off with the lighter stuff: Naomi and Roy Lee continue to bring home conquests and thus far have stuck with their “friends with benefits” arrangement. Those always have the potential to go south, but based on how laid back they both are for the most part, I highly doubt they’ll reach the level of clusterfuck that their other roomies passed weeks ago. Thankfully, this episode didn’t have any Dustin/Teacup drama. And although I could certainly use some more MikeMike moments (seriously, you guys- WATCH THE DAILIES. Especially the ones with MikeMike, they are utterly hilarious and awesome), I much prefer watching Naomi and Roy Lee giggle and make fun of each other’s one night stands over…

Adam and Nany. Good lord, you guys, shit got REAL this week. Believe it or not, it was even WORSE than what the previews showed. For starters, after they wake up in each other’s arms, Nany tells Naomi how happy she is being single and that she doesn’t want Adam to take them seriously. Meanwhile, Adam is having a videochat with that pesky little girlfriend he has back home. Remember her? But wait, it gets better. Later, on the phone, he tells her she is not allowed to go to some party and that she must email him to request permission before texting any guys. I wanted to vomit, but I wouldn’t give Adam the satisfaction of wasting my delicious ice cream. Also, Nany went on a pseudo-date with the busboy from Vanity, but later found out that apparently he ALSO has a girlfriend.

And that’s when everything just went to complete shit. Nany cried for a bit, then consoled herself by making out with Adam. Dustin (who earlier in the episode predicted that things would get bad) convinced Teacup that it was a bad idea and she should pull Nany away. Adam, who was already wasted, proceeded to get completely obliterated. It’s the drunkest we’ve seen him, and that’s saying something. Once several grown men (security/roomies/Adam’s visiting friends) dragged him back to the suite, and Nany (who was also very drunk) showed up, he got violent. He started punching wildly, so Dustin pulled Nany into another room for her own safety. Dustin may treat girls like glass too much, but sometimes it comes in handy. And to put Adam’s frightening violence into Real World terms, he was basically a smaller version of CT.

Anyway, one of Adam’s douchebag friends called Nany a bitch, causing her to start screaming and trying to fight them or something. Dustin carried her flailing body away, telling her she was going to get hit, at which point she started screaming that she’s been hit by a guy before and she’s not scared. Quothe Dustin, “That doesn’t make it right.” Later that night, Adam was pretty much foaming at the mouth while Nany kept insisted to the other girls that she didn’t want to talk about her admission. It was as hideously uncomfortable as it sounds, and it is to be continued next week. Also, we got a PSA from Nany telling us it’s important to talk about these things, which is all well and good, but can someone please tell me why there isn’t a PSA tattooed to Ronnie and Sammi’s foreheads at this point?

Glamour Belles: TheCzar

Perhaps trying to cash in on the success of “Project Runway,” Lifetime premiered “Glamour Belles” last night, which reveals the drama – and humor – of finding the perfect looks for a bunch of Miss America wanna-bees. Or at least it tries to, anyway. The series revolves around Paige, the no-nonsense Tennessee dress store owner who uses her southern charm to accommodate those who take their beauty pageants seriously, dang it! This is hard-core shopping, people!

Last evening’s two episodes featured a bridezilla who must have a party dress for her reception (cuz one wedding dress just isn’t enough), various bratty children who throw fits on their overbearing stage moms, and a girl whose boobs are just too big to fit into the sequined material that appears plastered to her body. Ha. Ha. Ha. Most of the attempted humor comes from Jared, the bitchy store manager, and Joann, her meddlesome mother. Regardless, Paige really knows her stuff, which is why pageant hopefuls from all over the South come to her store not just to buy, but to win.

Because apparently, it’s not about your talent or sophistication. It’s about how much money you spend on a gaudy dress. Well, good luck, Glamour Belles! I’ll be watching …

American Idol: IceQueen

Thanks to pathetic service by Comcast, I missed the first five minutes of American Idol last night. If you can avoid COMCAST, I’d suggest doing so. They’re the devil. When I was finally able to turn the channel to Idol, Lusky was taking the stage and looking very bootylicious in all white. Last night was Rock and Roll Hall of Fame night and Jimmy Iovine was mentoring the contestants along with will.i.am. I just want to take a moment to congratulate will.i.am on his commitment to employing the disabled. It was very brave of him to hire a blind person to cut his hair….

Lusky sang Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror.” He’s really learned to restrain that big, crazy voice of his and he kept the song pretty soft. The judges thought it was perfect and Seacrest’s favorite part was the hip thrusts.

Haley took the judges’ advice from previous weeks and did Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart.” Will.i.am encouraged her to have an emotional connection to the song and to use his hairstylist for performance night. She did both and turned in a powerful performance that received a well-deserved standing O from the audience.

After some waffling, Casey settled on doing Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Have You Ever Seen the Rain.” He also played the standup bass while he sang, which seems like a difficult undertaking. The first half of the song wasn’t particularly interesting for me, but I got into the second half. He can do a lot with his voice and he sounded good without veering off into screech owl territory. Randy loved that Casey used the upright bass, saying he made it cool and it’s not just for polka and jazz anymore. Something tells me Randy won’t be working with any polka and jazz artists anytime soon. There goes his collaboration album: Hoop-Dee-Skee-Bop-Doo.

Lauren sang Aretha Franklin’s “Natural Woman.” Her performance outfit was ridiculous in a kind of awesome and awful way and she sounded fine, although her performance was slightly sleepy. She ended with a giggle, which is pretty cute and appropriate for a 16-year-old. Who cares what the judges say — you know who loved it? Christian Slater. Christian Slater was in every segment of Idol last night, so if you were wondering what happened to him, there you go. He’s been in the Idol audience all along. Also, he filmed a television show which premiered after Idol.

James switched things up last night and did a ballad instead of a wild rock song. He covered George Harrison’s “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” and wanted to surprise and impress everyone with his restraint. He, too, used will.i.am’s hair stylist. I thought it was an alright performance, but he’s clearly at his best when he’s rocking out. We’ll see what America says. However, he may have won a lot of people over with how emotional he got during the song. He was literally in tears by the end.

Scotty did Elvis’s “That’s Alright Mama.” If this surprised you, then you have not watched this show before. Scotty has mentioned Elvis in just about every episode that I’ve seen. And you know what, ya’ll? I actually liked it! Scotty sort of won me over with his gangly, awkward performance. But at the end, some squealing girls ran onstage to hug him, reminding me that I hate teenagers, and I was back to loathing him. Those girls better stay off my lawn….

Pia went in the opposite direction of James and switched from ballads to uptempo, performing Tina Turner’s “River Deep Mountain High.” I prefer her on ballads, but that may be because she’s still working on her performance chops. JLo suggested that she study lots of performers to learn some new skills, but overall, the judges loved it.

Stefano did “When a Man Loves a Woman.” He wisely ignores will.i.am’s advice to tie his shoe and check his blackberry during the performance. Steven and JLo loved it, but Randy thought the beginning was a little jerky.

Paul did Johnny Cash’s “Fulsome Prison Blues.” I think this was a good choice for him because it prevented him from doing the two things that I find most distracting about his performances: whispering and dancing. He played the guitar, which prevented him from moving around too much and the song doesn’t have any high notes, so he didn’t have to cover his inability to hit the notes by whispering. The judges loved it and thought it was a great way to end the evening.

We’re at the point in the season where I’m having trouble predicting who might go home. I think Stefano and Paul may be in trouble. Stefano’s been in the bottom before and the judges didn’t fawn over his performance, so the voting audience may take their cues from them. Paul has also been in the bottom before. I like watching him perform, but I just don’t think his voice is as strong as the others. I’ll be most interested to see what happens to James and Pia, though. We’ll see if switching gears paid off for them.

Top Chef: J-Mo

Hi foodie-folks! I don’t have much to say today because I don’t want to totally spoil the incredibly awesome SURPRISES that the Top Chef All Stars Reunion brought to the table… oh wait, there WERE none! Seriously, after eight seasons of this shit, I think there isn’t much that they could do to jazz up these lame-ass reunion shows, which is exactly why I am going to be incredibly harsh on it, because it sucks all kinds of fecal matter, in so very many many many ma-ny MANY ways.

Truthfully, you could just about take the last three Reunion Specials and digitally replace the chefheads, leave the soundtrack the same, and it’d STILL make total sense (and bore your colon into complete relaxation and make a mess on your nice suede couch). There are no awards given, so I made up my own, starting with Worst Makeover Hairstyle (women’s goes to Bitter Jen, who bought a brand new hair-hat, and men’s goes to Marcel Turkeyhair, who now looks like Nino Brown from New Jack City) and ending with Most Beaten To Death Dead-Horse, which goes to Andy Bobblehead Cohen, who suddenly found the balls to become assertive at a reunion and attempts a total character assassination of Miss Elia (more on that in detail in the coming recap).

Along the way we get to see Faux-Homoeroticism between both BlazeHawk and FahBeeOh, and Sexist Pigshit and OranJello (annoying and overplayed, not to mention yark-inducing in SexPig’s case), we get to see The Judges Get Drunk And Flub Their Lines (OMG, I’m dead serious, did you guys know they have to film this show with multiple filmings of the SAME SCENE??? These are called “takes” and Scar requires quite a few of them because she is drunk a lot).

If THAT doesn’t have you already reaching for the remote to see if there’s a “Golden Girls” rerun on (even if it’s in Spanish and you’re stuck watching “Las Muchachas De Oro”) then we have a red-hot and timely Auto-Tuned video of TurkeyHair (if “timely” meant “six months ago”) and we have to relive BlazeHawk winning and crying and weeping “I WILLED THIS!” all over again. Oh, and Gail Simmons screams “PEPPERONI SAUCE!” another forty-three times. And no, no one drops a safe on her after that.

The worst things? Besides Bobblehead suddenly finding his dick is no longer limp and trying to use it to fuck Elia? We have far too much Turdle, far too much Sexist Pigshit, far too much plugging of some stupid X-box game-system and NOT ENOUGH BEAKER! Seriously, the fucking FAN FAVORITE gets about 90 seconds total! Very bad, Bobblehead! Still, I will give it my all and then we can all share our disgust and put this shit season to bed. And just in time, too, because Top Chef Masters (Season Three) started last night as well, and I’m excited for Alejandra’s take on it, the first episode was a doozy, I can’t wait to share some comment love for her!