About Last Night: Thursday

You’re Cut Off: JulieJulie

The girls are finally put to work and are forced to do chores and learn respect for the first time in their lives.

The life coach puts up a chore board and each girl is assigned a specific chore.  For some reason….. drama does not ensue over who get to do which chore.  I found this very surprising.  As the chore list was put up, I sat there thinking how I’d strategize ways to make sure I got the best chores — such as LAUNDRY (you know, my life dream is to have a washer-dryer in my unit).  I wouldn’t mind making beds either, or vacuuming or dusting.  The gross chores like dishes, and scrubbing the toilets I would have avoided like the plague.  But for some reason, they all just picked a chore and went with it.

At this point, it starts to become clear to us who is a heroine and who is a villain.  We are introduced to Sylvia, the “maid” who is there to help the girls with their chores.  Chrissy sneakily manages to just have Sylvia do her chores for her.  And just when I was thinking that was kind of a pretty good idea of her, a bunch of the girls start doing the same thing and then I realized that was just the way things were scripted.  Grrr!!!

After the chores are all done — most of them by Sylvia — the girls pile into their chic mini vans and head to a mansions that looks like the Kardashians’.  Here it is revealed that Sylvia IS a “maid” but that it’s spelled “M-A-D-E” and has the words “self” in front of it and “millionaire” behind it… thus making her a “Self Made Millionaire.”  Actually to be honest, the word Millionaire wasn’t behind it… she was just “Self Made”.. but I don’t know.. is that even an expression?  It has no ring to it.

Anyway, now the girls are working for HER!  And they will be cleaning up the house of one of her most demanding clients.  They put on super-cute maid uniforms that consist of pretty pink polo shirts and khaki pants that really seemed to be in the style of their choosing.  Whatever — I would totally wear that pink shirt.  I like pink.

It becomes even more evident now who is a good sport, and who is truly spoiled rotten.

Good Sports:

- Jacqueline (she is the best sport of all… she’s our Rachel Green….)

- Pam

- Leanne

- Jessica

- Courtnee

- Amber

Truly Spoiled Rotten:

- Gia (she is the arch-villian… fighting with everyone in the house, and rotten through and through).

- Erica… she is sweet, but still spoiled and not interested in doing chores

- Chrissy… has a real attitude problem and truly doesn’t get it

Also, it’s revealed that this is Omarosa’s (reality-tv-villianesse-extraordinaire) house.  LOLOLOLLLL WHAT??????????  Are you SERIOUS????  You want me to believe Omarosa lives in a mansion????  HOW???  What the HELL does she do for money???  That is NOT Omarosa’s house!!!  If that is Omarosa’s house, then I have a washer-dryer in my unit (and I do NOT have that… it’s a life goal I will achieve one day).  I know Omarosa is broke and probably living in some shitty studio apartment in Hollywood that she pays $875 a month in rent… and each month, she’s not really sure how she’s going to get the rent money together.  Ridiculous!!

Well, Omarosa put on a good act as the queen of the house.  I’m sure that’s her fantasy.  And some of the girls cleaned up.  The ones who were good sports were rewarded with a massage.  They drove to the ghetto, East LA and got massages at some random, sketchy massage parlor.  BUT — it was revealed that ASHTON KUTCHER among other celebrities goes there — and thus the massage parlor was redeemed.

Back in the middle class ranch house, Gia and Erica and Chrissy — who did NOT get massages — hang out and fight over who is the ugliest.  Gia and Erica – who bonded at Omarosa”s” mansion by not cleaning and taking off the maid uniforms and going in the hot tub – now become arch-nemesis, fighting dirty about whose Dad called them ugly and fat.

When the girls come back from the massage parlor…. a pop corn fight ensues.  What?  Yeah, I didn’t get that part.  Some of the girls had a “fun” pop corn fight, and then some of them were freaking out and mad that the other ones had a pop corn fight.  Ok.  Whatever you say, VH1!!

Life coach appears and a summit is held.  Some are “on track to graduate” and some “are not.”  I just don’t really get what anyone is working towards, here.  I mean, early in this episode, Life Coach Laura said if some of them didn’t shape up, they would be thrown out of the house… but isn’t that a good thing?  Thrown out… graduate…. whatever.  I thought leaving the house was a good thing?  I don’t know.

“On track to graduate” are: Amber, Courtnee, Jacqueline, Leanne, Pam, Jessica

“Failed” are: Erica, Gia, Chrissy

And the “Most Improved Princess” award goes to Jacqueline.  She now gets to live in her own pink master bedroom and have a huge walk-in closet and bathroom to herself (for the week)!  Yay!

Toddlers and Tiaras: Dear Crabby

This pageant is called America’s Trezured Dollz, so you know it’s klassy! Where to begin? How about at the end, keeping with the “Z” theme, where the pageant “director” takes off with $15,000 – 20,000 of pageant money and doesn’t award any monetary prizes? She even showcases tables of prizes only to tell people they’re getting IOUs for them instead of being able to just grab and go (which is what I would have done). I would have tracked that bitch until the end of time for my moneyz.

In terms of pageant girls, we have a two year old who is hating on the pageants because her eyes are on the prizes…literally. She does have that Christmas gimme-gimme attitude going on, but who can blame her, she’s two, and the prizes are right there! Then we have a polished kid who really knows her stuff…and would have kept up her energy had the pageant not been THREE HOURS BEHIND. Yeah, if there’s one thing kids love, it’s WAITING AROUND. Finally, we have a very unpolished girl who has a mother who wants her daughter to “luxuriate” across the stage. ‘Nuff said.

Tempers rise as people have to wait, the pageant director doesn’t have a clue then disappears with the cash (career-ending decision!), and the competition isn’t as fierce as previous episodes, but it does have it’s share of WTF did that mother just say? This show is just TV gold.

Work of Art: SexyPanda

They say the power of suggestion is indeed powerful. Not only did our contestants this week on Work of Art become influenced by the suggestion of each others’ designs and critiques, but I became incredibly overwhelmed with the power of Miles’ suggestion…to sleep.

Good lord, could they show that kid yawning any more than he was? In fact, his sculpture for this week’s challenge–a challenge to use found objects in new ways–was a bed. That he slept on. During the show.

And he won.

There, I spoiled it. But who went home? If you guessed someone ditzy with kitsch ideas, you’d be wrong. Come back later this week for more exploration into the world of art!

Top Chef: J-Mo

Boy, after 10 weeks of the (mostly) feel-good vibe, camaraderie, mutual respect and glowing admiration over in the Top Chef Masters world, I can’t TELL you how great it felt to see the premiere of Top Chef Season 7 and realize that “D.C.” no longer has to stand for District of Columbia… it can now be used as an acronym for Douche Crew, or Dickish Cads, or Dykey Cockhaters, or my favorite… Dumbass Cooks. I am overjoyed to be back in the land of the wannabees again, to view their insanely undeserved egos, listen to their posturing smacktalk, and taste their fear of looking like a complete twathole on TV… and believe me, it tastes DELICIOUS.

Also, it’s great to have Daddy Tom, Scar, and Gail Simmons back together again… and NO MORE TINY TEWWIBLE TOBY! Instead, the whiny little cueball has been replaced by (some say sexy, I vote creepy) Frenchman Eric Ripert. You may recall he has been a guest judge in previous seasons AND he is the boss of last season’s single rocking ladychef, Bitter Jen. Allzow, expeck to zee a lod off Fraiynsh pronunzeeasheeon een zee recabz.

As for this season’s cheftestants, there are two who stand out right off the bat, Angelo and Kenny, and barring any kind of stupid unfair challenge restriction, I’m gonna go ahead and say we will probably see these two in the Finals together. The QuickFire Challenge was a variation on the same old mise en place race, but with a new twist: after they got done peeling taters, chopping onions and dismembering chickens, the top four chefs then had to turn around and make a dish out of those ingredients! This means I only have to show FOUR pictures of QuickFire food (instead of the usual seventeen) so already I am overjoyed at Episode One. Oh yeah, and also? High-Stakes QuickFire is here to stay, the winner of this one gets fucking $20,000.00 (or almost a FIFTH of the Grand Prize total of $125,000.00).

For the first Elimination Challenge, they lobbed a softball at them, asking only that they create a dish inspired by their part of the country or hometown. JEEZ, these bitches got off WAY easy! I remember other seasons where right out of the gate Scar was like, “Hi chefs, welcome to the Acme Toxic Waste Dump! Today you’ll be using these various types of sludge for your dish’s inspiration, and you must create a side dish using whatever food items you can find in the glove compartments of the employees cars. Oh, and you can only use one hand. Plus, the dish can’t be any more than 98 calories. Good luck!”

You would think that with such an open page to write upon, there would be a lot of really great food, but lucky for us there are always a few dimbulbs who seem to think Top Chef is the PERFECT time to experiment with things they’ve never done before, and this kind of astounding stupidity is always entertaining. I’ll be back with a whole new slew of nicknames (and a few gifs, because this season’s gay guy absolutely REQUIRES them) so check back in a couple of days for the full recap!