About Last Night: Thursday

These little beauty pageant brats always get what’s coming to em eventually. Thanks, time!

So You Think You Can Dance: PottyMouth

Last night’s So You Think You Can Dance featured a Paso Doble with Pasha (rrrrrooowwwwrrr), a jazz that wasn’t jazz, Robert’s annoying personality, a crappy krump, and Alex dancing with the devil.

Kent continues to be adorable, Melinda sucks rotten eggs, and if Alex doesn’t find his personality soon, I may have to break up with him.  And can someone please tell me what is up with Mia growling and meowing at the contestants as criticism?  Yeesh!

Also, I want to give a GIANT shout out to HLo who did a magnificent job of covering for me last week; thanks SO much!  So, we have LOTS to talk about.  I hope you’ll come back in a few days to read the full recap.  See you then!

Toddlers and Tiaras: Dear Crabby

Wow, what a week on our Toddlers & Tiara’s comments, huh?  Well, this week doesn’t disappoint in terms of crazy – but only in terms of the adults, the kids were pretty good.  America’s Best pageant brings out the worst in parents as one mother puts together a “Team Lauren” that includes Lauren’s coach, hairstylist, Lauren, and dad who really has more of a ceremonial role.  Oh, and he seems to like to look down the coach’s cleavage.  Also, I’m pretty sure the coach, who is also competing in the pageant, is going to attempt to kill the mother and marry the father like some sort of B-movie.  That, or she’s going to be eating the barrel of a 12-gauge, I can’t completely tell. But there is definite sadness there.

Second contestant Jasmine has a very anxious mother who spends $5,000 – $10,000 PER OUTFIT for Jasmine, because what else do you use that money for?  As a dentist, she probably can spend that much and hey – the flippers are free!  Dad Ben only makes a brief appearance, probably because he’s busy living in the 1970s if that porn-stache is any indication.  Or he’s gay, I’m not sure which.  Mom is off her game and causes Jasmine to miss lineup, meaning she doesn’t get those participation awards of best smile, best personality or most money wasted on a kid.

Finally, we meet poor Taleah who’s mother seems somewhat disconnected but who’s dad is totally into telling his daughters, “You suck!”  He is a total hilljack who butchers the English language but what is most amazing is that he is a specimen that none of us have probably ever seen – a stupid Asian!  How the hell did that happen?  Must be the water.  But I bet he’s a good driver, proving the Lord gives and takes.

Quote of the episode?  “I don’t want to live a normal life, I like the one we have!”  Thank you TLC, thank you!

Work of Art: SexyPanda

On last night’s Work of Art, we learned that there are now eleven other artists on this show.  It’s not just Miles!  Who knew?  Miles doesn’t even make the top three tonight (which was really only a top two), choosing to spend most of his time reading the book he was assigned for tonight’s challenge.  (Challenge = design a new cover for a classic book.  Books included Alice in Wonderland, Dracula, and Pride and Prejudice.)

Abdi ran out of time, as he tends to do, Nao tried to be a pain in the ass and failed, and Judith went a little nutty.  In the end, it was John’s piece for The Time Machine that won, and his cover will be used nationwide for the new book cover!  But who went home?  I don’t think you’ll be surprised.  Stay tuned later this week for full snark and thoughtful-ish discussion.

Top Chef: J-Mo

Have you ever had two friends that were both really talented people, both amazingly gifted in their chosen professions, and whenever you have a party and invite both of them they spend the evening in opposite camps making little digs at one another and loudly proclaiming that they don’t care what the other one thinks (but deep down you know they TOTALLY care deeply to the point of obsession and possible insanity) and eventually your party is ruined for all the other guests by all the tension in their catty and cruel behavior and you’re forced to superglue your hand to the fridge to keep from stabbing one (or both) of them 3 or 400 times?  This scenario can be especially annoying when you’ve slaved over the all-important Chex Mix™.

Well, on last night’s episode of Top Chef our Early Top Two (KennEgo and OranJello) have wasted no time in declaring their war on one another and that’s exactly what it feels like.  They’re both really talented, but their ceaseless baiting of one another (along with a little behind-the-back bitching) make them both pretty equally unlikeable.  And I find it delicious.

The QuickFire Challenge tonight was for the cheftestants to pair up and make a sammich in 30 minutes.  That was it.  I was ready to take a nap cuz that sounded so goddamn boring, but then the Magical Elves worked their hocus-pocus on us again and Scar brought out Siamese Twin Aprons for them to wear!  Not only that, but when tied together each chef on the team could only use ONE HAND!  Which is normally all you really need to have a good time (YOWza!) but it gets rather tricky when you’re trying to slice sammich bread.  With a super-sharp knife.  And that’s not your hand holding the bread.  And you hate the person who IS holding it.  And you don’t mind a little (or a lot of) blood.  This was a damn good challenge, and I can’t wait to tell you about how it goes down.

The Elimination Challenge is not quite as much fun to watch, but what it lacks in visual pop, it more than makes up for in verbal abuse.  They are once again in teams of 4 and they have to make up a school lunch.  With a budget of $2.60 per child.  And it needs to also be low-fat because the Assistant Chef of the White House is here today to guest judge and (more importantly) to pontificate about how fatty school lunches are creating a nation full of roly-poly tubby little blobbos ripe for getting picked on by (and subjugated to) the much more sinewy and slender (and hungry) Communist Chinese!  We are in a crisis, people, and only the cheftestants of Top Chef can help us find our way out!!  And to think all this panic was because Southwood Elementary School served pizza and french fries at lunch.  According to the White House, those fucking lunch ladies are all Satan’s minions in hair nets.

Nevertheless, this creates quite a few problems, not the least of which is the team that contains Miss Swan, Instructor LynnBian, ChesTiffany… and that bitch GayNold, who becomes far more irritating than I thought possible by only Episode Two… Hey, did you know gay guys enjoy doing girly things like getting facials?  Did you know gay guys are shallow and like to spend large amounts of money on themselves??  Did you also know that gay guys get rilly rilly riled up if you try to take credit for your own work when you’re part of a team that they’re on???  Did you ALSO know that gay guys aren’t afraid to get all black-girl on your ass and TELL you about it????  ESPECIALLY if there is a REAL black girl standing next to them to back them up?????  Accentuated by some head-bobbing and finger-snaps made in intricate designs??????  Seriously, this smarmy little cocksmoker is eroding my gay pride on a daily basis and he needs to stop.

Also fun is watching some of these chefs refuse to translate their food for a sixth-grade palate and insist on serving a hugely fussy presentation or super-spicy dishes… or the dumbass that actually braises their dish… in ALCOHOL!  Hey, if you get the kids hammered, they won’t care as much that they’re getting a fat ass.  Join me in a couple of days for the new recap, K lovies?  MWAH!