About Last Night: Thursday

Work of Art: SexyPanda

On this week’s Work of Art, the contestants are tasked with coming up with the most shocking art they can muster. Andres Serrano, he of the “Piss Christ,” guest judges this mess–and I mean mess. Body fluids abound. Ew.

But when it comes down to it, our artists can’t shock us to save their lives (or their slots in this competition). Some pieces are thought-provoking, sure. Some are definitely gross. And, as everyone expected, Jaclyn took some nude photos of herself and called it a day. But nothing’s actually really all that shocking.

You’ll be surprised at who almost takes the win. You’ll also be pretty freakin’ bummed about who goes home, for more than a few reasons. Come back later this week to help me dismantle this episode!

So You Think You Can Dance: PottyMouth

On last night’s So You Think You Can Dance, we got ANOTHER contemporary dance from Ashley, less mugging from Robert, and one freaking AWESOME hip hop from Alex.

Seriously, when I heard Alex was doing a hip hop number I thought for sure we were in for something akin to what Billy did last week. Boy was I wrong! That dance kicked some major ass. Now the judges need to stop with the tongue bathing before people get annoyed.

Each dancer performed with their all star partner, and also did a solo in their own style. I continue to wish they’d give the dancers more time for their solos. Some were great, some……not so much. Oh! And I think I finally figured out what’s been bugging me about Adechike! Well, one of the things at least.

We also got two wardrobe malfunctions, Nigel’s boner popped up yet again, and Jose bones yet another style and yet still escapes any real critique. We’ll discuss all that and plenty more in the full recap. See you there!

Toddlers and Tiaras: DearCrabby

This episode of Toddlers & Tiaras takes us back up north where multi-cultural children are allowed to compete in pageants, this one being another run at Brooklyn’s Darling Divas.  Not a lot of crazy but some weirdness for sure, and it does look like Lisa Fulgham, a.k.a. “Pageant’s Most Wanted Committer of Fraud,” is one of the judges…I’m just wondering the timing of these pageants because I’m sure TLC would have pointed out she stole money from little girls had it been after the show where she, you know, stole from little girls.  Seems like pageant people would be bitchy enough to bring this sort of stuff up, like I am now.

This episode brings us a 3-year old mini-Eden who I have to admit, Rocks the Stage™ and has more confidence and poise than most adults.  Not sure on the confusion between the swimsuit and Michael Jackson outfit, though.  Seems like if your kid is going to dress like a pedophile, you probably should have that planned.  We have a 5-year-old newcomer who initially clings to the curtain of the stage in desperation that death will soon envelope her…but once she’s out there she Turns on the Shine™.  Finally, we have Amish/Quaker/Shaker/Mennonite girl who is clearly begging for Locks of Love to come calling with her 42” long and completely inappropriate pageant hair.  A seasoned veteran, she comes from a family of “reserved” people who instead of yelling for her during the pageant, prefer to hold up signs reading, “Go Liane.”  Get back to the library, nerds.  Mom even says, “I think it’s illegal to yell in some states.”  Ah, ignorance never gets old.

This episode also brings back pageant coach Miss Margie who seems to be getting too big for her britches and a little bossy mcsaucy for my taste.  But it’s New York and she turns out winners, so what are you going to do except tell her to use some conditioner and face scrub?  She’d probably kick me in the nads for saying so, then tell me to smile and blink at the judges.  Which I would do because I fear her.

Top Chef: J-Mo

Boy, last night’s installment of Top Chef should have been subtitled “The Depends Episode”. That may or may not wind up being the title of my recap when I finish it. Why, do you ask? Well, even though this show has been on for SIX SEASONS and this particular issue comes up repeatedly in each one, for some reason it still seems to catch these chefholes by surprise when they are asked… to MAKE A DESSERT!

The sub-subtitle for this episode should have also been called “The Extended Promo For Top Chef Just Desserts With Gail Simmons And An Elvis Impersonator”, because it featured Gail Simmons and an Elvis Impersonator judging alongside Scar as they asked the chefs to make them a pie. What kind of pie? ANY kind of pie. No restrictions, no themes, no wacky descriptions drawn out of a hat, just make the best pie you know how. Unfortunately, the best pie this bunch of dildoes knows how to make is diarrhea poopie-pie in their panties, and if that sounds childish, well, sticks-and-stones-will-break-my-bones-but-I-own-a-gun-so-you-better-run.

Seriously, these people are pathetic in their fear of the Big Bad Pie QuickFire, and my advice to any of you aspiring cheftestants out there that want to come on this show… GO LEARN PASTRY ARTS. You will totally kick ass and become Top Chef, because nobody seems to have picked up on the fact THERE ARE DESSERT CHALLENGES EVERY SEASON. For realsies, I made my first pie when I was about 10. Granted it was ugly, and my latticework was uneven, and I made a huge hideous mess, but I’m telling you, the look on my mom and dad’s face when they tasted it was almost better than that first wet dream I had about a week later. Almost.

In any case, after the first 20 minutes were a huge debacle that should embarrass the shit out of 90% of these people it was on to have a grilling picnic at George Washington’s Mount Vernon estate with a bunch of White House interns grateful for a day off from being sexually propositioned. Naturally the very MENTION of using a charcoal grill causes GayNold’s penis to shrink and retract inside his body, which means we’re in for more of his clichéd stereotypically über-queeny jokes about facials (and not even the dirty kind) made all the more annoying by his insistence that he’s not a bottom. Whatever. The best part is when a bird dive-shitbombs Bobby Brown’s table JUST as he’s about to serve the judges. Also, MassholEd’s eyebrows are still amazing, and now I can’t stop thinking about them. Or how much of a dick KennEgo still is. Or how OranJello actually showed some sweetness to a fellow chef! Check back in a few days for the full recap! And have a happy 4th Of July! Don’t blow your hand off by accident.