Mini caps of Toddlers and Tiaras, Work of Art, Top Chef, Real World and SYTYCD
Real World: VirginiaApple
Two episodes in and I am already LOVING this season. The main reason for this love is that while Hair is still annoying to no end, the rest of the roomies are totally chill and have already started making fun of him. It’s delightful. There’s no shortage of stuff to make fun of either, since it turns out that in addition to being an illogical drama queen, he also has an inexplicable ear fetish and lies in bed blow drying his body. Oh, and he’ll cuddle with anyone or anything with a pulse, including other guys. As long as the guy doesn’t touch him with his lips, because then he wants to kill himself.
Hair’s primary source of drama this episode comes after he hops a fence and allegedly hurts his shoulder. He wanders around the house throwing tantrums until Eyes finally decides to pay attention to him until he shuts up. The next day (I think?), Meathead questions him about it and he throws a complete shit fit and refuses to speak to Meathead. At an awkward dinner with poor Eyes, Meathead realizes it’s not worth it and apologizes to shut Hair’s dumbass face.
Eyes is crushing on Ruthie Jr., but she seems to be torn between him and her boy from back home. They share one chaste peck that seems to scandalize the other roommates. Meathead predicts (and I agree) that after her guy from home visits in a few weeks, she’ll slowly gravitate toward the dreamy Eyes. In other potential roommate hookup news, Meathead has decided that he will be Jemmye’s first white boy, and she is skeptical but considering it. I am totally rooting for both of these hookups because I’m pretty sure they would both be more interesting/fun than the never ending Emily/Ty saga from last season.
Toddlers and Tiaras: DearCrabby
Well, to make up for last weeks nice-o-rama, this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras was full of whiney little brats…and their pageant daughters! Actually, two of the girls were “only three,” which was the excuse to not discipline them and put up with their shit. Personally, I would have spanked and/or stuffed them in a pillowcase with a bunch of rocks and tossed them off a tall bridge. I believe both are approved by Dr. Spock. Or Mr. Spock.
For this Southern Celebrity pageant in North Carolina, three year old Teeghan (I’m not kidding) has a mother who is addicted to long-sleeve t-shirts and different versions of the same-color cowl-neck sweater (it ain’t hiding what you think it is) and who desperately wants to win the pageant. Unfortunately, she’s entered her daughter whose sights aren’t set so high. Mom also seems to do a great job of hiding things – like the price of new dresses – from dad who is an air force pilot or something…either way, he shows up in a flight suit. The other three year old, Aniston (I hope her middle name is Jolie, that would ROCK!) is another one who needs to know Dear Crabby did not order WHINE with her dinner. Her mother is very fussy about having her pageant princess spray-tanned because of the chemicals, but seems to have NO problem letting her hose a styrofoam head with hairspray to the point where she must be getting high from all that huffing. I say, let her do in and just take the next step into my favorite guilty pleasure, Intervention!
Our last girl is April, which, who names their kids that in this day and age? Apparently a Greek mother and a “part Native America” (oh, please, doesn’t everyone say that?) Dad. April is actually our nice kid of the pageant, very cute and talented and pretty, and completely robbed at the end is all I’m saying. Also, the judges were dowdy and looked like they might be more comfortable judging a 4-H competition and the pageant director is one we’ve seen before – she doesn’t steal from the contestants but definitely looks like she might have “DNR” tatooed on her chest. Get some sleep, woman!
Work of Art: SexyPanda
Last night on Work of Art, the challenge was to drive a car in NYC and then make art about it. Seriously, that’s it. Audi is somehow involved, though using their name/car/brand is not actually required in the challenge. I hate these open-ended challenges–it leaves even more room for bullshit.
Miles surprises us by having an attack of the OCDs, and he naps away part of the challenge. Abdi actually finishes his piece in time, and Ryan’s happy machine-gun laugh is mocked. Erik interviews snarkily about Miles, while Miles and Nicole flirt. Jaclyn and Jaime Lynn do exactly what you think they’d do. With results you may or may not be surprised about!
Someone wins! Someone goes home! Come back later this week to laugh about it all with me!
So You Think You Can Dance: PottyMouth
Last night’s So You Think You Can Dance was chock full of dancing (just the way I like it). This left very little time for filler, so you know I was a happy camper.
Mark had the night off AGAIN, but we still got to see the devil dance. UGH. Can someone please give HER the night off? We also had two injuries. **sad horns** I can’t even talk about that right now.
Mia continues her trend of being a bitch (shocking, I know), Adam still thinks they’ll all see it in the playback, and Nigel remains a disgusting pervert. It’s so comforting to know some things never change.
Come back in a few days for the full recap where we can talk about said injuries (**sniff**), Jose finally getting a critique, and Nigel making things up about people making things up on the internet. See you there!
Top Chef: J-Mo
Hey everybody! Guess what? One of our Season Seven cheftestants came by the ‘Gasm and dropped a little comment love on last week’s Top Chef recap, and you’ll never guess who it was! GAYNOLD! So great to see that the Myint-y Fresh One has a sense of humor, especially after all the shit I’ve talked about him. In fact, he says he wants to meet me, which I think would be great, BUT if I turn up missing or dead of multiple stab wounds, you guys know who to start asking questions of first, right?
Tonight’s episode was rather weird and somewhat confusing. The QuickFire Challenge was all about making an awesome dish for Scar and Daddy Tom, and then converting it into baby food fit for Scar’s little Scaretta (who ruined Mommy’s figure) and Daddy Tom’s new little BabyDaddy. Do babies really APPRECIATE the subtlety of ginger, saffron and thai basil in their food? And aren’t they just going to spit it all up in a half hour anyhow? Stupid babies get away with bulimia, why don’t adults? So not fair.
As for the Elimination Challenge, it’s pretty much a giant commercial for Hilton Hotels (they want to put a new menu item out for their restaurants!) and the chefs are divided into teams again, this time doing a cook-off of breakfast, lunch AND dinner. Here’s where it gets weirdly backward, though: Each round, the BEST pairs of chefs are made safe and no longer have to cook in the next round. This means that the worst chefs get to keep cooking until the WORST three pairs have to make dinner, which makes no sense. But then one of these bottom pairs gets to have their dish put on the menu at Hilton as a grand prize, so I guess the losers win? Sorta? I feel sorry for Hilton Restaurants patrons, that’s for sure.
We the viewers also lose, because on tonight’s episode they decided to bring back a robbery victim (Bryan Voltaggio, a.k.a. Big Volt from Season 6) and two douchebags… the Man With The Dumbest Hat Collection Ever (Spike EvangelAss Mendelssohn of Season Four), and possibly my most hated cheftestant from Season 6… Sexist Fucking Pigshit Mike Isabella. GayNold, darling, if you think I’ve sounded pissy towards you, trust, I still like you a zillion times better than THIS fauxhawked asshat.
OH, and if that wasn’t bad enough, our leading star Dick this season (KennEgo) pulls a total Danny Gokey and trots out a Dead Wife. Not once, but twice, and totally apropos of nothing. Oddly enough, it doesn’t really make him any more of a sympathetic figure, ESPECIALLY knowing that he’s moved on to a woman named “Juicy”. Plus, it’s hard to feel sorry for (or empathize with) people who stand around and fume and pout (and bring up long dead spouses) and honestly believe that judges like Daddy Tom and Erique Rippert are in the wrong for not choosing their food as the best every single time. There will be many big fat bitchfaces made before this episode is over. And some of them will be on my own face. Come back in a couple of days for the recap!