About Last Night: Thursday

Mini Caps of SYTYCD, Toddlers & Tiaras, Real World, and Top Chef.

So You Think You Can Dance: PottyMouth

On last night’s So You Think You Can Dance (dance….dance), Mark returns!!! It’s about freaking time. Of course with the good we must have the bad so Sir BitchyPants also returns. Wah.

Mia continues to dig at Adechike but is trying to be more subtle about it. I see you Mia, and you’re still an asshole. Adam may have actually watched the playback because he doesn’t reference the playback this week. Even more shocking, he actually made some valid points this week. Write it down, Gasmi!

Join me this weekend for the full recap where we can also discuss YET ANOTHER injury, Tahitian dance, and Robert’s continued success at annoying the shit out of me. See you there!

Toddlers and Tiaras: DearCrabby

This week’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras is the Winter Beauties pageant in Center, Texas. Guess where that is. Our three girls are competitive blondes Brittannie and Brooklyn (mothers, please stop with the Brooklyn already) and three-year-old Kayleigh (mothers, please stop withe the Kayleigh already) who would rather be anywhere. The best part is when her mom calls her smart then we see she can’t count or knows which way is front. Well, with a young single mother desperately searching for a man, I’m sure Kayleigh’s going to do well no matter what.

Brooklyn is a little odd and even calls herself a dork. Look, I’m a dork and I’m not that jake-y. Methinks the kid is less dorky and more Ritalin-deprived. She and her mother “have their own language” which consists of them dancing wildly and being all hip-hop. Dad doesn’t care for how old Brooklyn looks in her outfit, and finally we have the voice of sanity. Unfortunately, he does not win.

Brittannie has her own odd issues outside of too many consonants in her name, especially when she tells us that she’s the only girl she knows who feeds her horse and donkey in full glitz. Given the way they run from her, something tells me this only happened for the cameras. Also, her Winter Wonderland outfit looks like Pocahontas if she were a stripper. Having said that, she has a mom who makes all her outfits and could rival mom Diane from last week in the awesome costume department, a dad who is tough-but-tender and is very proud of her, and a brother who is clearly TOO into helping her with her dance routine. Looks like he’s going to eventually have to move to Dallas for his safety and security, and maybe even a little further north like New York. Just a hunch!

The competition is fierce, at least for the blondes, little Kayleigh screws up badly with her Little Boy Blue breakdown onstage. Sucks to be you, loser!

Real World: VirginiaApple

I’ll get the annoying part out of the way first: Hair is flirting with Starfish, and she clearly likes the attention but probably doesn’t like him all that much. I mean, who can blame her? Of course, when her friend Suze comes to visit and is flirting with Hair, Starfish takes notice. She says it’s because Suze came to visit her and should be spending time with her, and we get some photos of them as adolescents to illustrate how deeply hurt Starfish is. Or something. I don’t know. Oh, and Hair gets all offended about her being a cockblock, even though he wishes he was a virgin.

Preston is a man-whore, apparently. Hair is of course offended by this, because LITERALLY everything upsets him, TRULY. Also, he continues to overuse words such as literally and truly. The rest of the roomies are fine with it, except Meathead is jealous because Preston is using up all of his condoms while he’s got the blue balls.

Meathead is still on his quest to take Jimmeh’s white-boy virginity, and as dumb as the whole thing is I’m still rooting for him. He’s starting to make his move out at the bar one night, but some girl he apparently met at some other bar appears and sends Jimmeh into a hardcore round of jealousy binge drinking. She gets completely wasted and can do little more than yell for Meathead and cry for the rest of the night. He hides from her as long as he can, but in the end he has to take care of her. It involves him having a totally endearing conversation with her mother, with whom he is already on a first-name basis, and I can’t help thinking these two are a match made in white-trash heaven. Check the full recap to find out if this is the week she finally gives it up!

Top Chef: J-Mo

Hey guys! I don’t want to alarm anybody, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the Magical Elves may have possibly run out of ideas. Why do I say that? Because on last night’s episode of Top Chef there was so little thought put into the challenges, it was like watching a Very Special Episode written entirely by Tyler Perry. It had all the finesse of Madea in jail, too.

You think I’m kidding? Here’s the QuickFire Challenge: make a dish out of crab. And not even different VARIETIES of crab, just blue crab. I also have to say, perhaps they should have given a special warning of just how much graphic crabicide we’d be seeing, because I watched them get boiled alive, baked alive, frozen alive, sautéed alive, Cuisinarted alive and chopped in half… you guessed it… alive. I’m not a bleeding heart for seafood, mostly because the majority of sea creatures (other than SpongeBob and Patrick Star) are prickly, nasty, fug little fuckers. Still, watching the chefs taking great joy in smashing them into pieces was a little disturbing. Maybe it’s just me. Anyhow, KennEgo does his overkill bullshit again, and OranJello does his minimalist stuff again, and I’m starting to find it more fun to play with my new kittens than watch the two of them make stankfaces at each other again.

As for the Elimination Challenge, it’s even worse: go cook outside on a farm. Oh, and they tell the chefs they’re all going to be one big team, but that’s really bullshit, because everybody just pretty much splinters back into their little pairs from last week’s challenge, much to the delight of some (JerseyMoobs towards KennEgo, Miss Tamesha towards OranJello) and the resigned anger of others (MassholEd towards Nosferatu, ChesTiffany towards Bobby Brown). There is much shouting amongst the chefs, especially KennEgo who keeps yelling “That’s irrelevant!” at everyone and telling us how much he is the Alpha Male (I’m going to insert Miss Tamesha’s Eye-Roll here again) and I can’t believe how much I miss GayNold. I’m getting scared, could our favorite food show be losing steam? Not if I have my way with it! Check back in a few days for the full recap. P.S. Maybe we should all band together and suggest they get Betty White to be a guest judge?