About Last Night: Thursday

Top Chef Masters: SlifeGoesOn

Hello, everybody! First of all, I must preface this by saying that it is a privilege and an honor to be filling in for J-Mo, who is out this week. Well, trying to fill in at least! They are certainly some big shoes to fill! Like size 14 basketball player’s shoes! I’m nowhere near as talented with the screen grabs and special effects, but I love all of the cheftestants’ nicknames, and will do my best to make J-Mo proud. So, here goes!

Last night’s episode of Top Chef Masters was surprisingly entertaining, considering that it was perhaps the cheapest-produced episode of the season. Unlike previous episodes which have featured the cast of Modern Family, actor Mekhi Phifer, and The Simpsons collaborators Matt Groening and Hank Azaria, neither the QuickFire Challenge nor the Elimination Challenge featured guest judges of any kind! (I guess when the J-Mo’s away, the mice won’t play!)

The QuickFire found our fearless final five chefs putting their palates to the test in a taste testing challenge called Identify That Ingredient. What?! No cooking involved? Yawn! Why they picked this challenge for an odd number of cheftestants is beyond me! They should have paired it with last week’s Tailgating Challenge, (when there were an even number of chefs) since both are about opposing forces facing off. And they should have saved Olympic swimmer Jason Lezak as Guest Judge for this week, since the Olympics would have been keeping with the whole Greek theme of the Elimination Challenge! (Note to the show’s producers: try hiring someone more intelligent … like me!)

Luckily, things got a little saucier during a brand-spanking-new and original Elimination Challenge: Create a Dish Inspired By a Greek God. Birthday boy Waxie pulled Poseidon and got him confused with King Triton from The Little Mermaid. ChicleTeeth pulled Aphrodite (Go figure! The only goddess goes to the only female chef left standing. Lucky lez!) The soft-spoken La Marquessa ironically picked Ares, the god of war. Reverend Moonie got Hades, and immediately adopted this hilariously sinister cackle. Sussudio pulled Dionysus, and in typical fashion, had no clue what was going on and was unable to pronounce the name correctly.

Viewers received a little divine intervention as well, when Gail Not-So-Slimmins stepped in to replace NerdMosexual on the Judges’ Panel. I was pretty sure I knew who was going home … and then was shocked by the final scores! Were you? Check back soon for the full recap and deets, and thanks for all the comments!

The Challenge: VirginiaApple

First of all, can I please just comment on how every time I hear the words “Fresh Meat” it makes me want a steak so damn badly? Don’t ask me why.

Anyway, now that Kenny’s alliance has established dominance within the house, Ev’s only friend left is Landon, who’s back to being Switzerland. He makes a couple of half-hearted attempts to cut deals with people, but the only one who bites is a beyond-desperate Ev. Meanwhile, the other four teams are happily talking about the final, apparently forgetting that one of them is still going to have to go into Exile next week.

The challenge this week is just plain awesome. The girls hang from their ankles and act as human wrecking balls while the guys have to stack some rocks to form a makeshift statue that stands for 5 seconds. It’s as hilarious and fun to watch as it sounds, and I’m kind of sad this happened so late in the season because I wish more teams were here so there would be more to watch and even more failure. Kenny and Laurel have to go first, and do pretty well despite that. Landon and Carley also do well, but neither of them beats- are you ready for this?- Jenn and Noor! Our little Aziz is all grown up and winning his first challenge!

To the surprise of no one, they throw Ev and Wheezy into Exile, and everyone follows the plan and votes Landon and Carley in. Then Teej tells them to get in his van RIGHT NOW if they wants some candy even though it’s dark out! Because this Exile is called BLACKOUT! It’s the uphill one with the buckets. Landon and Carley take the early lead, but it’s not long before she’s a wreck and looks and sounds like whatever dying animal she was channeling when she fell into the water a few weeks back. Ev and Wheezy pass them, but they skip a puzzle for a 5 minute penalty. Then Ev and Wheezy finish and time starts ticking down- we don’t know how far Landon and Carley are from the finish line but she’s on the ground and incoherent and it is NOT looking good. I’m getting really, REALLY worried for my beloved Landon and then STUPID MTV/Bunim Murray/whoever makes these decisions throws “To Be Continued…” in our faces! UGH! I knew it was going to happen, it does every season, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating!