Hi everybody! After the slugfest that was the Top Chef: All-Stars version of Restaurant Wars, I figured everything this week would seem anti-climactic. And I started off being totally right, which is a feeling I normally enjoy very much (I don’t get that chance very often). Except I don’t like being right when I think something is going to suck, and I must admit that sometimes Bravo really sucks balls.
And sometimes really super old ones.
Case in point: when they do lame cross-promotion for their more struggling less popular shows, such as having Eye-Sack Misrablehi swishily over-acting his way around the Top Chef Kitchen. What in the name of Project Runway knock-offs was he doing on the show tonight? Well, he was there to have Scar shill for viewers to care about The Fashion Show… no offense to the lovely ChickBomb (who weekly makes silk purses out of that sow’s ear of a show) but I feel like they should have just called it Roject Prunway, made it the same damned show and been done with it. I do love Iman, though, and I respect her so much, especially since her career has forced her to do such distasteful things as kiss Michael Jackson and William Shatner and put up with Eye-Sack week after week. These three reasons make me believe she should be given an Oscar. Or whatever kind of award you get for surviving awful things. And I just noticed I have sailed completely off-topic. Give me two weeks off and I forget how to do this stuff, hahaha.
Anyhow, if it sounds like I’m pissed at Eye-Sack, you’re right, because he was nothing but a bitchass to the chefs during this week’s QuickFire Challenge, which had them making a dish that had exotic presentation… and nothing else! Yup, the food wasn’t even being TASTED, so naturally a totally shallow challenge needs an expert on shallow such as Eye-Sack to spout his totally subjective opinions and give as many over-exaggerated double-takes and giant gay eye-rolls as possible. I guess he must be trying to show off his acting experience… you guys did know that he was in the original “Fame” movie for about 3 seconds, right?
Thankfully, after the first fifteen minutes of the show he leaves and we’re only left with Sexist Pigshit and FahBeeOh to irritate us. This week’s Elimination Challenge was right up FahBeeOh’s alley. No, it wasn’t about greasy hypersexualized food that no one can understand, it was to make an Italian meal for some Italian people who actually have the Italian dignity to get drunk quietly and keep their Italian clothes ON (some other pseudo-Italians currently appearing on that show that rhymes with Turdsy Chore could take a few hints here). The chefs got to cook in a really super-duper old Italian restaurant for the Italian owners, and the Diva Italiana of all Divas, Lorraine Bracco, who talks a lot about the making of “Goodfellas” and never once mentions “The Sopranos”. OH, and because Sexist Pigshit is an Italian from Jersey, he naturally starts acting like a total peentriarch and loftily preaching to everyone else about how Italian food should be made, including LowFatSo, who just happens to also be Italian, except she’s a girl, so in Pigshit’s eyes she’s more of a barefoot baby machine who’s somehow been allowed to wear shoes and speak and leave the house to be on TV I guess.
Whatever, alls I can say right now is that you are gonna love how the game plays out this week, because one of the so-called Italian experts pretty much shits in a bowl and hands it to the judges as part of their meal, and it’s delicious, but not in a literal way. OH, and I could barely restrain myself from doing the HappyDance over the fact that I don’t ever have to type TurkeyHair again until the reunion show! Check back in a few days for the full recap, K?