Hey there everybody! I hope you guys enjoyed last night’s episode of Top Chef as much as this big fat guy did, in spite of Sexist Pigshit’s attempts to ruin it for me by using the word “gay” in the pejorative. Oh, who am I kidding? SexPig isn’t smart enough to know any OTHER way to use it. So how did he happen to wind up making an unthinking slur? Blame it on the 70′s!
See, the QuickFire Challenge last night was for the chefs to make a creative variation on fondue… for some reason I keep trying to type that word as “fonude”, which is interesting considering that BlazeHawk is convinced that his parents went to “nude fondue parties” in the 70′s, which just goes to show what a numbfuck he is, who in their right mind would sit around a table nude with an elevated pot of boiling hot oil, cheese or chocolate?… one wrong move and you’ve burnt your dick off, and THAT’D be a helluva bummer at the key party! In any case, the chefs have varying degrees of success, the surprise twist being that they have to judge each other’s dishes, which means BlazeHawk is convinced his is the best dish and no one will give it to him because they’re all intimidated by him. I think no one gave it to him because they’re all picturing him nude now and were afraid there might be frozen BlazePubes in the liquid nitrogen sauce.
The Elimination Challenge involved the chefs going on the Jimmy Fallon show and doing some weird cell-phone picture challenge to choose what dish they were going to cook. This would have been extremely difficult for me because I have a cell phone that is a total piece of shit, and I barely remember where the photo-taking thingy is on it, PLUS i don’t have a data plan, so even if I DID take a picture with my cell phone I couldn’t send it anywhere without it costing me $56.00 (you may think I am kidding, but I am not, I sent a picture I took of the kitties to my email once and that’s what my provider tried to charge me for it at 3 cents per kilobyte, poor Kalpesh in India was wishing he could give his job back to an American THAT day, I can tell you that much.)
Anyhow, the selection of dishes were actually quite pedestrian in some cases… for instance, someone I actually like got Chicken Pot Pie, while someone I dislike got hamboogers and fraynch friez-uh, and someone I’m kinda meh about got a Philly Cheesesteak, and someone I sometimes like and sometimes dislike got Chicken & Dumplings. And some of these people fucked up these simple dishes RIGHTEOUSLY. Sadly, Jimmy Fallon had to eat them all because they were cooking for his birthday lunch. I’m not a huge Fallonfan, but he was actually pretty sweet during the show, you can tell he’s a true Top Chef fanatic, and it was kinda cute to see him getting squirmy and uncomfortable over having to let someone go. Check back in a couple of days for the gay recap.