Top Chef Masters: J-Mo
With only seven Masters remaining we knew for sure on last night’s episode of Top Chef Masters that there wouldn’t be any bullshit team challenges. Nope, this time it was a semi-cool QuickFire Challenge… cooking a dish that an imaginary cartoon character might like. Ok, well, it sounds kind of stupid when I put it like that. And no, it wasn’t for the cast of SpongeBob SquarePants, although that would have been just as cool (imagine making semi-cannibalistic dishes out of calamari for Squidward, and crab legs for Mr. Krabs, and Texan Squirrel Meat™ for Sandy Cheeks? All I know is, I’d eat Patrick Star if he asked me to). In actuality, the characters were all from The Simpsons, and judging the dishes were creator Matt Groening and voice-actor Hank Azaria! OH, and some other dorky-looking dude with glasses. It’s even more fun to watch Sussudio this time around, because the only Simpson he knows is O.J. Also, he “accidentally” fucks with Tobama in a big way.
The Elimination Challenge is one of the most disgusting ever, it’s the “exotic surf ‘n’ turf” with tasty things like black chicken, goat leg, sea cucumber and the extremely penile-looking geoduck. Naturally this means that the judge is Andrew Zimmern, that bald-headed guy with the bad teeth who has that show on the Travel Channel where he gets to travel the world and (according to Tyler Florence at least) eat camel cock and yak testicles. Now that’s a palate worth listening to critiques from, right? Wellllll, maybe once he washes down the donkey jizz he guzzled last night. Still, I think Andy’s kind of cute, although I wouldn’t kiss him, camel cock breath is pretty vile. Don’t ask me how I know this. Also, please accept my biggest, fattest, and gayest apologies on the lateness of last week’s recap, I have had major issues with logging in that have been heroically fixed by Flipit, and I’m working like mad now trying to figure out the new system. Don’t worry, I will get my shit together one way or another, and I love you guys! *MWAH*
Happy Town: Slife Goes On
First of all, I must warn all of you loyal readers, that Happy Town is such a stinker of a show, ABC has decided to yank it after only three episodes! However, despite sagging ratings, they plan on airing the remaining five episodes, starting June 2, so until then, let’s rip tonight’s preposterous episode a new hole!
OMG, where to start?! So many new characters were introduced! The Stivilettos hired a lawyer who filed criminal charges against Tommy for whooping their asses last week. Tommy found out they were under marching orders from their vengeful, jailbird brother Greggy who he put away five years ago. Andrew tried to take down Georgia’s boozy father Carl, but ended up getting shanked and later arrested.
Meanwhile, Tommy still refused to arrest Big Dave for killing Jerry Friddle, then acted shocked when Big Dave kept loafing around his house and hanging with his wife and daughter. Also encroaching on Tommy’s family was Merritt Grieves, who gifted Emma with a journal that can make the writing on its pages disappear.
Henley was rescued from her hawk-attack-car-crash by a tall, dark, handsome man named Aidan who got her checked out by a vet, then took her across the street to a sleazy motel to play doctor together. She fell for his seductive charm, until she realized that he stole her prized rams-head hammer out from under her.
The show didn’t get good until the last few minutes of the episode, when Aidan was revealed to be the Stiviletto’s brother Greggy, and Tommy’s wife Rachel went missing at the Thaw Fest, presumably the latest victim of the Magic Man…
The Challenge: VirginiaApple
The tension continued to rise last night on the Challenge. The ante was upped, the heat was on, and many a back was stabbed. It was all business this week, and the episode focused on the challenge, the alliances, and the manipulation. There was no spending half the episode telling us about makeout buddies like last week. In fact, I’m not sure I saw a single alcoholic beverage the entire time.
The challenge was log-pushing epic that consisted of 90% of this season’s promos. It actually was pretty epic, at first. It’s too complicated to get into here, but basically Ev threw the challenge so that Ass could win. Luckily for us, he failed spectacularly. Long story short, it was between Kenny/Laurel and Jill/Pete for the win, and K/L generously let J/P have this one. As always, Ass and the Evster went into a frenzy between the challenge and the deliberation, and somehow convinced Kenny to send Landon/Carley in against CJ/Sydney. All I can say is that at this point, the Fall of the Great Alliance has been built up for so long that it had better come crashing down in glorious fashion.