About Last Night: Tuesday

The Bachelorette: Bbitz

Last night on the wonderful world of “The Bachelorette” things got all hot, steamy and erupted – and not just with the volcano. Ali picks Kirk for her one-on-one for his poetry. And then comes his BIG reveal! BLACK MOLD! BUM BUM BUMMMMMM!!! (Lame.) Ali also goes on a group date with the boys. The best part isn’t so much the time with Ali – but the time the boys spend WITHOUT her – and the meltdowns that ensue because of it. I’m pretty sure Frank is responsible for the volcano erupting and downing flights for weeks on end. WAY TO GO FRANK. As if your crooked smile isn’t enough. The episode comes to a climax when Ali takes dramatic, manipulative Justin out on a double date with dramatic, bat-shit-crazy Kasey. Two men enter – ONE man leaves! Find out who in my full recap – coming to a TVgasm near you!

Persons Unknown: Copyhacker

This week on Persons Unknown: Paging Steve McQueen! We cover every prison cliche in Hollywood’s repertoire. Tunnels. Tear gas. Attempted rape. Pillow-biting. The gang tries to dig and/or burn their way out of town, only to be interrupted by a Dharma drop containing gas masks. Three gas masks to be exact. The goal of this week’s HOH (Head of Hotel) competition is to be one of the lucky three Hotelguests to end up with one. Or is it? You don’t need Julie Chen to tell you that—of course—there’s a twist. Said twist is pretty funny, although I bet they were shooting for shockingly ironic.

You also don’t need the Chenbot to tell you that there are more than a few skeletons in the hotel closets. Cameron, I mean Charlie, and Tori have both got some esplainin’ to do this week. Janet directs yet another extended monologue at the security camera. If I was the poor intern on the other end of that thing, I’d’ve hit the mute button days ago.

Back in the real world, Fearless Reporter Renbe has another run-in or two with the guy that jumped him last week. Because I have no short-term memory, I didn’t realize that this is the same private dick that approached Janet in the first scene of the premiere. His name? Edick. I could not make this stuff up. A battle royal of who-has-dirt-on-who ensues. Is anyone telling the truth? Does anyone care? Next week’s previews promise that all will be revealed by the end of the summer. The biggest mystery: will anyone still be watching?

True Beauty: Medusa

In week four of True Beauty, the contestants create a photo campaign for a Vegas buffet by posing nude. Their true challenge will be if they assist a woman who has lost her engagement ring in the trash. Quicker than Cowboy Craig agrees to pose with crustaceans near his crotch, I can guarantee you these beauties will not all be willing to get dirty for anyone who is not named Hefner. I will reveal that one (adorable) male contestant jumps into the fray, but as expected, some of the women will not get their hands dirty for anything less than Kendra’s room at the mansion.