About Last Night: Tuesday

Mini caps of last night’s TV.

The Bachelor: IceQueen

The Bachelor’s back! But it’s not a new bachelor. It’s an old bachelor who didn’t find love last time he was on the show and now, according to ABC, America hates him! An entire nation, united in their hatred for a man who did not find true love on a fake TV show. Do you hate Brad Womack? I had never heard of him until I watched this show last night, so I did not hate him until a few minutes in. Who is Brad Womack? He’s a man with the body of a god, the face of an angel, the vocabulary of an 11-year-old, and the emotional IQ of a toddler. Because Brad did not find love on The Bachelor three years ago, he has been hiding from mobs of angry Americans at his therapist’s office. Yes, Brad has been in therapy this whole time. And working out. The chest is like — dayum!

After Brad let down the two women who were vying for his love last time, they went away heart-broken and he returned to Austin and hit rock bottom. But after addressing some daddy issues, he’s ready to love again! And even though his last turn at The Bachelor was a traumatic, life-altering experience, he’s decided he can make it work this time. He’s concerned, however, that the 30 women who he’s going to meet will be skeptical of his motives. This is a valid concern and he’s visibly nervous as he prepares to meet the 30 women. But first, Chris Harrison has a surprise for him! It’s a sit-down conversation with the two women he dumped three years ago! Wow. This Chris Harrison is like some evil relationship super villain, slowly breaking you down psychologically, and then building you up, only to break you down one final time and send you back to Austin contemplating suicide.

Some sad ladies called Jenny and Deanna come out to sit with them, and it’s all awkward silence and them smiling tightly. And even though they’re both wearing gigantic diamond rings on their marriage fingers, they still haven’t really forgiven Brad who embarrassed them in front of all of America by not proposing after knowing them for a few weeks. But because they’re on TV and this is not VH1, they wish him the best and everybody hugs.

The collection of women who came to L.A. hoping to marry a complete stranger is an interesting one. There are some definite front-runners, whom we can discuss in the re-cap. There are also the obvious whack jobs. This year’s cast includes: an adult woman who is obsessed with vampires and has fangs (it’s not clear yet if these are her real teeth or just dentures she insists on putting on every day). There’s a manscaper — a woman who waxes men’s privates for a living, including something she calls “bat wings.” There’s a dentist who may need to go to rehab for laughing gas abuse. There’s a Radio City Rockette who starts off her moment in the spotlight by high kicking and flashing her cooter at Brad. There’s a woman who looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid. One who may be a dude. And we have the requisite “I’m not here to make friends” bitch. Also, there are some truly awful dresses being worn.

The first rose ceremony sent 10 women packing. Several cried. Only one slurred her way out the door, so they must limit the alcohol intake on this show. And we learned during several commercial breaks that the next season of The Bachelor is already casting. Fingers crossed that it’ll be Brad again!

Tabatha’s Salon Takeover: Medusa

This week The Divine Miss T is out-fabuloused and out-outed by Provincetown’s West End Salon. Owner Dougie has owned this small salon – the exterior has the look of a shanty from a New England beach town and interior has the square footage of an Upper East Side studio apartment – for nearly 30 years. However the only tricks this old dog has picked up are from the accessory aisle at Spencer Gifts.

Dougie is a wonderfully sweet soul, with a bubbly personality and more prop comedy than talent. He has a very short summer season in P-town to do as much business as he can, unfortunately his business entails a stripper pole (where customers can dance for a discount on their services) and more shtick than a college comedy troupe.

Tabatha is outraged by the lack of professionalism and integrity in the salon. She has sharp words for Dougie and his yam colored Boy Wonder, Robbie from the moment she sets foot in The West End Salon. After a week of harsh criticism from Tabatha only one can emerge *the* Queen of the salon.

Pretty Little Liars: VirginiaApple

One of the newest, guiltiest pleasures on television returned last night, and it did not disappoint. With a dozen guys mooning over our heroines and more fabulous hair than you can shake a brush at, sometimes I even forget to wonder who “A” is! Just kidding, I totally want to beat down the “A”hole who ran over poor Hanna. The episode also posed the question of who’s creepier: the high school teacher who seems to want a legitimate relationship with his student, or the high school student who witnesses these relations and leaves a cryptic message on the car window? I’m sure to lose sleep pondering that conundrum.

In case any of you were holding candlelight vigils in Hanna’s memory, you can snuff those flames because she’s alive! Shocking spoiler alert, I know. In this episode she makes up with Mona and shoots down Lucas, who awesomely tells her off. She also has a fever dream about Alison and declares that Noel is “A” because he wrote on Mr. Fitz’s window. Hanna kept herself busy for someone who never even left her hospital bed… Oh, and “A” totally left a creepy message on her cast! And chopped down the tree that said “Alison + Ian” in a heart and burned it in a fireplace!

As for our other girls, Aria angsted all over Fitz and desperately pleaded with Noel to keep their rendezvous a secret. She also did not correct Noel’s belief that Fitzy is a creepy sexual predator. Emily came out (is it just me, or does this show have everything?) to her dad, who wasn’t happy but took it better than her mom, who has the same perpetually-concerned look on her face as her daughter. Emily also tried to defend/track down Toby and gave Blind Incestuous Jenna a piece of her mind. Spencer, ummm…. hugged her sister, who then eloped with Ian. And the countdown to Ian and Spencer hooking up again begins… now.

In short, lots of fun things happened and everyone looked really pretty because that’s how they roll. Come back soon for the full recap so we can discuss everything in detail!