About Last Night: Tuesday

Mini Caps of The Bachelor, Salon Takeover, and Pretty Little Liars

The Bachelor: IceQueen

Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was all about hot messes. The whole show was one hot mess, from the first absurd date to the final weepy, desperate exit interview. I have never in my life seen so much crying; over what, I’m not sure. Overly enthusiastic dentist and Ben Franklin conversationalist Ashley H. is the winner of the first date. She gets all dolled up and Bachelor Brad drives her to some dark, deserted road in the forest and then leads her on foot to a giant novelty switch planted in the ground. Ashley flips the switch and BAM! before them appears a carnival that they have all to themselves. It’s very eerie that there appears to be no one else at the carnival. After running through the fair like to giant children, they sit down to some fair food (wine and cheese) and have a Serious Talk. Ashley flops around like a Muppet as she reveals that her dad is a homeless junkie who abandoned his family. As we learned last week, Brad has daddy issues, so he can commiserate. He gives Ashley a rose for her pain, which means she’s sticking around for another week.

Meantime, back at the mansion, another date card has arrived. There’s going to be another date tomorrow and a whopping 15 women will be going on it. They’re not happy, especially beautiful but hairy-moled Michelle. You see, tomorrow is Molechelle’s birthday. Her 30th birthday. Not her 29th. Not her 31st. Her 30th. And she wanted a big ol’ hunk of Brad meat for her 30th birthday. The 15 chosen ones smear their faces with war paint and then meet Brad at some sort of set or studio or whatever it’s called, where they learn they’ll be shooting public service announcements for the American Red Cross. They’re divided into groups and get scripts and costumes. While the purpose of the PSAs is to create awareness about the importance of giving blood, they’re all pretty offensive. One is a Latin soap opera about women fighting over “Gustavo” (Brad). In another, Brad goes speed dating with a bunch of psycho women, each one crazier than the last. In the third PSA, Brad takes two ‘”party girls” to bed and turns into a vampire after making out with them. Even more offensive than the scripts is the acting. It’s just horrible. As the day wears on, Molechelle and strung out waitress Melissa start to lose it. Melissa interrupts a scene she’s not supposed to be in to kiss Brad. Molechelle walks offset and sulks in a corner until Brad comes to comfort her. She didn’t plan on spending her birthday like this.

After wrapping the PSAs, everyone heads to the roof of some fancy L.A. hotel, which they have all to themselves, because nothing says healthy, loving relationship like complete and utter isolation. As they “party,” Brad has some one-on-one time with the girls. At this point, Melissa lets him know that she’s not crazy — just spontaneous! Later, Molechelle reminds Brad that it’s her birthday and demands that he open up to her. Melissa’s brand of crazy is a turn off, but Molechelle’s gets Brad all hot and bothered and the next thing you know, he’s giving her a rose, so we’ll be hearing about her birthday for another week.

Back at the house, another date notification card has arrived, this time for Jackie, the New York “artist.” Brad picks her up the next day and tells us that he’s going to give her the Pretty Woman treatment. I always find it funny when people forget that Pretty Woman is about a whore and her john. They go to Beverly Hills and spend some time in a spa. Then Brad takes Jackie to a hotel room where a ton of dresses are awaiting her. She picks out the least flattering one she can find and joins Brad for dinner at the Hollywood Bowl. Over dinner, she mentions that she’s only had two boyfriends, one in high school and one after college. Brad is incredulous and is worried that she’s too closed off to find love. But he gives her a rose anyway, so she and her heinous dress are sticking around. After the rose is given, the stage begins to turn and there, before them, is amazing pop rock band Train. Train performs just for Brad and Jackie and the whole thing just seems awkward. They dance around awkwardly. Train dances around awkwardly.

The next time we see Brad he is back in front of the Malibu mansion for a cocktail party with the women. Molechelle grabs him immediately and begins to ask him all sorts of nonsensical questions. Meanwhile, Melissa and manscaper Raichel have gotten into some sort of passive aggressive cat fighting and both whine about it to Brad. Their crazy has gotten to be a little too much for him, so he’s brought in former Bachelorette Ali and her man Roberto to help him sift through the whack jobs. After Ali and Roberto interview each of the girls, it’s time for the final rose ceremony. The two crazies and Rockette Keltie get the boot. They handle their exit pretty well, although Keltie tearfully informs us that love is not in the cards for her. That’s sad. I feel especially sorry for all of the women who get kicked off before the crazy girl with the fangs. In the recap, I’ll have more details about the dates, Molechelle’s birthday, and we can discuss whether or not we think Brad is a good kisser.

Tabatha’s Salon Takeover: Medusa

Tabatha is not finished terrifying New Englanders, so she turns up in Boston at Avanti Salon. Avanti Salon is located on Newbury Street, which stretches from Mass Ave all the way down to Boston Commons… getting increasingly out of my college shopping budget as you travelled farther from BU’s campus. Newbury was the best place to find high-end restaurants and salons, and while I was living in Boston, it was the best place to find Bronson Arroyo getting his cornrows touched up.

Alex has owned the salon for 20 years, but hasn’t really had any control since Marky Mark was on the Billboard Top 100. His salon is chaos. His staff shows up whenever they want and in any condition they want — drunk or hungover, nasty or stupid.

His bank balance (and testosterone level) is dropping rapidly as he doesn’t know how to lead, so he turns to Tabatha to show him how to run his business and control his staff. Time to Cowboy-up, Avanti!

Pretty Little Liars: VirginiaApple

Hanna’s home from the hospital, and promptly discovers a pasta box full of money hidden by her mother. Of course, since she needs a secret to keep from her friends in order to maintain the premise of the show, she neglects to inform anyone other than her mother of her discovery. Then bitchy Mona throws a party at Hanna’s house, which poor wheelchair-bound Hanna is stuck cleaning up by herself when she gets freaked out by some shadows. Luckily, her mother comes home just then, but unfortunately the lasagna box is now empty. Hanna finds a note from A in one of her pill boxes promising to give back the money if Hanna does what A says. Scandalous.

Meanwhile, Emily’s parents have invited Maya over for dinner. Emily’s dad is actually quite charmed by Maya, and seems to be doing okay with the whole thing. Her mother tries to put on a brave face but finally admits to Emily later that homosexuality makes her want to vomit. Oh, and by the way, her dad has to go back to the army sooner than expected, so that house is going to be really freaking awkward. Also awkward? Every second of watching Spencer with her completely disinterested boyfriend, who is too busy being a Working Class Hero to bother making an attempt at being a pro athlete. Whatever.

Aria and Fitz are still the king and queen of Angstville, but Noel is there to shake things up by blackmailing Fitz into changing his grade and then telling Aria that it was all in Fitzy’s head. The girls are all crazy suspicious of him, and he wanders around being creepy/awesome. Also being creepy/awesome is Lucas, who picks a fight with Hanna’s boyfriend and then tells her off. He also admits to destroying Alison’s memorial, which is supposed to be suspicious but I’m sure is just a red herring. Hanna promises not to tell anyone (yet, I guess). Oh, and Toby’s back and on house arrest, but apparently he’s taking a break from the incest.

Come back for a double recap of the premiere and this week’s episode!