About Last Night: Tuesday

Mini caps of The Bachelor, H50, Skins, and Pretty Little Liars

The Bachelor: IceQueen

We learned a lot of things on The Bachelor last night. We learned that sometimes fangs are really just walls we put up to protect ourselves. We learned that, in order to make a relationship work, we need to be willing to get uncomfortable and make horrible, tone-deaf fools of ourselves. We also learned that fathers are terrible, terrible people. Seriously. Never become a father because it apparently makes you a low-down, no good, cheating, homeless junkie. Or dead. How can so many people have so many daddy issues??

Last night’s first date went to Ashley S. Ashley S. was the woman who received the First Impression Rose after impressing Brad by offering him friendship during their very first cocktail party. As you may recall, Ashley’s dad died suddenly two years ago after a brain aneurysm. What you didn’t know was that Ashley and her dad used to sing “Kiss from a Rose” together all the time at the top of their lungs. How fortunate, then, that their first date is at Capital Records where they are recording that very song! Why are they doing this, you ask? That’s never clear. What is clear, however, is the fact that they are both terrible, terrible singers. It is a tortuous scene, and they finally stop and walk into another room where Seal is performing the very song they just butchered! Ok. That’s pretty cool.Though a bit awkward, because he never speaks to them or acknowledges their presence. After a couple of songs, they have dinner on the roof of the building and Ashley tells Brad about her dad. Brad gives her the rose (he’s handing these things out like candy! Cut someone already!) so she’ll be sticking around for another week. They hug and make out and Ashley says she may have lost her dad, but she might be gaining a husband. Ick.

Last night’s group date was all about ass-kicking. The women are going to be shooting an action movie in which they’ll have to take down a bunch of bad guys and rescue Brad. For some reason, he has been tied up to a post without his shirt on. Perhaps by a gang of sexy, gay ninjas? In any event, the standouts of this activity are Shawntel, the funeral director who looks like a member of the Addams family, and our favorite psychopathic dater, the sexy and hairy-moled Michelle. Morticia does a great job. She takes her ass-kicking very seriously and gets to make out with Brad twice: once while he’s tied up, and then again in his arms as an explosion goes off behind them. This could be hot, but she’s been made to wear some unfortunate looking leopard-print leggings that make her ass look like sack — all shapeless and saggy. Molechelle. Sigh. Molechelle… she whines and complains and screeches and pulls at her hair. Later, at the “wrap party,” Brad has some one-on-one time with several girls, and he makes sure to have sloppy kisses with all of them, including Molechelle. Sadly, the fireworks that she predicted did not happen. The rose for the night goes to Morticia, for her macabre efforts to save Brad from the gay ninjas.

The second individual date of the night goes to Emily, whom the rest of the girls want to hate (because she looks like Barbie) but they can’t (because she “has the soul of Mother Teresa”). By now, Emily has told the tragic story of her fiance dying in a plane crash to all the women in the house and now it’s time to tell Brad that she lost the love of her life in a plane crash AND has a daughter. And wouldn’t you know — their date begins with a plane ride. Emily is nervous, but doesn’t say anything as they fly to wine country. After much hemming and hawing, Emily finally tells Brad her story over dinner in a barn. He’s relieved that she’s finally opened up, and her tragedy makes him like her more. She gets a rose and they make out.

Before the next cocktail party and rose ceremony, Brad meets with a therapist who encourages him to make the women feel more comfortable so they’ll open up. At the party, things are going fine until Brad sits down to speak with Madison, the model/vampire. He knows something’s up when she gets teary-eyed and takes out her fangs. She feels terrible — she came here for fun, thinking it would be cool to fall in love. But Emily’s story made her realize that some of the women are for real, for reals. Sure, she wants love, but some of the women NEED love.

Later, at the rose ceremony, as Brad starts giving out roses, Madison walks out. Brad follows her and she tells him that she wants to leave. She doesn’t want to take a rose away from someone else. So, she’s gone and I salute her for rising above the vampire nonsense and being real. Also leaving last night: Sarah, a girl who I remember nothing about. And Kimberly, the adult cabbage patch kid, who keeps things classy by saying “Fuck Brad. His loss.” So much bitterness from someone whose 15 minutes of fame were so short.

Pretty Little Liars: VirginiaApple

Well, we’re not really any closer to finding A (of course), but the girls have finally realized that Noel is not exactly a prime suspect, so that’s something. Speaking of Noel, his attempts to blackmail Fitzy didn’t work out so well, since Fitzy decided to resign before he ended up in prison for being a pedo. Oh, and Noel has also befriended Aria’s little bro, and used him to freak her out and threaten to tattle on her and Fitzy.

As for Hanna, she can miraculously walk all of a sudden, and got paid $600 to eat cupcakes. What a rough life she has. I know, I know, it’s traumatizing because she used to be fat, and then she was bulemic, and now she’s just awesome. How old are these girls? They have certainly accomplished a lot at such a young age. And Emily’s judgy mom went through Maya’s bag and found pot, so she’s getting shipped off to juvie camp? Did I hear that right? Is that a thing? Apparently it turns paint huffers into gospel band drummers, which sounds like a reverse True Hollywood Story if I’ve ever heard one.

Spencer’s sister has apparently lost all ambition to accomplish anything in life aside from having lots of babies now that she has been married for three days. Spencer tries to investigate Ian, but doesn’t really learn anything until A sends the girls the video of Alison and Ian, which the girls see for the first time. We get to see more of it than we had before, and it’s ambiguously creepy just like pretty much everyone and everything in this show. Come back soon (for real this time) for the full recap so we can discuss everything in detail!

Skins: Lady Stardust

About a year ago, I heard about the hit British show, Skins. I watched the first episode, then quit because the strong British accents mixed with all the British slang made me only able to understand about half of what was going on. So when I heard they were doing a remake, I was excited. Then I heard it was on MTV and was like, shit.

In the first episode, we are introduced to like 20 “main” characters. I have no idea who anyone is at this point, so they’re all just “girl who OD’d on pills” and “virgin” to me right now. The whole episode pretty much centered around trying to get the virgin guy laid at a party they are crashing that night.

The virgin is friends with this guy who I guess is one of those charming guys that girls love, but really they’re a dick. The dick has a girlfriend who the virgin is in love with. But the virgin is supposed to hook up with this crazy chick who likes knives. There’s also an Indian guy, a closet lesbian cheerleader, the stereotypical smart Asian girl who plays an instrument, and one guy who I’m pretty sure is just completely crazy.

Put them all together, and you have a mixture of Degrassi and Undressed. Hopefully. Please don’t let me down as usual, MTV. Come back for the full recap later this week!

Hawaii Five-0: Dangerously

Last night on Hawaii Five-0, I got a wicked sense of Deja-vu. It also made me wonder whether it was okay or not to take a line that was quite a staple of mine from a previous show and use it in this recap. I guess you’ll have to wait and see what I decide. Not to give too much away, but sadly there won’t be any shirtless shots of McG in this week’s recap, because there weren’t any in the show. Rest assured, I’ve already written a letter to the president of CBS demanding this be remedied, so tune in next week for a guaranteed gun show.

The episode starts off with a bitchin’ car chase, which of course follows all of the stereotypes of Hollywood-style cop shows…the car being chased is a Mustang, and all of the cops are completely inept at actually doing anything. Well, until Boomer gets involved…I think she’s on a strict quota of 1 bit of badassery per 4 episodes. She blows by all the coppers and eventually the guy has to swerve off the highway onto a side street, where more cops just happen to be waiting with a spike strip. Following is a pretty epic crash, and a box flies out of the car!!! And there’s blood. Se7en, anyone?

So the box contains a head, and the driver was some poor illegal Chinese immigrant, and after doing some detective work McG realizes that he had a son, and immediately goes back to “Dad’s are the most important thing in the world” mode, which isn’t to say that’s untrue in anyways, but you all know how he gets with his daddy issues. Sorry, this is my first Hawaii Five-0 About Last Night, and I’m realizing I have no idea how to do this without giving too much away, as we’re right in the frank and beans (er…meat & potatoes) of the mystery!

So the rest of the episode goes like this. McG makes it his personal mission to make sure our dead Chinese guy’s dad is taken care of so he can step in and be a dad for his grandson. Boomer wasted the entire quota’s worth of badassery on the car chase, so she’s hardly heard from. McG and Danno argue about who would’ve been Eric Estrada if Five-0 were renamed Chips. Jin runs into his ex-fiance (or maybe ex-wife, now I forget). Finally, a money-drop goes baaaaaaaaaaaaad and of course that just magically happens to lead our heroes to the answer they’ve been searching for the whole time just in time for the credits!