About Last Night: Tuesday

Mini caps of Gossip Girl, The Bachelor, Skins, and Pretty Little Liars

Gossip Girl: SlifeGoesOn

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. It has been six long weeks since we were treated to a fresh installment of Serena and Blair’s Upper East Side dramz, and unfortunately, absence has not made the heart grow fonder. The new year brought a new episode, which struggled to find its footing amidst a dearth of growing pains. Similarly, everyone seemed to be struggling with parental issues amidst a sea of silly subplots.

Lily Van der Woodsen was back in town, drink in hand, and quickly making enemies of all her children – blood and step alike. Serena was all pissed off because Lily seemed to be thwarting her attempts to free wrongly-imprisoned Ben from the slammer. Upchuck was all pissed off because Lily was moving forward with her plans to sell Bass industries without his permission. And Eric was all pissy because, well, he’s gay.

Blair was willing to use her own mother in a hackneyed scheme to score a coveted internship. Yawn! Elsewhere, Nate had his hands full with his dad, who would rather play Wii and chase pussy than look for work, per his parole officer. Double yawn!

Luckily, there’s a deliciously devious new family of villains in town; the father-daughter duo of Richard and Raina Thorpe. Richard is the spurned ex-business partner of Bart Bass, now hellbent on buying Bass Industries so he can dismantle it. He also happens to be one of Lily’s many spurned ex-lovers! Meanwhile, daughter Raina has her sights set on mixing business and pleasure with Chuck…

Despite the atrocious winter wardrobes, there were a few bright spots that suggested spring might not be far off: the glorious absence of Manessa, the budding relationship between Dan and Blair, and Lily’s continued downward spiral into alcoholism. LOL. Stay tuned for the full recap!!

The Bachelor: IceQueen

Early on in last night’s episode of The Bachelor, our favorite sexy-crazy person Michelle asks, “who wakes up with a black eye?” The answer, of course, being the crazy-sexy person in the house, Michelle herself. Yes, Michelle has woken up with a shiner and has no idea how she got it. This is weird and I, for one, would be concerned. This black eye is a good think for Michelle, though, because when Brad shows up at the house to pick up Chantal O. for a one-on-one date, Michelle ensures that he notices her injury. She wriggles and preens and tries to look pitiful and sexy as the glorious light from Brad’s confused gaze shines dimly on her. “That’s strange,” he says. This is followed by awkward silence. And then the “thud-thud-thud” of a little helicopter that has come to pick up Brad and Chantal O. for their date.

Chantal O. is the other sexy one in the house. Brad enjoys making out with her, but may be a little confused by his attraction, because she is the one who bitch-slapped him when they first met. He knows this is not a sign of the healthy relationship he’s looking for. But at the same time, Brad is the type of man who needs to be made a bitch every once in awhile. Life’s less complicated when others tell you what to do, isn’t it, Brad? So Slappy and Brad go to Catalina Island and get on a boat which is going to drop them in the water and make them walk around the muddy, cloudy bottom. Chantal is scared and shaking as they pop her into some sort of device that makes her look like a Snork. She and Brad walk around in the water and look at marine life and hold hands, which is really silly. And then they have dinner outside on the beach. Slappy apologizes for slapping him and Brad is secretly disappointed because he liked it and was hoping he’d finally, finally found a woman to experiment on his secret kink. But Slappy really is sorry and it’s nice to apologize when you’ve done something wrong, so Brad makes out with her and gives her a rose. Which is sort of like some weird Pavlovian response thing: “submit to me and I will reward you by licking the inside of your mouth repeatedly and giving you flowers.”

Group date time. These groups are still too big to name every woman on them. What’s important to know is that Michelle is not going. The group daters meet Brad at the Loveline studios where they’ll be meeting with Mike and “Dr.” Drew. A bunch of invasive questions are asked and we find out the Boston bartender Stacey cheated on her boyfriend one drunken college night. Brad appreciates her honesty, but you know he’s going to cut her as soon as he can. Brad has actually never cheated. Not even when he was in 8th grade did he go make out with another girl on the football field. Is this something that kids do? Make out on the football field? Doesn’t seem very private. Anyway, the most important part of the date is when Britt finally speaks up for the first time on Loveline and says that she wants to get to know Brad better but is a bit intimidated. Also, Muppet dentist Ashley H. says she feels herself “retracting.” Later, they’re all in a pool somewhere and Ashley H. starts to lose it a bit. She’s the other crazy one in the house. She interrupts Brad and Britt’s make-out session and voices her insecurities to Brad. Later, when he’s about to give her a rose, she makes some sarcastic remark, so he gives the rose to Britt instead. Burn!

The last one-on-one date of the episode goes to Michelle. Beating herself up paid off and she and Brad get to go rappel down the side of a building. She is, of course, afraid of heights. Brad’s scared, too, and I really don’t blame them. I don’t have a problem with heights, but dropping down the side of a glass building seems terrifying. They both survive the climb down to the pool where dinner is waiting. Eventually, Brad gives her a rose and they make out and Michelle makes threatening faces at the other girls via the interview camera, throwing jabs and smacking her palm with her elbow. Tone it down, lady.

Time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Brad spends a lot of time reassuring various women that, yes, he does feel a connection to them and, no, they shouldn’t pull away — even though he will be cutting three of them in a few minutes. He also has a special surprise…. for Emily. He pulls her aside and spreads out a blanket and lights some candles and they have wine, just like on their last date. He really missed her and wanted to make her feel special. Emily definitely does feel special. But the other women are having conniption-fits, as we say down south. I don’t blame them. That’s really a punch in the stomach, as Chantal O. keeps saying.

Rose ceremony time… Roses go out to all but four women. Ashley H., Boston Stacey, Meghan and Lindsay are all on the chopping block. Final rose goes to Muppet dentist and skeptic Ashley H. Boo! I say. I would have gone with Cheater Stacey. With her, you know what you’re getting — a hot makeout sesh on the football field. Ashley H. is on the verge of losing her freakin mind and is unpredictable. I’m glad we’re finally getting rid of some of the dead weight, though. Aside from not being blonde, Meghan and Lindsay were adding nothing to this show. And if your major contribution is that you’re not as blonde and Disney princess-like and outgoing as the other women on the show, there’s just no hope for you.

Skins: Lady Stardust

This week it’s Tea’s story. I guess each episode will center around one of the forty main characters. Tea meets girl from one of her classes in a lesbian bar. They sneak back into her house and have sex.

Tony convinces Cadie to tell everyone that she and Stanley had sex. She agrees. Of course this is just so Tony can make Tea hold up her end of their deal – if Stanley loses his virginity, she has to show her boobs at halftime on Friday while cheerleading. I’m still trying to figure out how she’s going to do that “accidentally”. Those cheerleader tops aren’t exactly easy to just fall out of.

Meanwhile, Stanley still owns his drug dealer $900. So the creepy ass dealer starts following and harassing Stanley’s friends to find him. He’s pretty much screwed.

Tea runs into the girl that she slept with last night at school. Apparently she has a boyfriend, but still wants something on the side with Tea. Tea tells her that no one can match up to her and she doesn’t want to be with someone who is covering up with a boyfriend. That’s interesting, since Tea still can’t tell her family.

Since Tea’s family doesn’t know she’s gay, her dad sets her up with one of his friend’s sons. The son turns out to be Tony. Hahahaha. Their date consists of a bottle of vodka and a merry-go-round. That sounds like a bad, bad idea. They end up back at the empty lesbian club to dance and have sex. Which….wtf? They both seem as confused as I am.

The next day, Tea’s lesbian “friend” makes out with her in the cafeteria. I guess to prove that she’s done hiding under her boyfriend. Outside, Tea’s dad and his mob friends harass the creepy drug dealer and run him out of town. Well that was a convenient way to deal with that mess.

Also, Tea finds out her grandma is also a lesbian. Basically it was a very lesbian episode. Come back later in the week for the full recap!

Pretty Little Liars: VirginiaApple

Well, it’s good to know that despite being “A’s” taskmaster and trying to solve a murder all while being stalked/threatened/run over by cars, Hanna still has time to plan a school dance. This show is a lot like The Vampire Diaries in that sense. This week’s Hanna payoff comes in the form of being paid thousands of dollars to dance with Dorkus all night and ignore her boyfriend, who finally gets fed up and dumps her. Dorkus tries to make a move, but Hanna’s having none of it. She does at least have the decency to feel bad about it though, so she’s not a total “A”hole.

In other news, Drunk Emily is SO MUCH BETTER than Sober Emily. After a call to Maya makes Emily feel like she’s been left in the dust, she swipes Hanna’s flask and gets bombed. She drunkenly tells off both Hanna and Ian. The former feels even worse than she already did, while the latter (who is already suspicious of the girls when they acted ridiculously shady trying to prevent him from seeing the video of him on Spencer’s laptop) grills Spencer until she lies that Emily was referring to their top secret kiss. Speaking of Spencer’s laptop, it disappears (we’re to believe it was taken by Ian) just long enough for the video to be erased before they could take it to the police. It is replaced by a picture of Alison from the night she disappeared, and there is a mysterious shadowy figure lurking behind her.

Angstia finds a new threat to her relationship with Fitzy this week in the form of her former babysitter, who is now a published author and takes a liking to Fitzy. Angstia nearly loses her shit, but is saved by the always awesome Spencer. It would have been extra embarrassing if she made a scene since both her parents were conveniently chaperoning the school dance. Also, there’s (yet another) creepy new kid lurking about, because we haven’t had one of those in days. Come back soon for the full recap so we can discuss everything in detail!