About Last Night: Tuesday

Mini caps of Gossip Girl, Skins, The Bachelor, Pretty Little Liars, and Salon Takeover

Mini caps of Gossip Girl, Skins, The Bachelor, Pretty Little Liars, and Salon Takeover

Gossip Girl: SlifeGoesOn

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. Wow! What a difference a week makes! Last night’s episode helped the struggling series roar back to life with a vengeance. Every storyline sizzled with heat, intrigue, originality, and best of all: snappy dialogue!

At the center of this fun-filled romp was the continued “frenemosity” (yes, I think I just coined a new phrase) between Dan and Blair as they became unwitting intern rivals at W magazine. And while I loved the shades of Devil Wears Prada, I had to admit it lacked a tad of credibility that there wasn’t a single gay intern! (You know a million twinks would kill for that job!)

Speaking of twinks, Eric got a full-fledged storyline for once! His love life has always been relegated to the back burner, but with Little J out of the picture, E got to bask in the warmth of the spotlight. It seems Elliott dumped his ass over Winter Break, and holier-than-thou Jonathan is sniffing around for a reconciliation. Complicating matters is the fact that Eric has been spending some less-than-quality time with everyone’s fave drug dealer, Damian Dalgaard, who may or may not be bisexual now!!

Serena continued her epic freeze on her mom, especially when she discovered that Lily tried to pay Ben off to leave town for good. Unfortunately, Ben was just as chilly when it came to her romantic advances. Luckily, Ben wasn’t totally above charitable handouts, and agreed to move into Roofus’ now vacant Brooklyn loft.

Finally, Chuck and Nate got their panties in a twist when they discovered that big, new baddie Russell Thorpe hired “Captain” Archibald as his new financial advisor. Raina became Chuck’s estranged bedfellow when he asked her to have the Captain fired, which drove a divisive wedge between father and son.

The battle lines are starting to be drawn!! Whose side are you on?? Stay tuned for the full recap!!
The Bachelor: IceQueen

Last night’s Bachelor was the saddest, saddest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Who knew the path to love was watered by so many tears? This week our Bachelor and wannabe Brides departed Los Angeles for the most romantic city in the world: Las Vegas. They finally changed things up. There were three dates and everyone was involved: a one-on-one date, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one date in which only one woman returned alive. The other woman lived, but she had to go home, teary-eyed and without an engagement ring.

First date of the night goes to Shawntel N., the funeral director and embalmer with the perma-stank face. Brad takes her to the mall for a shopping spree. He say it’s “every single girl’s dream” ’cause women be shopping. You can’t stop a woman from shopping! They buy thousands of dollars worth of clothes, shoes and handbags. Later they go to dinner on the roof of the mall and Shawntel describes the embalming process to Brad while they eat sushi. She goes into detail about making incisions and replacing blood with chemicals and leakage and orifices and what not. You know. Appropriate dinner conversation. It works, though, because Brad gives her a rose and then they watch a fireworks show and then they make out. Perhaps it’s all those smelly chemicals that have given Shawntel her perma-stank face.

The group date is next and the daters pile into limos and head out of the city to the Las Vegas Vegas Motor Speedway, the local NASCAR track. Unbeknownst to Brad, this place holds special meaning for Emily. He knew that Emily’s fiance died five years ago. What he did not know is that Emily’s fiance, Ricky, had been a NASCAR driver. A crash at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway ended his racing career, so he moved over to the manager’s side. He was killed in a plane crash on his way to a race. Whoever planned this date and included Emily in it is the SPAWN OF SATAN. Of course all of this is very upsetting for Emily who has a giant smile plastered on her face. But Brad says he can tell something is wrong. He pulls her to the side and she explains what’s going on and he says he feels terrible. Emily insists on participating in the date, though. Even though she is crying and appears to be too short to see over the steering wheel, she rides around the track a few times. Later, while everyone’s hanging out by the pool, Brad pulls her aside and expresses concern that he won’t be able fill the stock car-sized hole in her heart. The other girls are PISSED that Emily keeps getting attention. It’s not fair, they say. Be prettier, I say. Later Brad gives Emily a rose and says he doesn’t care who’s mad.

The final date of the night is between our two little Ashleys and one of them is going home. Will it be squeaky nanny Ashley S. Or dancing dentist and resident tweaker Ashley H.? I’m just going to cut through some very boring Cirque du Soleil-involved nonsense and tell you that squeaky little Ashley S. is sent away. She bawls. She squeaks. She sobs while Elvis’s “Lonesome Tonight” plays on and on. It’s a really long scene that keeps cutting back and forth between Brad and Ash dancing in the Cirque performance and other Ashley riding around alone in a limo completely falling apart. It’s just as sad as Emily’s scene earlier.

Later, Brad meets up with “the ladies” for their cocktail party. And because there was very little Michelle this episode, it’s a chance for her to bring the requisite crazy out for a few minutes. She has drawn on her bossy eyebrows tonight and commands Brad not to speak as she kisses him and whispers in his ear like she’s Rasputin and he’s Nicolas II. Brad kicks Marissa and Lisa to the curb. “Who?” you ask. Exactly. In my professional opinion, these two were the last of the dead weight — the women who had no chance of getting a ring but were still being kept around because ABC needs more than five episodes of this show. Coming up in the recap: we’re going to discuss all the horrible, horrible things that happened in this episode in great detail. We’ll speculate some more about Michelle Money’s motivations and future chances at an Academy Award. Plus, girl talk between Brad and his therapist!

Salon Takeover: Medusa

Last night on Tabatha’s Salon Takeover, Miss T finally left the East Coast to seek fame and fortune for bQute Salon in the City of Angels. She will be mentoring/restructuring/burning to the ground the Palmdale, CA salon that aims to be high-end, but has made the painful misstep of being named after a Wet ‘n Wild nail polish shade.

Tabs meets Shannon and Frank, newlyweds and owners of bQute. The salon is Shannon’s dream, Frank stepped in as manager and he is also trying to contribute to the household income by running some side businesses out of the salon — namely, he is a mortgage broker, a travel agent, tax prep and a boutique manager. The salon aspect of the (collective) business is in such chaos that Frank could add “bouncer” to his running list of titles. Adding to the stress, Shannon and Frank are annoyed with each other. They are wasting their honeymoon period battling for their business. Can Tabatha help? Is it even worth the try? Could you even write this shit?

Skins: LadyStardust

You know how they said they were going to branch out on their own after the first episode and not copy the UK version? Yeah. They lied. This week we got a crappy scene-by-scene replica of Chris’s episode.

Chris wakes up one morning to find his mom gone and $1000 on the kitchen table along with a note saying she’ll be back in a few days. Chris, being the fine upstanding citizen that he is, blows all the money on drugs, alcohol, and throwing huge parties at his empty house.

Chris tricks his teacher Tina into coming to the party by telling her that his parents want to discuss his grades. At 11 pm? I doubt he’s having a party in the early evening. He convinces her to stay and dance with him but his boner (don’t ask…) scares her off.

In our subplot, Stanley gets to see Michelle’s boobs. He completely spazzes out as usual. He blabs over and over about to Cadie, who doesn’t care because she is in love with him. Of course Stanley is an idiot and doesn’t get her way-to-obvious advances.

Eventually Chris figures out that his mom cleared out her bedroom – so she’s probably not coming back. Chris is seriously adorable and I feel really bad for him. Poor kid. He’s the only halfway likable one in the whole cast.

Chris ends up getting kicked out of his own house by some random homeless partygoer. Oh, and he’s also naked. There’s a lot of Chris either naked or in his underwear with a boner in this episode, so be forewarned.

Later, Chris and Daisy go to talk to Chris’s dad. We find out that Chris had a brother, Peter, who died. Also, his dad is a huge dick and doesn’t want anything to do with Chris.

Since Chris doesn’t have anywhere else to go, Tina takes him in and lets him stay in her spare room. Ugh. I hate Tina. She has ZERO chemistry with Chris.

Come back for the full recap later in the week!

Pretty Little Liars: VirginiaApple

Hey, did you guys remember that Alison had a brother? Well I didn’t, but apparently she does! He’s back in town from wherever he was- people come and go for lengthy periods of time a lot in this town. Spencer questions him about the photo of Alison from the end of last week’s episode, and he confesses that he spent that whole summer high with a bunch of losers, one of whom was Ian. Then the girls watch him stand creepily in Alison’s window at the end of the episode. I expect more to become of this plot at some point.

Meanwhile, Angstia and Fitzy have a date planned for a fancy art opening in Philly. Since it’s out of town, they can act like a couple and not have to hide. Personally, I feel like there’s always a possibility of running into someone they know, but they don’t seem to consider that. Hanna’s mother is freaking out because the lady whose money she stole is coming in for an appointment that week, but ‘A’ offers Hanna money to give Angstia’s mother a ticket to the same art opening as Angstia and Fitzy. Hanna follows through, but we don’t actually see her get paid. Luckily for the girls, Sketchy New Kid sabotages Angstia’s mother’s car so she never makes it to Philly and doesn’t catch her daughter on a date with her teacher. However, this does somehow lead to Angstia’s separated parents making out.

Emily is still on the swim team, and has shown up with renewed vigor at practice. The coach is impressed, which makes a girl names Paige jealous since she wants to be team captain and thinks Emily is trying to beat her to it. Paige makes a comment about Emily’s sexuality, so Spencer tells the coach. Paige thinks Emily tattled on her, and retaliates by holding Emily’s head underwater! Brilliant plan, the coach will love her after that one.

The episode ends with an interesting reveal about Spencer, but we’ll save that one for the full recap. Come back so we can discuss the details!