About Last Night: Tuesday

Mini caps of Gossip Girl, Salon Takeover, Skins, and Pretty Little Liars

Gossip Girl: SlifeGoesOn

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. So, I kinda don’t know what to say about last night’s episode. It wasn’t bad. But, it wasn’t good, either. If it was bad, I would have atleast have many strong opinions … so, in a way, my feelings of apathy are an even greater insult than disdain and derision? Let’s break it down…

Blair’s been at W mag for a week, and she’s already up for a performance report? Fake. W’s throwing another party, but the venue backed out with only a day’s notice. Fake. Blair enlists Chuck and Nate in her scheme to save the day and get her boss laid … and ends up walking away with her boss’ job?! FAKE!

Upchuck wants to “woo” Raina so her emotions cloud her judgement and prevent her dad from taking over Bass Industries. Typical. Chuck turns to Blair for insider trading when it comes to the complex mind of a woman. Refreshing banter. Chuck feels remorse when Raina finds out and gets her feelings hurt. Business as usual.

Dan gets a rude awakening to find that Ben is his new roomie at the Brooklyn loft. Awkward!! Slutina is willing to sacrifice her shaky friendship with Dan in order to pursue a potential romance with Ben. Rude!! Dan falls for Eric and Damien’s scheme to make Ben look like a violent threat / parole violator. Juicy!! But, then Dan just as quickly strives to play the role of hero and save the day. Typical!!

I did love how Damien dropped Eric like a sack of potatoes once his scheme was complete. And I also enjoyed Nate and Dan’s subsequent act of vengeance. Bro’s before mo’s!! But, where was Lily? Where was Dorota? And I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but where was Manessa?! Stay tuned for the full recap!!

Hawaii Five-0: Dangerously

Last night on Hawaii Five-0, a key witness in a murder investigation against the head of a drug cartel goes missing, and it’s up to our heroes to find her and make sure she is able to testify by 5pm that day or the bad guy walks!! Also, the whole Danno-Rachel storyline rears it’s ugly head.

The episode begins with the witness and her guardian US Marshall talking about how “it’ll all be over soon.” A couple of HPD officers show up to escort them to the courthouse, except when one of them turns around to get something out of the squad car, the marshall notices bullet holes in his uniform!!! He tries to catch them off-guard with a quick draw but he takes a couple bullets in the back. The “cops” head in the house after Julie, the witness, and she runs off into the jungle.

Danno’s wife Rachel and little Grace get carjacked, and the car gets returned so Danno thinks that someone is trying to send step-Stan a message. Rachel gets v mad at him and tells him that Stan wasn’t involved in anything illegal, but when Danno gets them back to the house, it’s been broken into and ransacked and nothing valuable was taken there, either! MYSTERIES!!!!

Jin and McG chase Julie through the Jungle and finally catch up with her. Jin takes her in a hope to get her to the courthouse by 5, while McG runs through the jungle after the “cops.” He gets one with a clever trap, but the other one gets away and follows Jin and Julie! They find a shed in the middle of nowhere with a motorbike! Awesome!

Danno picks up step-Stan from the airport and finds out why everyone seems to be sending him messages, and there’s a crazy chase on the motorbike, but you’ll have to read the recap for the finale!

Tabatha’s Salon Takeover: Medusa

Last night Miss T ventured into uncharted waters by taking over “A Star is Born”, a children’s salon in Mission Viejo, California. Tabatha is not “a kid person”, but surprisingly enough it was the grubby hands of the staff that left Tabatha cringing. Joy owns the salon, and for personal reasons took a step away from the business without designating a new manager for her rag-tag group of stylists. So the gang of middle aged, middle income, middle of the road stylists hiked their mom jeans up to their armpits and settled in to do nothing. Since they’re not high-end, fashion-forward stylists, they resolve to just buzz the little lice infested bastards, collect a paycheck and go back to embarrassing their biological children.

Facing the most apathy she’s encountered this year, Tabatha was at least able to empower owner Joy who was a sniveling mess from the moment Tabatha called in… (http://www.bravotv.com/tabathas-salon-takeover/season-3/gifs/theres-no-cryin-in-hairstylin) Will the rest of the staff rally now that the enforcer’s in the house and their jobs are on the line? Probably not if Kohl’s is hiring… Check back to see if the staff of “A Star is Born” was able to produce as much as a spark of excitement.

Skins: LadyStardust

Basically, this episode was really boring. The whole thing consists of either Cadie at one of her various therapist’s offices, or at a party at Michelle’s house. Here’s a breakdown of the highlights:

-Cadie’s dad is a taxidermist (although I’m not sure if it’s actually his job or just for fun) and her mom is a former pageant queen. The result? A really fucked up child.

-Cadie sees a variety of therapists who all prescribe her a shitload of pills, which she shares with her friends.

-Michelle has a party and her mom gets drunk and tries to hang out with Michelle’s friends.

-Michelle has the same mom as KC from Degrassi.

-Cadie tries to hook up with Michelle’s mom’s boyfriend, but Stanley interrupts them.

-Cadie is still into Stanley, who is totally oblivious.

-Tony is into Tea, even though she’s back to being a lesbian (for now). Oh, and Cadie overhears Tony and Tea talking about what happened between them.

-Stanley masturbates with Michelle’s teddy bear. Yes, really.

-Abbud is still super annoying.

-And there’s some really weird shit about pigeons that I didn’t really understand…Cadie is afraid of them, but we keep seeing flashes of them during the show?? I don’t know.

Come back for the full recap in a few days!

Pretty Little Liars: VirginiaApple

Our girls are split up into pairs this week. Aria finds her mom’s museum ticket in her dad’s jacket pocket and pesters Hanna nonstop about it. This causes them to follow Pops to school and find Aria’s parents making out in the library stacks like a couple of teenagers. Or at least, like a couple of TV characters, because I’ve seen this on countless TV shows, but if it’s a thing in real life I had no idea… probably because I haven’t been inside a library in about a decade. Anyway, this leads to them getting chased by a scary hoodie, which turns out to be hiding none other than sketchy new kid Caleb. Turns out he’s got the ol’ tragic orphan tale going on. Hanna takes pity on him and lets him stay with her (her mom’s not in this episode, so no worries about parental consent), which is convenient because he’s there to comfort her when she’s sad because she told Aria about the back-stabbing from last week and Aria’s pissed.

Emily doesn’t get to do much this week. She’s mostly there for Paige to be all competitive, and then cryptic later on. It’s all better though, after Paige sits out a swim meet where Emily is the hero, and then they make up with a slo-mo swim montage just for fun. Emily also gets to listen to Spencer theorize about Toby, because now that Spencer is also being framed she’s suddenly very sympathetic toward him. She offers to tutor him in French, since he’s on house arrest, and they form an unlikely alliance. He tells her she can’t be his tutor anymore, but gives her a Braille message he found in Jenna’s room when he ends it.

Also, Spencer continues to tell her sister Melissa that Ian is a creep, but Melissa claims that he told her everything and Spencer is just jealous. She mentions the kiss between Ian and Spencer, but it’s unclear what she knows about Ian and Alison, if she knows anything at all. Oh, and Melissa is now ripe with demon spawn, so that should go fabulously. And finally, our allegedly scary cliffhanger of the week is that A is learning French, which is a pretty weak one if you ask me. Come back for a double recap of last week’s episode and this week’s episode!