About Last Night: Tuesday

Mini caps of Gossip Girls, Skins, and Pretty Little Liars

Gossip Girl: SlifeGoesOn

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. Last night’s episode was a fun, taut, twisty labyrinth of Oedipal complexes and parental issues. Everyone seemed to be struggling against their mother or father in some way.

Upchuck took center stage, as he strove to save his father’s company and legacy from the evil clutches of Russell Thorpe. But just as victory seemed within reach, Russell threw him a dangerous curve ball that had Chuck rethinking everything he knew about his own father.

Having reconciled with Lily last week, Slutina found herself trying desperately to save her mom from going to jail after the forged affidavit went missing. Manessa was back in town and wanted nothing more than to tell Slutina the truth about who really attacked Nate’s dad in prison. Meanwhile, Raina refused to believe the truth about her own father when Nate and Upchuck told her about his plans to destroy Lily and Bass Industries.

Ben found himself between a rock and hard place when his mother showed up in town, and he kept his relationship with Slutina a secret from her. Conversely, Dan struggled to come to terms with his burgeoning feelings for Blair, and asked his dad for advice.

In the end, Lily’s maternal instincts (finally) kicked in, and she made the ultimate sacrifice. Guest star Billy Baldwin returned as Slutina’s nefarious father, William Van der Woodsen, and something MAJOR happened between Dan and Blair!! Stay tuned for the full recap!!

Skins: Lady Stardust

Blah blah blah. This episode is more of the same crap. Michelle loves Tony. Tony loves Tea. Abbud also loves Tea. Tea loves no one because she’s a bitch who is sometimes a lesbian.

Michelle’s episode starts off with a bang including a rave (they still have those?) and a gynecologist appointment. At least the girl is smart enough to be on birth control. God forbid idiots like her and Tony procreate.

Michelle finds out from her doctor that she has chlamydia. I’m assuming she’s only sleeping with Tony because she automatically blames him. We know he sleeps with anyone and everyone, so he honestly doesn’t know how to answer when she asks him who the other woman is.

Michelle finds out from Daisy that Tony has slept with like half of Toronto or Baltimore or wherever the fuck this show us supposed to be set at. Michelle is shocked for some reason. I agree with Daisy: How the hell did she not know?

Later on, Michelle knocks over Tea’s bag and finds out that Tea is also taking antibiotics for chlamydia. Oops. So, now not only Michelle knows about Tea fucking around with Tony, but Closet Lesbian also knows that Tea is only a part-time lesbian.

Meanwhile, Cadie is out of the nuthouse and Stan is shocked to find out that she brought some guy back with her. So of course he’s all up for it when Michelle tries to jump his bones later. I’d at least wait until her chlamydia is gone, geez.

In the end, Tony comes over to Michelle’s house with his goddamn smirk and MICHELLE SLEEPS WITH HIM. What the fuck? Afterwards, Michelle takes a page from her mother’s playbook and tells Tony to never come near her again. I guess she’s going to turn into a man-eating whore now. Tony’s such an ass.

Then Michelle runs away to Boston with Closet Lesbian. Yeah, I don’t know either.

Come back in a few days for a full recap!

Pretty Little Liars: VirginiaApple

This week, the show suddenly remembers Spencer has parents! But more importantly, abs for days! Also, the girls get questioned by the cops, who have suddenly decided that Spencer is a suspect. Her parents have reemerged to accuse Spencer of being crazy, although I don’t know how they could possibly know that since they haven’t seen her in weeks/months. I don’t know how time works on this show.

Anyway, Spencer takes refuge in a motel room with Toby, who is hiding out from Jenna until HIS parents return from wherever the fuck parents on this show disappear to whenever the plot requires such things. The ghost of still-living Jenna haunts them from the room next door, which just so happens to be room 214. They investigate to no avail, but it allows them to get closer. After she pulls a Ryan Atwood and wakes up spooning him (anyone else here not at all surprised that Spencer is the big spoon?), he kisses her before she unwittingly heads off to her doom. She gets home and Melissa drops some secrets on her before the cops apparently accuse her of murdering Alison. More on that next week, I suppose.

Meanwhile, Paige has reemerged in order to awkward all over Emily before suddenly doing a 180 and inviting Emily to hang out in remote locations. They get along famously, but Paige is so deep in the closet she can’t even see the door, so Emily informs her that they are friends only (for now, at least). Angstia is increasingly suspicious (and probably a bit jealous) because Fitzy is helping Jenna with a short story. Jenna lurks and creeps as per usual, and Fitzy keeps asking Angstia questions with more and more difficult answers. After a chat with Emily, Angstia decides to come clean to Fitzy. Since we’re apparently still pretending this relationship is perfect, he’s completely understanding of whatever she tells him (we don’t get to watch that part).

And last but not least, our dear Hanna is finally caught by her mother for hiding a refugee in the basement, and responds to this by “camping out” with him, by which I mean cashing in her V card of course. For some reason, this prompts Hanna’s mother to invite Caleb to stay with them for real. He then makes a suspicious phone call because of course he’s not legit. He says he “can’t do this anymore” though, so clearly the Marin women have warmed his cold, dead heart. Also, we learn that A apparently records and watches video of the girls receiving messages from him/her/it/them. Come back soon for the full recap so we can discuss budding relationships with suspicious guys who speak in monotone but look good shirtless, how blind girls get so many sinister things accomplished in one day, and the mystical island these parents hang out on all the damn time.