About Last Night: Tuesday

Mini caps of Dancing With the Stars, The Event, Beverly Hills Fabulous, and Hawaii Five-0

Dancing With the Stars: TheNooch

“You’ve survived the long cold winter. And now you deserve dancing!!” If I had known that winter would be followed by Kirstie Alley in a sparkly top, I would have succumbed to the hypothermia.

With an epileptic-fit-inducing intro, this show has gone from an elegant ballroom affair, to a WWE wrestling match. Looks like WWE star Chris Jericho has been in the editing bay.

In addition to Chris Jericho, or the better half of ‘ Team Chericho’, there are a number of other less than thrilling celebrities this season.

Enter Wendy Williams, the self proclaimed “Queen of All Media,” and larger than life actress Kirstie Alley, once a hot ingénue, now an amorphous blob. Anyone else smell conflict?

According to Tom Bergeron, we have the true Disney ‘princess’, Chelsea Kane, who admits that kissing Joe Jonas ‘didn’t suck’. It blew.

Then we have a series of celebrities who will evoke the most cliché of phrases in reference to their jobs; Ralph Macchio, Sugar Ray Leonard and Hines Ward. Let’s see if any of the judges think that Sugar Ray has “a fighting chance” or if Macchio “waxes off” the competition, or if Hines “fumbles” a dance move. My ears are already bleeding in anticipation of overdone puns.

Never one to miss out on sharing, the picture of class Kendra Wilkinson, shocks the audience with news of her stripper past.

This season is going to be challenging for Lil’ Romeo, or ‘Romeo’ as he prefers to be called. Not only does he have to outshine his dad, Master P from Season 2, but he is also in danger of becoming a tasty treat for Carrie Inaba.

Petra Nemacova has started a sympathy campaign by highlighting the fact that she is a Tsunami survivor. Since there was a Tsunami recently that she was not involved in, it is only right that she should be the winner of Dancing with the Stars; for her bravery.

We know nothing about Mike Catherwood.

The Ev3nt: Dangerously

This week, The Ev3nt was more of a build up episode, if you will. However, we did get a couple of compelling reunions. Allow me to walk you through them.

First off, Sean recruited Vicky to his cause. Of course, they showed that last week, but showed it again this week in case we forgot. He informs Vickie that he’ll make sure everyone knows where her kid and mom live if she doesn’t help out, so she reluctantly agrees.

Darth Hatters trolls back into the White House like he owns the place. Everyone but Weasel and Mr P give him a standing O for being back on his feet. Mr P threatens him, but Darth Hatter has the power of the Dark Side, so he isn’t scared.

Stevie B calls Sophia and MFB about a return message he got from the home world. Apparently it’s troubling, and Stevie arranges a meeting of as many their collective people as possible. Mr P gets wind of this meeting, and decides that it’s the perfect chance to take all their asses down!

Vickie and Sean hatch a plan to get to Darth Hatter and get some info on Darth Flowers. They sneak in to some benefit party that Hatter will be attending, and Vickie sneaks in a nifty plastic gun a la In The Line of Fire, except Vickie is way sexier than whoever that assassin was. They get some info on Flowers, who is apparently in France.

Then, of course, the episode ends with a mega cliffhanger as Mr P’s men surround the church in which the Others are congregated. And then….?!?!?!?

Hawaii Five-0: Dangerously

A murder at a nerd convention and a random CIA agent showing up to poach McG’s investigation into the Yakuza in Hawaii, what’s not to love? Well, sorry to spoil it for you guys, but the McRib is still on ice.

So, as I said, a nerd in a superhero costume is flung from a 10th story balcony to his death, so Five-0 steps in to investigate. Also, a CIA agent shows up in McGs office and threatens to pull rank to get the info he has on the Yakuza in Hawaii. He finally agrees that he’ll provide the info to her that night, and runs off to start looking into the murder of the superhero.

Jin and Boomer are able to ascertain that our dead hero was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, because he was hammered and rode the elevator up too many floors. Anyways, it turns out that the bad guys tossed the place and didn’t steal anything of value, so they determine that there was something specific that the killer was looking for. Through some more excellent detective work, they’re able to tie the dead superhero to a missing-person-turned-murder case, and after a couple twists and turns.

McG also notes that the CIA chick is on leave, and after a little fight, McG agrees to assist her in her vigilante investigation of Wo Fat. He makes plans to meet her at a restaurant, but while he’s waiting, Wo Fat shows up, and not so subtly lets McG know that if he tries any funny business, the CIA chick will eat it. He then pays for McG’s dinner and leaves. I love the debonair villain!

Beverly Hills Fabulous: NinjaStarr

The latest installment in VH1′s cesspool of reality shows is “Beverly Hills Fabulous,” a sad, but funny, look at the attitudes, diva stunts, and chaos that occur every day in an upscale black hair salon.

In last night’s episode, the flamboyant owner of the Elgin Charles Salon is working with over the top consultants to plan the launch of his new product line. Elgin’s lead stylist and lead asshole, Sean, puts his stalkerish bipolar assistant Syreeta through boot camp. Lolita slaps down an offer from a married bus driver who pours out his heart and toxic breath in the middle of the salon floor.

I watched the entire mess go down with one question on my mind. Does having a Rodeo Drive address and being the ex-husband (or wife, depending on which way you think Elgin swings) of a retired “D” list actress (Jackee Harry) qualify your business as upscale? I guess so because the appearance and demeanor of these wannabee divas scream “low rent” to me.