About Last Night: Wednesday

Mini caps of Pretty Little Liars, Flipping Out, The Rachel Zoe Project, MasterChef, Rescue Me, and Teen Mom

Pretty Little Liars: SlifeGoesOn

Well, well, well, my pretty little gasmii! We finally made it to the much anticipated “summer finale” of ABC Family’s Pretty Little Liars. When it came to answering our burning questions, you kinda had to know that there was no chance in hell that they would reveal who “A” / Alison’s killer is. But as far as cliffhangers go, we got a couple of wicked doosies!

Lezzy was thrilled to finally welcome her dad home from war in Afghanistan, and she was SO close to coming out to him! But her mom was less than thrilled with Maya hanging out around the house. Perhaps the chilly reception had something to do with a certain photo booth pic that “A” sent to her!!

“A” also taunted Buggy with one of Fitzy’s poems, forcing Fuggy’s romantic tension out into the open … and right in Noel’s face! Meanwhile, Schnoz tried to repair her relationship with her snatchy older sister, Melissaraptor, after a flashback revealed that Alison caught Schnoz smooching Ian! How many men has she stolen from her sister?!

The FBI got involved with Alison’s murder (ludicrous!!) after “A” sent them a video of Alison from the night she was killed. Toby became the official prime suspect, and he tried to come clean to Lezzy about his relationship with Alison before skipping town, but the cops arrested him instead!

“A” started a nasty little rumor about Blondie which got her un-invited to Mona’s birthday camping trip. Excuse me, “glamping” trip. (A midget running the mini bar was the episode’s finest moment!) Schnoz and Lezzy made a shocking discovery about Alison’s rumored older boyfriend, and Blondie caught an eyeful of Fuggy! Blondie also discovered the true identity of “A” (I’m not quite sure HOW?!) and was just about to tell the girls when …

Sorry for the cliffhanger, but the episode inspired me to keep you all on the edge of your seats for the full recap! Stay tuned!!

Flipping Out: Saint Claire of Assisi

Hell yeah he’s back. And shit is different.

First, Jeff’s new website has exploded, so now he’s juggling…hang on, let me count…eight different projects. None of them are property flipping, but they still look pretty freaking awesome…one of them involves Jeff being flown to Fresno on a PRIVATE JET to oversee an estate renovation, another involves consultations in New York City, where he’s also being flown monthly. Even without those two projects you’d still have a season’s worth of material–he’s renovating is first ever restaurant, which could be a career-changer; he feels bad for a woman whose previous designer fleeced her, so he’s helping her out; and he matches wits with a pair of detail-oriented lesbians he thinks are “over-designing” their home. “You never want to push a lesbian too far,” Jeff says. “You gotta know boundaries.”

But, clearly eight is way too many projects for anyone to handle, though, let alone Jeff Lewis. He puts it into perspective: “You want to make every client feel not only special, but like they’re your only client.” With all the new business Jeff is worried about losing direction, so…even though he’s got more business than ever, he’s decided he needs to fire someone. Will it be Sarah, who’s kinda ditzy but still a family member by marriage? Will it be Trace, who’s great, but splitting time between school and work? Could it possibly be Jenni? Is this new boyfriend taking her out of the loop? How about Zoila? All of her minor household infractions seem to be adding up. Or maybe it’s Jett. That one would be tough. Jeff trusts Jett to be his house assistant–it’s a big deal for Jeff to let someone get that personal with him.

But don’t worry, Jeff still displays his complete disregard for everyone else’s boundaries. When he learns Jenni is finally seeing a new guy, he immediately starts in on their sex life by asking her which of her body parts is this guy’s favorite; he hounds Zoila when she asks for an hour to run an errand she won’t go into detail about, and finally browbeats her into admitting she’s getting a Brazilian waxing; oh, and at one of the houses Jenni goes to use an unfinished bathroom that’s only got a curtain for a door. For a practical joke, does Jeff pull back the curtain right when she’s doing her business, right in front of clients they don’t know that well? Yes, friends. Yes, he does.

MasterChef: Dangerously

Last night on MasterChef we finally got to the meat and potatoes of the show. Finally, done are the American Idol-esque first round auditions. Our contestants are brought into a massive warehouse. In this warehouse, there are 30 knives. This has the feel of Battle Royale, but sadly…this is not “kill or be killed.” Our contestants are being judged on chopping onions. They’re lined up along a table, elbow-to-elbow. The good news is, the tears are definitely going to be flowing, if for no other reason because there are chopped onions everywhere. 4 people cut themselves immediately. Funny enough, in the onion phase, six people get canned, and 3-fingered Darryl gets through.

Test 2 in round 2 is the egg challenge. They have to cook one egg over the course of 30 minutes. They get a buffet of ingredients to add, but the egg has to be the “star” of the dish. We get judgement in rows of 3. Teddy Graham gets in his one “SIKE!” of the evening, but you’ll have to wait for the recap for that! We learn that Gordie doesn’t like lumpy potatoes, and that he also likes to lecture David. I get the feeling David isn’t going home anytime soon.

And then there were fourteen…see you in a couple days for the full recap!

Teen Mom: Nerdia

This episode of Teen Mom, poorly titled “Spring Break”, was chalk full of awkward moments, from Farrah’s face-to-face meeting with her mom to Gary’s painful proposal to Amber. Come on Amber, give the guy a break. He got down on one knee, quite a feat for someone of his size!

Tons of Fun and Amber head to Florida, Amber’s home state, for their first family vacation. They need to get away! Working part-time at a tanning salon and not at all is incredibly draining. However, the trip is economical. They will stay with Amber’s uncle and will only need $300 for gas and a “cooler for Lunchables”…uh yeah. The couple gets some much needed one-on-one time and Gary pops the question!

Carrots (Maci) decides Bentley no longer needs his pacifier and attempts to wean him. Meanwhile, she pines for Butter Face (Kyle) and tells Ryhan she wants to meet his ho-bag girlfriend.

Catelynn and Tyler’s relationship is floundering. Tyler displays the emotional maturity of a neglected, middle-aged housewife, stating to Catelynn “we need to see a counselor” all while maintaining the delicate balance of his Bill Cosby meets Eminem inspired wardrobe. Tyler decides the only way he’ll ever trust Catelynn again is if he can see her phone records (bad idea). He wants to be sure she wasn’t talking to her ex in Florida (Florida is pretty much living up to its reputation as the “Wang of America” in this episode).

It’s the same old shit with Farrah. She is angry, sad, and as dumb as ever. Her mom has accepted a plea bargain, but the relationship is far from mended. She finally gets a night out with a girlfriend, they sip a fruity, virgin cocktail (we see the irony) and she breaks down about the loss of her baby daddy.

Rescue Me: Saint Claire of Assisi

I’ll say right off the bat, if you’re a lapsed Rescue Me fan and only cherry pick the worthwhile new episodes to watch, you should check this one out. I really, really dug it. Or, at least the A-story. And that’s good enough for me.

After trying to drown the alcoholism out of Colleen last week, Tommy finds himself in county lockup. The ghosts of Jimmy and Connor show up, and Tommy feels so guilty about the way he abused them both last time, and for all the horrible things he’s done with his life, they don’t have to say anything. So he decides to set things straight. The charges have been dropped, so he heads over to Janet’s to determine whether Colleen is cured of her addiction…and she is! She can’t stand the smell of booze without puking! And even better, Janet is receptive to his dinner offer. Tommy sets up a nice evening for them, including a too-classy Italian restaurant, Tony Bennett tickets, and probably sex. Things take a wrong turn when Tommy starts behaving like an ass to the waiter before they even make their drink order. All the old resentments boil up to the surface, going all the way back to 9/11, and it looks like they’re either going to start smashing the place up or storm out for some incredibly hot hate sex. But a different waiter flags them down as they’re heading out the door. His name is Joey. He grew up with Connor, and now he’s seventeen. The sight of him leaves Tommy and Janet speechless. They imagine what Connor would be like if he were still alive, and their shared pain from the death of their son is enough to bring them back together. At least for one night.

Meanwhile that let’s-save-the-firehouse non-story comes to a head when the FDNY closes down 62 Truck before they can hold the cookout. (Because of Tommy’s arrest!) The community Rescue Me has never bothered mentioning until now rallies in support of 62 Truck, and in no time a full-on protest is raging. So it looks like the guys are going to have to wait and see how things play out. But then they learn a nearby school is on fire and nobody can respond because the FDNY has closed down too many firehouses. The guys pile into their cars, speed over to the school, and without any equipment rush in and save the kids vigilante-style. And Needles makes sure to have it videotaped for PR purposes. So I guess the story of 62 Truck’s downfall and redemption only needed one episode. But who knows?

Other sub-plots include: Black Shawn and Franco making amends–Franco for pursuing Janet and Shawn for punching out Franco for it. And it looks like Peter Gallagher…doesn’t take the vow of chastity all that seriously, because the moment he first lays eyes on Sheila, he has her in his sights. He knows a collar chaser when he sees one.

The Rachel Zoe Project: LaPetite Chanteuse

Last night on The Rachel Zoe Project…nothing happened. LaPetiteChanteuse, you must be saying, surely something happened. Um, no. Not really. Rachel dresses 4 women for the Golden Globes. Apparently none of them wanted to appear on the show because we don’t see any of them getting dressed. Instead we get Molly Sims coming in for a super quick fitting. Not to hate on Molly Sims but if she’s the only person you’ve got, make her the focus of the episode. Don’t keep discussing phantom actresses who never make an appearance.

Join me as I marvel over the incredible lifelessness of everyone’s hair, the momentary theft of a Blanche Devereaux bathrobe, make mental notes to remember the names of Husband and Unnamed Assistant, get completely fed up with the lack of action, and try and cobble together some jokes and assorted pictures into a recap.

In this recap…I throw in all the pictures I could get from this episode, plus other Golden Globe dresses (not chosen by Rachel), as well as some examples of classic couture and more references to musicals.