About Last Night: V and Biggest Loser

Mini caps of V and Biggest Loser

This didn’t happen this week, but I can’t get it out of my head.

V: Saint Claire of Assisi

Hoo boy. This episode already has about three times too much plot, so imagine how compressed it’s gonna be here. I’ll do my best to make sense of it.

We start out with Erica and Malik back at the scene of the accident. Erica manages to free herself from her seat belt, only to find that Malik’s already loose, and a lady fight ensues. Malik doles out more damage than pretty much any human could withstand, but one good shot from Erica is enough to knock Malik out cold. Then Hobbes and Jack arrive, and rather than kill Malik, Erica decides to capture her to see what she knows. As the guys hustle Malik back to the Fifth Column hideout, Erica hangs around the scene of the accident until her FBI colleagues arrive, then uses the Fifth Column as a cover for what really caused the wreckage.

Soon Anna learns of Malik’s Fifth Column-related disappearance, so she dispatches a team of Trackers to head down to Earth and get rid of any evidence Malik was a V. And since she knows the Fifth Column is somehow involved, now’s the time for her to use Ryan to find out what’s going on inside the FC.

Back on Earth, the FC’s new scientist Sidney Miller shows Erica what he’s learned about Tyler’s DNA. It’s pretty shocking: Tyler only has half the DNA of a normal human. Why? SO THE V’S CAN FILL IN THE OTHER HALF WITH WHATEVER! I know, right? Crazy. I have no idea how Tyler could survive with only half a human’s DNA, but as Sid points out, the V’s can build space ships too, so they can do pretty much anything they want in regards to science. Erica takes this information to the FC hideout, where the guys have strung Malik up by her wrists. Erica wants to torture Malik to find out what the V’s are doing with Tyler’s DNA, but Ryan shows up at this point and offers two useful pieces of advice—one, that Malik’s Sleeper mission probably had nothing to do with the Tyler-DNA program, and two, on how to properly torture a V by skinning them alive. With that, Ryan and Erica head over to Malik’s apartment to find out what she was really up to—after Ryan chops off one of Malik’s fingers to use for her fingerprint scanner, btw—and once there, discover a mysterious cache of dossiers for random humans. Who are these people, and what happened to them?

Back at the hideout, they realize all these people have gone off the grid, and they speculate this is due to V abduction. On that note, the show cuts to a scene with a teenage girl walking down a vacant alley, when a sketchy man with a van reading “Midnight Samaritan” injects her with some knock-out drugs and throws her in the back, along with about twenty other people. And the guy helpfully blinks his alien-eyelids, so we know he’s a V and part of this whole conspiracy. Somehow the just-now-abducted girl, whose name is Sophie, shows up on missing person reports, so Ryan and Erica set out to find her. They visit the girl’s mother Betty, but Betty has no idea where Sophie’s is, so Erica and Ryan decide to just give up, head on back to the FC hideout, and torture it out of Malik. Hobbes gets down to some skinning, and soon enough, Malik cracks.

Malik tells them about the Midnight Samaritan van. It’s based in New Jersey. She knows they’ve been abducting humans, but doesn’t really know why. And she has no idea why her people have been messing with Tyler’s DNA. And now that Malik’s outlived her usefulness, Hobbes gleefully murders her. Erica, Ryan, and Hobbes all head out to New Jersey next, where they find the Van Guy dragging Sophie through the woods. They give chase. The guy drops Sophie and takes his suicide pill. Hobbes and Erica continue on into the woods, where they find a couple more V’s unloading the last of the humans onto a shuttle to take them back up to the mothership. They’re too late to stop it.

Sophie’s been drugged to forget everything that happened to her, so all Erica and Ryan can do is take her back to Betty and orchestrate a tearful reunion. So many questions linger. But as Erica heads back home, Ryan has one more task: telling Anna about the Fifth Column. He goes up to the mothership, and just as he’s about to do just that, the episode ends.

Whoa, I still have two more storylines to cover, so I’ll be quick…Anna’s continuing to groom Lisa to take over as Queen V Brood Mother, so now Lisa’s body is undergoing weird scaly changes that’re basically the V equivalent of getting your period. Anna also continues forward with her plan to eradicate the human soul, and here, the mysterious needle bed comes in. Turns out it’s designed to extract the soul from the human body. How does it do that? By systematically removing everything ELSE from a human body first, like skin and muscles and bones, so that whatever’s left must be the soul. Makes total sense, right? Anyway, it kills the test subject in the process, and we learn all those people who’ve been abducted are actually human guinea pigs for this project. As a test to see if Lisa might have any compassion, Anna makes Lisa perform the first Soul Extraction. Lisa does, but she’s Sad.

And finally, Tyler is still spooked about all the bombings and danger his Mom is in, so he tells Anna to watch out for Father Jack—but not because Jack is Fifth Column, just because of his anti-V sermons. So even though Jack could reasonably be considered a fringe loon to most outside observers, Anna still decides to discredit him. Basically her plan boils down to: have Jack give a sermon; send in a V to break it up and start punching people; film footage of Jack breaking up the fight; edit that footage together with an earlier interview where Jack said he’s a nonviolent person; air the edited video and go, “SEE?!?!??” And I guess it completely works and the world sees Jack as violent. Or not. The show doesn’t really have time to go into it.
Know what? Just come back Friday for the whole recap. Maybe I’ll have made sense of things by then.

Biggest Loser: Bluzgirl

FINALLY! The mystery trainers are revealed. They are Cara Castronuova, a 2 time Gold Glove boxer and some guy named Brett Hoebel. Well, we can certainly see now how important this information was to keep shrouded in mystery. Wikileaks would have been all over that shit. Anyway, since we didn’t really don’t care about them, let’s move on. We see more of Team Genius and I take an instant dislike to Justin, who seems to yell at everyone. The challenge between the two teams is pretty lame, but it does lead to a nice segment with hottie Curtis Stone, so that’s kind of worth the price of admission. The challenge within Team Ranch’s team is also very boring as the group decided the outcome before it was over, so it was kind of like 10 minutes of our lives we’ll never get back.

And then…it gets interesting. Bob and Jillian get on their high horses about everybody needing to stay there—apparently ignoring the fact the show must end at some point and the only way to effectively accomplish that is to, oh I don’t know…SEND PEOPLE HOME OCCASIONALLY…So, at the weigh in, there are some good successes, some disappointments and one of the most obvious “throws” of a weigh in I’ve ever seen. It is hilariously overdone, but so worth it to see how angry B and J get. More details to come…