About Last Night: Wednesday

Mini caps of Rescue Me, Rachel Zoe, MasterChef, and Pretty Little Liars

What’s the answer?
B.
Are you lying right now?
No.
Yes you are. You’re very pretty.
You are.
Are you lying again?

Rescue Me: Saint Claire of Assisi
After last week’s ordeal with Colleen, Tommy’s just starting to reestablish some stability in his life when he and the crew respond to a car accident that killed a young woman. There wasn’t anything they could have done to save her, but still, she reminds Tommy of Colleen so much that he finds himself unable to continue the work. He goes back to Peter Gallagher for advice, and here’s what Peter Gallagher thinks: even though Tommy behaves poorly and projects a devil-may-care attitude, he’s actually got a very delicate value system–he can booze and screw and act out all he wants, but as long as he does good deeds by saving people from fires, it all evens out. So when someone dies, like that young woman did, the system breaks down, and Tommy becomes unhinged. To Peter Gallagher, over-reliance on a belief system makes you a coward–you cling to your preconceptions about life and retreat when they don’t wind up happening. Tommy seems to take it to heart.

But Colleen is totally unaffected by the ordeal. She is continuing with her heavy drinking ways and spurning anyone’s offers for help. Finally Tommy drags her over to the church for her own visit with Peter Gallagher, but even he can’t save her. So Tommy plays his last card…a re-baptism? Sure, why not! He handcuffs her to the altar, fills the baptismal font with four or five different kinds of booze, and then dunks her face in enough times to basically waterboard her into agreeing to stop drinking. She passes out. The cops arrive. Tommy goes to jail. See ya next week!

They had a little time left over for the other storylines. Garrity and Mike go to the ballet with Mahoney, the cancer-stricken firefighter. Seeing all the ballerinas he used to lust over before the chemo-impotency set in unleashes Mahoney’s anguish over his upcoming death. Other storylines that get a passing mention: Damien’s making progress with Penny, the hot firefighter from the rival house; Franco might really be into Janet, even though he’s denied it; and when the West Side Wild Men heard Lou’s out of the hospital, they postponed their cookout. Remember this is after they moved it up because Lou was out of commission so……I’m guessing the writers are just going to keep dicking us around with it until some huge disaster happens and everyone forgets it even existed. As it should be.

MasterChef: Dangerously

Last night on Master Chef…It was round two of round one. Still with me? Great. So we start with another too-long intro recapping what you and I all watched last week. At least this time once the show started, it STARTED. Teddy Graham starts off by being one of two no votes, but he loved the dish! So WTF?!? Gordie tells Teddy that he’s disappointed, and to go apologize and make it right. After suffering this embarrassment, TG must’ve vowed internally to never make a tentative decision again. He holds to this theme for the rest of the show. We get close call after close call, and Bastage sits on his evil villain throne casting deciding vote after deciding vote for the first half of the show, before handing the scepter to Gordie to bring us the rest of the way home.

They were giving out aprons like crazy early on and I was really just waiting for them to run out of aprons before they ran out of contestants. Damn you editors!!! I’ve learned a few things about the judges. Gordie honestly wants everyone to go through, and takes bad food personally. Bastage can’t taste any of the food without staring the poor contestants down whilst chewing. And Teddy doesn’t like salad LOL!

The guy from the ads and the “next on”s with only 3 fingers on each hand finally comes on. He cooks ribs with a pressure cooker in an hour! Agh, idiotic! But maybe it works! We learn Bastage eats his ribs with a forkin’ FORK! VILLAIN!!! And he doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with throwing an apron to a guy with only 60% of his fingers!!!

I’m out of both space and time, so let’s discuss the events further in this week’s recap!

Pretty Little Liars: SlifeGoesOn

While Rosewood was ravaged by intense weather, our pretty little liars were put to the test, literally, as they waited out the storm during the SAT’s at school. It was a finely tawt episode (pun intended) full of romance and intrigue!

Lezzy was noticeably absent from the girls’ SAT study session at Schnoz’s house because she too busy running through the rain, getting caked in mud, and hiding her purse under her bed! At school, “A” taunted her with a passionate letter she had written to Alison before she died. And when Officer Wilden got hold of her purse, he found something that led him to suspect that she was the culprit who trashed Alison’s memorial!

Schnoz was elated to officially call Alex her boyfriend, but she feared what her snooty mother would think of her blue collar beau. Alex received a chilly reception from Mrs. Hastings when they bumped into each other at school, and Schnoz feared the worst. But she couldn’t imagine the awful truth that would surface!

Buggy’s estranged mom turned up at the school as a substitute proctor, (awkward!)while her dad turned up at Blondie’s mom’s house, asking to use her fax. When the power went out, he turned on the charm, and the two started to grow close!

Lucas started to have real feelings for Blondie, but she didn’t see him as anything more than a friend. Meanwhile, Buggy started to see guitar-playing rich boy Noel as more than a friend. But just as they were about to get to first base, Fitzy slid into home, turning Buggy’s world upside-down again!

The Rachel Zoe Project: LaPetit Chanteuse

Last night on The Rachel Zoe Project, whiny, disrespectful, disobedient, unprofessional (really, why did they even hire her?) assistant Taylor was fired (offscreen). The show played out like Shakespeare drama…light. All of the pretty clothes, none of the substance. Sort of like Caffeine Free Diet Coke. Looks the same, tastes just as terrible, but does nothing to keep you awake during all night cram sessions. What is the point?

Lots of things seem to happen during the episode. Rachel and her husband discuss Taylor’s dismissal and he lays down the law. But we don’t see it. They interview assistants. But no one is hired. Other assistant Brad thought Taylor being fired meant he was promoted in status and the show built up the idea that he would be taking over a major client of Taylor’s (hint: G.I. Jane, mrskutcher on twitter). Not actually willing to let Brad screw it up, Rachel pretty much took over the show. There were crazy shoes and wild animals and…nothing truly eventful in the end. But, oh, the clothes were so pretty!

Join me, will you, as I try to recap an episode with no discernable connecting thread…aside from the pretty clothes, that is? There will be pictures (the desperate recapper cajoled in a sing-song voice).