About Last Night: Wednesday

Mini caps of the Teen Mom opener, the Millionaire Matchmaker closer, and a V Mom special. Oh, and lots of fatness.

Teen Mom: Alejandra

It’s time for Teen Mom!!! Yay – it’s like the holiday season was extended another month just for us! And man, is this season shaping up to be a treeeat. It’s got custody battles, mother/daughter domestic violence and West Virginia. Two out of those three belong to Jenelle, by the way. Anyone surprised? Anyway, here’s a snippet of what’s up before the full recap on Friday:

In West Virginia, Leah’s still whining, rightfully so, about how she fucked things up with Corey, her standup baby daddy. Corey is very, VERY effectively playing hard-to-get. He doesn’t want to talk to her, and ditches her on her high school graduation. She invites him over to dinner on what would be their one year anniversary, and begs him to take her back. They both end up crying and fuck it, so did I. Coreleah4L1FE!!!!

In South Dakota (Vermillion to be exact – my mother’s hometown. Hollah…), Chelsea’s what’s called a Spoiled Only Child Teen Mom, as she moves from her father’s mansion to a house she can share with a friend of hers – rent free. That’s right, daddy’s paying as long as she keeps up with her GED. You can guess how well that goes. Four words: “Let’s go shopping instead.” Must be nice.

Kailyn’s still a friggin’ martyr heading straight for sainthood. Jo’s a total dick to her and then ends their relationship, expecting that she find a new place to live right quick. Kailyn’s mom listens sadly to her plight and… that is all. Thankfully, Janet steps up because she’s taken human being lessons, and offers to let Kailyn live in the basement. Which is great, in that it prevents Kailyn from being a Homeless Teen Mom, but bad in that it’s, you know, incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. Kailyn continues to remain hardworking and sweet through it all, though. And that’s why I love her.

And finally, Jenelle. I don’t want to sully the awesomeness of her story by trying to fit all the white trash into a few unworthy sentences, but I will say that cops, a lawsuit and mechanical bulls await the patient reader… Barbara/Jenelle shippers will be sorely disappointed in the outcome of this week’s story.

To sum things up, at the end of this episode, everyone’s fucking miserable but the babies. Sounds about right.

V: Saint Claire of Assisi

The second episode of the second season of ABC’s V can pretty much be summed up thusly:

ANNA: Yes. Yes. The human soul. That is the key to human emotion. I must locate and destroy it!

ANNA’S MOTHER: Um…I’m not sure you understand the concept of a soul…it doesn’t physically exist, so I’m not sure how you would—

ANNA: [slap!] You dare defy me?!

Yes. Anna declares war on the human soul, but literally, as in, she wants her doctors to actually find it, and so on. As best I can put together, the reason why is kinda complicated. Remember how Anna’s been researching how to breed humans and V’s together? Well, if this plan works, the human-V offspring would likely have emotions. This is bad for Anna, because she relies on her people’s lack of emotion to control them via her Bliss. So: the soul must be destroyed.

And why does she give a shit about breeding humans and V’s together? Well basically….I think…Anna’s infertile and needs to add humans to add to the gene pool. I don’t know how this is possible since Anna just gave birth to 10,000 soldier eggs recently. Something science-y happened, probably. Also, it’s up to Lisa to keep the species going, which is why she’s been boning Tyler so much.

But I really have no idea. I also have no idea how human mammals could ever breed with space reptiles. I paid attention in freshman bio. Lizards and mammals CANNOT BREED! How would it even work?!

Anyway…plenty of other activities are afoot this week. A new anti-V terror movement emerges when an everyday librarian turns into a suicide and blows up a V healing center, killing humans and V’s alike. These new cats claim to be part of the Fifth Column, which we know is bullshit because the FC wouldn’t kill innocent civilians. The FC decides to try to recruit these new anti-V’s anyway, so Erica and Hobbes set out to discover who’s behind it all. But the FBI wants that information too, so Erica finds herself playing both sides.

Eventually Erica and Hobbes discover an Israeli ex-Mossad guy named Eli Cohn is somehow involved, but as they prepare to collar him, Erica’s FBI partner and V double- agent Malik steps into the investigation. Erica and Malik have long been suspicious of each other, and now, it boils over. They finally confront each other as Erica drives them to Ossining to follow up on a lead. The car flips over, knocking Erica unconscious but not Malik. Erica is in peril!

More shit goes on with Ryan’s human-V lizard baby…Anna has molded human skin onto it, (they have a spray can for that), and using a series of holographic images of the baby in torment, gets Ryan to crack. He vows to do whatever she wants, even if it means undermining the Fifth Column. He just wants his kids back!

And finally, several other storylines move incrementally forward : Erica gets closer to determining whether the V’s experimented on her when she was pregnant with Tyler; Anna gets closer to recovering Joshua’s memories of the soldier-egg bombing, which could blow Erica’s cover; Chad Decker realizes that he was the librarian bomber’s true target, and it would have been awesome if the bomber had succeeded, because I hate Chad; and finally, Anna swallows an enormous rat whole and regurgitates it for Ryan’s baby.

It was a busy week with much too much story. I’ll have all of it in detail on Friday, plus more technology to add to the V-cyclopedia.

Millionaire Matchmaker: SexyPanda

It was the season finale last night, peeps, and no one could be more glad that we’re done than I am. Well, it seems like Patti’s pretty glad to be getting out of NYC, but more of that another time.

Our millionaires this week were both familiar to me. Freddie Mitchell used to play for the Eagles, my home team, and I remember there were some funny stories about him at the time. Can I remember those funny stories now? Nope. But I have a soft spot in my heart for him. Despite painting him to be a blowjob-obsessed asshole in the commercials, he actually came across as a good guy last night.

Our other millionaire should be familiar to ALL of you, as it was Crazy Stacy from about two months ago. The one that went to Barbados with Kevin and had a terrible time? The ADHD one who sucks? Yeah, her. She still sucks. It’s the same thing, only a little more focused on the narcissism this time.

Come back! Get the last bit of the show out of your system with me!

Biggest Loser: Bluzgirl

Okay, Biggest Loser tends to run about a million weeks per season anyway and last night’s curve ball was to offer the team who didn’t select 4 weeks of immunity for going with trainers other than Bob and Jillian also had a chance to win immunity.  Sigh.  Well, we know the unknowns or the outcasts or my favorite term for them: Geniuses, kicked butt over the team on the ranch last week in their total percentage of weight loss.  So, the entire two hours last night including a ridiculously bad challenge put on by Team Ranch was about the underdog.  After week two, BL is trying to cram down our throats the team on the ranch are huge underdogs.  Team Genius apparently have access to a doughnut shop and video equipment too—both used to tease and mock Team Ranch, but as in any good Rocky story, guess what effect it had?  That’s right!  All that did was incite Team Ranch.  And then gee whiz, who do you think did the best on the scale last night?  Yep—Team Ranch.

We saw more of Team Genius and where they are “hidden away” and there was a ridiculous scene with Arthur, a smashed box of doughnuts and a dumpster (which sounds like a new series coming next year from the BBC).  We also get some time with Doc Hollywood who is back to make everyone feel even worse.  Despite the enormous amount of wasted time this week was, with no one going home, there is plenty to discuss.  Or in TVGasm speak:  There is plenty on which to make fun.  I’ll be back with the details…