About Last Night: Wednesday

Mini caps of RHOBH, Biggest Loser, Teen Mom, and V

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Flipit

I figured I was done with this season of BH. A lost footage episode? Fun but no thanks recap-wise. An extended cut of the dinner party from hell? Meh. I’ve already seen the dinner party and they’ve talked it to death so what more could they possibly have to show? Let me be the first to say that I am a dumbass and I am DEFINITELY not done with that shiz.

One thing you should never do if you get cast on one of Miss Bobblehead Andy’s shows? Blame your shitty personality on editing. He’ll personally go back into the editing bay and make your ass look even worse. Not his biggest fan, but I can never completely hate on him because he spins gold like last night’s episode. I laughed so hard watching it that I cried. From Lisa slumped drunk in the limo slurring “let’s see it again, then” re: Camille’s porno pics on Faye’s blackberry to Kim’s impersonation of Medium to Taylor getting busted about her lying. It was an amazing episode, and it made me hungry for more of these nutcases next season.

I wasn’t planning on recapping that episode so there is no morning after cappy for you, but I will be spending the day writing it up so check back tonight for all the screaming goodness. In the meantime, I will be doing B-Side’s Housewife Hoedown podcast today and you can call in live at 424-238-0611. The show is at 12:30 Pacific time, and if you wanna watch live check it out here. xo
Biggest Loser: Bluzgirl

Biggest Loser last night involved one of the lamest prizes EVER on this show and that is saying a damn lot. The losing team (Bob and Jill’s team) had no access to the gym. Oh, my. The Red team was the only team to use it. Now, why didn’t Bob and Jill just head to Fitness Ridge with their team? That worked out well in the beginning for the unknowns. Why didn’t they? They are cheap asses and Fitness Ridge costs a lot. So, besides the whole gym thing, we had Arthur trying to chase a train and getting ganged up on by his team, Cara trying to be Dr. Jill with Rulon, who unfortunately for her and the disinterested audience doesn’t have a tragic past! He’s just a big ol’ boy with taxicab ears. Justin continues to be a prick but gets Jennifer in his bedroom (don’t ask…no really, I’ll tell you in the recap) and Home Perm Jr. talks too much.

Arthur pulled it out at the final weigh in, finally pulling a double digit number (dude, it’s week 7—what was your rush??) and winning it for the team who hates him. So, he’s safe for now. The Red team has to send someone home and predictably and boringly, it will have to be Jay and Jennifer, who are not part of their clique. And even more boringly and predictably, Jay begs the group to send him home and save Jennifer. The group acquiesces and Jay goes home. To lose not much more. Seriously, worst “success” yet. Although it was a lackluster show, there are some highlights, so join me for the recap…

Teen Mom: Alejandra

Everything is boring this week but Chelsea, Adam and Megan, but that is just fine because someone finally yells at Chelsea making everything else worth it.

Kailyn decides she wants to be on her own, so she breaks up with Jo. But, she can’t afford to live on her own, so when both kids are invited back to live with the Rivera’s, they go. So basically, we’re back to Square One.

Jenelle’s storyline is all kinds of deja vu – she gets kicked out, she goes to live with Amber, she misses Jace and starts being nicer to her mom. But this time being nice to Barbara only gets her invited to Jace’s 1st birthday party. She feels totally left out – it’s pretty sad actually. And yeah, Barbara’s still a bitch.

Leah and Corey ARE SO CUTE THIS EPISODE THAT THAT IS ALL I CAN PHYSICALLY TYPE.

And finally, the love triangle we’ve all been waiting for – Chelsea, Megan and Adam. I can’t say too much because I don’t want to ruin it, but remember the other Adam from “16 and Pregnant”? Well, he’s back. But he’s aiming his abuse at Megan instead of Chelsea. Guess who she picks!!! That kid is such a prick. I want to kick his ass myself.

V: Saint Claire of Assisi

Hoo boy, did they go off the deep end this week. Let me see if I can even explain this in a way that makes sense, because I still have no idea what the fuck that just was…

We start out as everyone deals with the fallout of last week’s near-assasination of Marcus. Erica apparently did have to deal with a shitstorm over it at work, though we never see this, because we only hear about it as she tells her Fifth Column allies. It seems to have had virtually no effect on anything whatsoever, so it looks like things are normal here on V. Erica and her Fifth Column allies are otherwise focused on finding Morris Chestnut. They know he dicked them over and tipped Anna off about the assassination attempt. Erica assigns Hobbes to the task, while she heads home to…hang out with her family.

Anna, meanwhile, has become obsessed with hunting down and killing those responsible for Marcus’s condition. She has her sights set on Eli Cohn, so she dispatches Morris Chestnut to do the deed. He makes his way to Cohn’s secret hideout and is promptly captured. Cohn calls Erica to give her the news, and she heads right over, leaving Tyler and Joe to watch stock footage of a football game because ABC doesn’t have broadcast rights to NFL games, and I guess didn’t want to use any college football tape even though they could and it would be way less distracting.

I’m getting off track, sorry. The V’s, who had been tailing Morris Chestnut to make sure he really would kill Cohn, discover MC has been kidnapped. Anna refuses to give up on killing Cohn and makes a bold move—she has Thomas call in an anonymous tip to the FBI, telling them where Cohn’s headquarters is, as she figures the FBI will take care of Cohn for her. When Kendrick and Bolling get the anonymous tip, they quickly mobilize their forces and head for Cohn, deciding not to tell Erica, because they’re still suspicious that she’s working for the Fifth Column.

Obviously this presents a problem, because Erica shows up at Cohn’s to see Morris Chestnut right before the FBI does, and she’s trapped inside. It looks like Erica’s pretty screwed, and in real life she would be, but this is V, so she’s able to make up an insane plan that will seem totally plausible to her FBI colleagues outside—Erica will have Cohn pretend he took her hostage, thus giving Erica a reason to be inside his building, and Cohn more time to figure out a way to escape. Nobody at the FBI questions this, not even once.

The news that Erica is Cohn’s hostage gets relayed back to Anna, and she makes ANOTHER crazy plan…remember last week, how Tyler had pretty much given up on the V’s so he could be with his family? Erica’s hostage situation offers the perfect solution: if things go wrong and Erica dies, it’ll make Tyler hate the Fifth Column again and dedicate himself to the V’s. Except Anna REALLY wants to make sure this works, so she figures it’d be better to have not only Erica but also Tyler’s father Joe die in the hostage situation—you remember Joe, he’s the guy hanging out at his house watching football while all this is going on. I’m not going to even go into explaining how Anna figures out a way to get Joe off his couch and inside Cohn’s headquarters, because it’s just too fucking insane. So let’s just cut past that and say Joe secretly enters Cohn’s hideout and is reunited with Erica. They even kiss, the way dumb people do when they think their situation is incredibly romantic but in fact is entirely dumb. Point is, they’re getting back together.

Once Joe arrives, Erica puts the pieces together and realizes the V’s are pulling the strings to get her and Joe killed—why else would Joe show up inside a fucking hostage situation like this? She knows she has to be careful. She gets on the horn with Bolling and gets him to promise the FBI won’t fire any shots if she can escort her fellow hostages out.

(Did I mention there are like seven other random civilians Cohn is using as hostages? No? It’s because the show doesn’t either until this point, and doesn’t explain what they were doing hanging out near a secret terror cell).

Bolling agrees not to fire, and it looks like Anna’s plan to get Erica and Joe killed may be a flop, but she has an ace up her sleeve…her leverage on Hobbes.

(Did I mention she has leverage over him? No? It’s because the show didn’t either until this point. Apparently the V’s have found Hobbes’s former wife/girlfriend/common law wife, whom HE thought was dead, but in fact is alive. The V’s have imprisoned this woman).

And so, Anna uses this leverage to get Hobbes to agree to set off a bomb that’ll blow up all of Cohn’s headquarters.

As Erica prepares to lead Joe and the other hostages out of the building, Cohn understands he won’t be making it out himself and anoints her to be the new head of the Fifth Column in his place, a position she’s not totally sure about as Cohn’s such a brutal monster. Then, as she leads everyone out, Hobbes blows up Cohn’s building, setting off a firefight between the FBI and the Fifth Column. Joe is killed.

And that totally fucks things up for Erica. She got out alive, her ex-ex-husband is now dead, and Joe’s death prompted Tyler to rejoin the V’s pilot training program. All she has left is the Fifth Column, and the episode ends on her committing to a more offensive strategy. Anna must pay.

Jesus, did any of that make sense? Sorry these are so long, but I think they would make LESS sense if I cut them down. I should probably proofread this before sending it to Flipit, but I’m not sure that would help. Whatever. Here it is.