About Last Night: Wednesday

Mini caps of V, Biggest Loser, and Teen Mom

V: Saint Claire of Assisi

Oh my god, what a crazy week. Two main plots to follow. One involves Anna and Lisa maneuvering against each other and isn’t half bad; the other concerns Erica and her new allies trying to figure out what the V’s are really up to—and to do it, they have to go to Bangkok AND Hong Kong. If you thought the show couldn’t pull off a convincing CGI alien, you will love how they tried to portray two Asian cities in the same episode.

Picking up where we left off last week, Tyler is undergoing training to become a deep space pilot, but really this “training” is cover for the V’s to perform a bunch of experiments on him. They need to learn whether he’s suitable for the breeding program, and so far the results aren’t good. Anna must look into her backup plan. Hilariously, Tyler never seems to wise up as to what’s going on and keeps going on and on about how he’s going to become a space man. Meanwhile, Erica has shaken off Joe’s death from last week and sets about recruiting Cohn’s worldwide network of Fifth Column freedom fighters. To start, she has to go to Bangkok for a meeting of the lieutenants.

Anna immediately has a replacement for Tyler in Raphael, a hunky Barcelonan breeding candidate whose DNA was also tampered with when he was a baby. The only problem is, Lisa has developed those pesky human emotions for Tyler and won’t sleep with Raphael or any other random dude Anna assigns her. Anna’s long suspected Lisa for having these feelings, so she enlists Joshua to test Lisa’s loyalty, by having him claim to have recovered his memories of his Fifth Column days and see how she reacts. As for Erica, the meeting with the lieutenants doesn’t go so well. They don’t trust a random American FBI agent, even if Cohn handpicked her to succeed him. She’ll have to prove herself. Erica needs a credible plan to attack the V’s where they’re most vulnerable. To find their weak spot, she’ll have to figure out why the V’s are really here on Earth. She assigns Chad to learn more about the Live Aboard program, then takes Hobbes to Hong Kong to track down Wright, the doctor who treated her when she was pregnant with Tyler. (I think the name is “Wright”…it’s not on IMDB, damn it).

Chad enlists Lisa to try to recover data on the Live Aboard candidates, and she’s almost caught when Joshua corners her to test her loyalty, but she somehow manages both to download the LA medical files, and to pass the loyalty test. I guess I underestimated her. It’s not hard to do so. In Hong Kong, Erica and Hobbes sneak into Wright’s high-security apartment building and con their way into Wright’s home. Erica quickly determines Wright is a V, but just as they find Wright’s secret V safe, Wright escapes and jumps off the balcony to her death.

Hobbes and Erica manage to break into Wright’s safe themselves, where they find a holo-projector like Malik had, and a vial of prenatal vitamins. The projector displays a world map highlighting the twenty-nine cities that host V motherships. Each city has a headshot of a young man. Tyler’s face is on New York City. Here is the evidence that Tyler isn’t the only boy the V’s experimented on, and to Erica’s horror, that means he’s expendable. More disturbing, they splice open a prenatal vitamin, and a horde of metal insects scurries out. But here’s the most upsetting news of all: Morris Chestnut somehow didn’t die in the explosion last week, nor did he even suffer any injuries. So we’ve got to deal with more of him trying to rescue his John Belushi Baby.
On the mothership, Lisa tries to seduce Raphael to allay Anna’s suspicion, but can’t make herself do it, leading to a confrontation with her mother. Anna decides to look into ANOTHER Plan B, this time to replace her daughter. Joshua thinks he can accelerate Morris Chestnut’s baby’s growth so it can reach physical maturity in a matter of days. Back on Earth, Erica takes the Hong Kong findings to Sid the Scientist, and they finally figure out exactly why the V’s have come to Earth…

Sid has learned the V’s evolve at an extremely accelerated rate. All it takes is some new DNA to add to their gene pool and in no time their species will advance. Chad’s medical reports on the Live Aboards all have one thing in common: each subject has some extreme physical characteristic, like extraordinary height or longevity. Anna is stealing the best of our DNA to incorporate it into her own species. Most likely the V’s have been traveling around the galaxy doing this to other planets before ours.

Erica’s discoveries lead to an actionable plan: they have to stop Anna from acquiring the last of the Live Aboards. All this is enough to win Cohn’s lieutenants’ trust. But Joshua’s experiments on the John Belushi Baby have worked. It’s a toddler now, (and looks a little less freakish). They’ve also cured the baby from whatever it was that was afflicting it, so they don’t have leverage over Morris Chestnut any more. Either way, Anna’s done with him and orders him disposed of.

You know, I’m coming closer and closer to accepting that this show is secretly a silly comedy and not a serious sci-fi drama. I think that’ll come out more in the individual scenes in the recap this week. See you Friday.

Biggest Loser: Bluzgirl

I was so pumped up about a double elimination this week on Biggest Loser. I mean, imagine if we had only 712 contestants left? We might know who they all are. Seriously, it is week eight and there are SIXTEEN people left, for goodness sake. The excitement I felt about getting this show down to a reasonable number of contestants faded in the second hour of the show when I realized the Black team was just going to curl up and quiver instead of fighting the good fight. By the end of the show, I was so pissed off, I ate a whole Twix bar in 1 1/2 bites. So, way to go Biggest Loser. Way to inspire. I blame all my beer and pizza consumption on you too.

Oh, sure it all started off nice enough. We were introduced to the RED LINE for the first time this season. The Red Line basically means the player who loses the least amount of weight—no matter what team they are on—-automatically goes home. Then the team that loses the weigh in still votes a member to go. Hence, the double elimination that had me so excited. Now, the Black team is mostly little women (except Courtney–who has a bunch to still lose) and Jesse and Arthur. The Red Team is mostly a bunch of big guys. So, after the Black team loses yet another challenge and gains a 3lb weight disadvantage, what the hell do you think happens? Yep! They roll up and die. These same hypocrites who yelled at Dan and Don (crack head twins) for “throwing” weigh ins, did THE SAME G-D THING. And why???? To save the “children”. Yep, the adult “children”. Once again, enabling younger people who will never learn to a THING about fighting for survival because Mommy and Daddy will take care of them. I’m pretty ticked off now, but fear not—there is plenty to chuckle about. Join me for the full recap later…I’ll be calm by then

Teen Mom: Alejandra

If possible Chelsea has become even more annoying this week. I have a call into a couple of scientists I know from college to see how. Adam’s officially freeloading this week as he has yet to show any sign of being a true partner to the mother of his child. He sleeps all day, doesn’t help around the house and works on his cars as opposed to looking for a job. Chelsea discovers that he’s effectively cut her off from nearly all her friends and family, but all she does about it is whine. And I’ll give you half a guess as to how her finishing high school is going.

Jenelle and her mother actually have a pretty good week this week in that they share very little screentime. She starts school and she and Kieffer look for jobs and an apartment in Wilmington. Kieffer’s bangin’s resume of two culinary classes and his ACE Line Cook ranking do little to ensure his success, so he spends most of the time moping around in those dumbass shorts of his. You know the ones I’m talking about.

Kailyn and Jo are on the outs again, mainly because she actually made good on her word to be independent and responsible. He channels his Teen Daddy peers and sends her a hateful text when she gives him the news that his broken home fairy tale isn’t going to work out.

And finally, Corey proposes to Leah in the most adorably redneck way possible (Dawn’s words, not mine), and he and Leah have sort of a schizophrenic episode gleefully preparing for marriage and worrying about Ali, who is now, in addition to having a fucked up spine, totally crosseyed. God has a dark, dark sense of humor.