About Last Night: Wednesday

Mini caps of V, Biggest Loser, and Teen Mom

V: Saint Claire of Assisi

Hey V-er’s. Last night was the season two finale, and it had “show that knew it was going to be cancelled” written all over it. Let’s jump in…

We begin this week with Anna preparing for the final stage of her breeding plan, which if you’re following along at home…actually, the plan changes every week, so if you’re following along at home you might be as utterly confused as I am. This week, Anna’s going to have Tyler fuck Lisa. Marcus points out that they haven’t figured out how to eradicate the human soul yet, but Anna doesn’t care. They’ll go ahead with the plan and fix out the soul thing in post.

So, remember all that stuff that happened the previous nine episodes? Don’t. None of it matters. Live in the now.

Anyway, news of Tyler’s and Lisa’s imminent fucking reaches Diana, and that forces Diana’s hand. She and the Fifth Column now must overthrow Anna with what little time they have left, meaning they’ll have to improvise. They quickly concoct a scheme to fake-kidnap Lisa to draw Anna away from the Mothership, then get Anna alone with Lisa so Lisa can vaporize her. When they run the plan by Lisa, she questions whether the has the sack to kill her own mother, but she doesn’t have much choice.

Shortly later, news of the kidnapping reaches Anna when Chad broadcasts a hilarious “kidnapper video” that’s clearly him and Hobbes in Little Green Man masks. They announce their demands: Anna’s life for Lisa’s. Thomas and Marcus urge Anna not to take the bait, but as Lisa is “the future of the species,” (at least for the first half of this episode…), Anna heads down to Earth. Once she’s gone, Morris Chestnut goes up to the Mothership and, along with Joshua, springs Diana from her cell.

Anna gets to Earth and meets with Jack at the Peace Ambassador center. Jack gives her the location of the warehouse where where Lisa is being held, and the instruction that she is to go in alone. After her meeting, she emerges to find throngs of protesters gathered outside. Anna decides to address them all on the spot. She plays the aggrieved mother card, and everyone eats it up. Looks like the old Anna has returned.

Then it’s over to the warehouse where Lisa is being held. Anna finds Lisa strapped to a chair unharmed and frees her. She turns away for a moment, allowing Lisa to pull her Disintegrate-O Ray pistol, and luckily there happens to be a pane of glass nearby that allows Anna to see this. Once again Anna uses emotions to her advantage. She nonchalantly mentions how worried she was when she learned of Lisa’s kidnapping. She’s always loved Lisa, even if she never says it. Furthermore, Anna’s come to appreciate human emotions and now thinks it could be a boon to the V species. Lisa lowers her pistol, like a total IDIOT.

Anna and Lisa both emerge from the warehouse unharmed, to Chad and Erica’s dismay. Soon news reaches Morris Chestnut and Joshua up on the ship. They want to return Diana to her cell, but Diana has come too far to retreat now and decides to address her people en masse. Once all of her V’s are assembled, Diana gives a speech about how Anna betrayed her. In her time in exile, Diana has realized human emotion really isn’t all that bad. They should even incorporate it into the species…and then she gets a kill tentacle driven through her back. Anna has returned. She retakes control and asserts the opposite of Diana’s statements. She overthrew Diana to protect the V’s. Human emotion will poision the species. The V’s go for it. Anna watches Diana bleed out, then orders that Lisa be taken into custody.

Morris Chestnut and Joshua watch all of this go down, to their horror. Joshua urges MC to get off the ship while he still can, but MC’s come too far and won’t leave his daughter again. He goes to Amy, but soon finds Anna has brainwashed her into thinking Morris Chestnut is the bad guy. Amy accuses him of wilfully abandoning her, then strangles him with her own kill tentacle.

With Anna again firmly in power, Erica tries to warn Tyler to get off the Mothership, and here she plays her final trump card, the one she’s been saving for the entire series: she tells Tyler that the V’s are really space lizards underneath all that human skin. But Tyler, being Tyler, “needs to hear this from Lisa” before he’ll do anything about it. And worse, Kendrick and Agent Bolling have been secretly taping Erica’s whole conversation, and now know that Erica is hip to the V’s true selves. “She knows too much,” whatever that means. Shortly later, Erica is kidnapped.

Anna now turns her attention back to the Breeding Initiative. With Lisa out of the picture, Anna’s must go to her backup plan, which is to hatch the last remaining Queen Egg and throw some human skin over it to make it resemble Lisa. Anna then installs Old Lisa in Diana’s old prison cell for her role in the conspiracy. Why doesn’t Anna just kill Old Lisa? Because she wants to make Old Lisa suffer…so she pulls out a surveillance camera of New Lisa visiting Tyler. Before they get down to business, Tyler asks New Lisa if they really are space lizards like his Mom said. New Lisa says they aren’t, he’s satisfied, and they get down to business. The scene is an exact recreation of when Anna bred with the V soldier back in season one, and just like Anna did, New Lisa concludes the session by ripping Tyler’s throat out.

It turns out that Erica’s kidnappers are part of a Shadow Government-type outfit called Project Aries, which consists of a bunch of human government and military officials who don’t trust the V’s; when Kendrick and Bolling saw Erica expressing these sentiments, they knew she was a fit for the team. But Erica’s not at Project Aries’s secret bunker for long before the alarms start going off: Anna is attempting to use her Bliss on humanity.

Like we saw last week, the exertion too much for Anna, and rivulets of blood seep out of her face. It looks like Anna’s a goner. But then, Amy arrives in the Bliss Chamber and offers to help out her mother. Amy apparently has no difficulty in Blissing humanity, and soon has the world under her sway. Erica rushes out of the bunker to the Manhattan streets. Everyone is hypnotized. To her horror, Jack is among them.

And that’s it for Season Two of V! Talk about burning your bridges! They killed off three, and maybe four major characters in one fell swoop, (Chad is the fourth…I didn’t throw it in the mini-recap, but basically Anna figures out he’s one of the kidnappers in the ransom video and orders her henchmen to collect him). And aside from Diana, they happpened to be my least favorite. I doubt the show comes back for a third season, but if it did, I’d be pretty excited.

Check back Friday for the full post-mortem!

Biggest Loser: Bluzgirl

Last night, Biggest Loser threatened to make it a non-elimination week. The deal? There were not two teams, but one. Working together for one common goal, as a group and as a family. If that doesn’t make your eyes get misty, that whole “non-elimination” thing should have done the trick. The newly formed Blue team have to beat the previous week’s weight loss of 64lbs and everyone is safe. Before that, they have a food challenge with Curtis Stone (who is all over NBC right now) and and extremely hungry Lorena Garcia. It is a team cooking challenge and the winning pair gets a bunch of free frozen BL food. Exciting!

The other challenge involved trivia and a lot of physical strength and the prize on that was a 5lb advantage at the weigh in, if and only if they could complete the challenge in under 90 minutes. At first that time seemed easy enough to hit, but the challenge was a heck of a lot harder for the contestants than it first looked. Did they get the advantage??? Since there are four trainers and 12 players, Brett and Cara took the girls and Bob and Jillian worked with the “big boys”. Also—there seems to be a little love connection between Austin and Courtney…awww…The weigh in would determine if it was a non-elimination week and the result?…stay tuned for details…

Teen Mom: Alejandra

Oh God, Jenelle and Kieffer head north, and Jenelle has graduated from using her mom’s credit card (singular) in the case of an emergency to “borrowing” her mother’s credit cards (plural) for gas and food. Shit. They see Kieffer’s brother and get stoned in Jersey. Of course Barbara finds out and Jenelle gets kicked out. Again. Like, in the first 15 minutes of the episode. Shit’s gettin’ old. Jenelle and Kieffer head back to Mike’s house and Barbara puts Jenelle’s clothes on the porch.

Kailyn and Suzi are getting along pretty well, and Jo tries to be a grown-up about the situation. He fails, though, and there’s another screaming match about Kailyn’s clothes. Luckily, she gets them and Jo is a complete ass in front of his parents. That makes me happy if only because I feel like Janet and Eddie need the occasional reminder of what Kailyn went through while she lived there.

Chelsea and Adam are broken up, so Chelsea gets back with Megan. I approve.

Leah and Corey have their bachelorette parties, but none of Leah’s friends can drink, so they hilariously try to put condoms on bananas. Hey, obviously one of them needs practice. Corey and his friends drink shit out of Solo cups around a fire, and even though I love them as a couple, FUCK West Virginia. They stress out planning the wedding, and have a “fight,” but I’m pretty convinced things will be fine.