About Last Night: Wednesday

Mini caps of Losing It With Jillian, The Hills, The City, Rescue Me, and Pretty Little Liars

Losing it With Jillian: Bluzgirl

This week on Losing it With Jillian, she heads up to Huntington Woods, MI, a suburb of Detroit and meets the Franklin family. And to be perfectly frank(lin), as opposed to previous families who tug on my heart strings, this one really feels like its yanking my chain.

Amy, the mother, had gastric bypass surgery and lost about a hundred pounds, but when she lost her business, the stress tipped the scales and she’s regained about fifty of those. She’s also a ciggy smoker. Dad (Todd), is a midnight snacker who also suffer from sleep apnea and uses a CPAP machine nightly. He is overweight also, but claims despite that, he’s pretty fit. Jillian’s intervention with the family seems more geared towards the two young daughters, Lily and Chloe, who are concerned about both parents’ health. Quite honestly, the parents look more interested in being drama queens and being on TV. Jill, with Lily and Chloe backing her up with a full helping of guilt, “convince” Amy she needs to quit smoking. Todd gets busted during his snack grazing by a pajama clad Jillian in the middle of the night, but both of those are minor problems. Once she gets both parents in the boxing ring together, it seems the problems really stem between them.

So, what do you get when you combine equal measurements of resentment, animosity and immaturity? The Franklin couple. Can Jillian cut through the crap? Is it uncomfortable to have to go #2 in a hot portable toilet in the middle of a crowded beer tent? Well, hell yes…

Pretty Little Liars: SlifeGoesOn

This may be the drunk talking, but methinks this was the best episode of Pretty Little Liars so far! It was so good, and I am so drunk from The Hills finale viewing party that I threw for me and all my besties, that I am seriously wishing I had Schnoz’s older sister here so I could just cut and paste her recap in here and call it my own. Ugh, ok, I’m gonna keep this short and sweet and simple, and you can all get the dirty deets when when you read the full recap!

Tonight’s episode was lamely titled “There’s No Place Like Homecoming,” but the circus-themed Homecoming dance actually provided a deliciously sinister backdrop for our helpless heroines. Lezzy secretly wanted to go with Maya, but accepted Toby’s offer instead. Buggy went with some random, even though she only had eyes for Fitzy, who was chaperoning the event.

Also on chaperone duty was Schnoz’s cunty older sister Melissa. Not only does she now know the truth about the stolen Golden Orchid essay, but she was hellbent on ruining Schnoz’s date with Alex, the plucky tennis boy from the country club.

Blondie had more important things than her Homecoming Queen nomination to worry about. With the help of some nerdy yearbook photog who wears bowties and has a crush on her, she broke into the therapist’s office, determined to steal Jenna’s file. Instead, she pulled Toby’s file, and learned his deep dark secret that Alison was using as blackmail against him. But would she be able to relay the info to Lezzy before it was too late?! Stay tuned!!!

Rescue Me: Saint Clare of Assisi

Oh my god, Rescue Me is mostly good again!  I think they realized that this new, emotionally shattered, (boring) Tommy isn’t enough to sustain an entire hour by himself.  So the other cast members have things to do!  Things were funny again!  Tommy went back to being a selfish dick!  Let’s forget the last two episodes even happened.

Lordy, I needed this.

The reason Tommy is a dick again probably has to do with yet more poor lifestyle choices he’s making.  He’s decided that he won’t drink any more, but that doesn’t include wine.  But who cares about his drinking?  You knew sobriety wouldn’t last, and this episode has bigger fish to fry.  It’s also Tommy’s first day back on the job, and he’s beginning to sense that his body is failing him.  It might be time to start thinking about taking the lieutenant’s exam, but he dreads the thought of sitting behind a desk for the rest of his days.  The rigors of firefighting catch up to Lou, too, but in a much graver way—the episode ends on him facedown on the floor of the firehouse, having a heart attack.

In other news, Garrity somehow develops an urge to do charity work, and he, Mike, and Shawn have lots of fun trying to come up with what he should do; Sheila starts to accept that Damien is going to be a firefighter no matter what she says; the let’s-save-the-firehouse story is still going on, and so is Franco-and-Janet, but those final two are mostly just mentioned and not dealt with much.

And yes, Peter Gallagher also shows up at the end, although he isn’t his normal tough-talking self, like I thought, but instead a loony priest who’s a little too into his Virgin Mary statue.  Still, I bet he sticks around to mentor Tommy some.  That, or they’ll just bring in the Great Gazoo to do it.

Toodle-loo, dumb-dumbs!

The Hills: Hypnotoad

Close that dirty window, and stop feeling the rain on your skin. This is it, kids. The end of an era. A vapid, fame-whoring, incredibly fake era. Movin’ on is the theme of the night, and everyone talks about how “weird” it is that everyone’s “moving on” and “growing up,” like we’re supposed to believe that these kids just decided to “grow up” and “move on” in one week, and it has nothing to do with the show ending. Whatevs. Here’s the skinny:

Lo may have to put aside her “rule” of not living with anyone until she’s engaged. Will she move in with Scott? Will we remember the bitchy Lo who would throw backhanded comments in front of her friend’s faces and then turn around and spew petty gossipy crap behind their backs? Or will we miss this season’s Lo, who suddenly became a sane voice of reason? I, for one, will miss neither.

Steph continues to date Jeff Spicoli, even driving two hours — ohmigod two hours! — to go see him do his moto-cross. Has she finally found the right one? Will they definitely be the most boring couple on the planet, even surpassing the lame-ness of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt? All signs point to yes, kiddos.

Audrina, having finally decided that maybe Justin Bobby is a douche (a HOT douche, but a douche all the same), may have finally given up on the club and social life that has made her so . . . um . . . “famous.” Will she move on from Hollywood and start a new life? A life that may include a mid-season replacement reality show on E! or the TV Guide network only to be canceled after 2 episodes? Yeah, probably so.

And Kristin. Kristin, Kristin, Kristin. She’s had her ups and downs this year. From 3 random bitches in a Miami hotel bed, to yelling at people every week in random bars, to yelling at more people in more random bars. And throughout, she maintained lady-boner for Brody. But in this last episode, Kristin may be ready for a change. That totally has nothing to do with Brody, okay?! NOTHING!! Will Kristin decide to leave her life behind, pack up, and move her dramatic ass across the Atlantic so the French can experience fake drama and bitchery for the first time? Only time will tell . . .

Lastly, this episode totally ended on a really weird note, which is most likely an acknowledgment of the show’s tendency toward fakery, but mostly I just sat there, raised an eyebrow, and went, “Whaaaaaaaaa?!” It was like the ending of Lost. Except this time I didn’t care.

The City: Hypnotoad

It’s the last episode of The City! Most likely for this season and not forever, at least, but we’ll see. We’ll see. There’s about 3 minutes of Roxy/Whitney drama, and about how they’re growing apart, and since Roxy’s most likely only contracted to be Whit’s BFF for one season, their whole friendship thing is very up in the air. But who cares, there’s better stuff this week!

Whit decides that she may have to step up her game and goes to see Alison Brod about some P.R. representation. Alison is intense, but it’s a pretty pink intensity . . . as opposed to the black hole of intensity that is Kelly Cutrone. Apparently, Alison Brod has been running her pretty pink mouth all over town about how Whitney’s going with her firm and how Whit has “fired” Kelly. And Kelly? Freaks. The eff. Out! And she freaks the eff out all. Over. Whitney! You guys, it is epic and shocking.

What’s not epic and shocking? The blandness that is Olivia. She’s like Kraft macaroni before you add the milk. And margarine. And cheese powder. Olivia goes to Japan, where’s she’s treated like some uber-celebrity, and all the Japanese ladies are like, “You have such a tiny face! TINY FACE!” But apparently, Olivia’s trip was successful, because when she gets back to Elle, Joe calls for a staff meeting. And boy, does he have some big news for Erin, Seth, Louise, and Elle.com! And us, I guess.