About Last Night: Wednesday

Mini caps of Biggest Loser, The Hills, and The City

Biggest Loser: HappyHousewife

It’s that time of year…finale time! Last night was also the finale of The Biggest Loser. Which former fatty sweated their way to $250k?

Ok, so last week it was down to the final four-Michael, Ashley, Koli, and Daris. They had been sent home for 30 days, then weighed in at the ranch one last time to find out who would be competing for the top prize. Michael and Ashley were automatically in the final, with Koli and Daris falling below the “yellow line”-meaning they would have to plead with America for votes to determine who would be joining the top two in contention for the quarter of a million dollars. Daris won the most votes (and a really cute girlfriend at home!) to join the top three, leaving Koli to compete for the at home prize.

Also, do you remember Shey from season 8? She was the biggest female ever to compete on The Biggest Loser, and she was sent home after the last finale with a deal from Subway-$1,000 for each pound she lost in the five months between finales. She lost 52 pounds for a cool 52k, and an offer from Jared that they would double the check if she slept with him…er, I mean, if she trained for and finished a marathon with him. Virtually a year’s salary to train for a marathon? Sign me up!

Time to weigh in all the voted off contestants to determine the winner of the at home prize, $100,000. One of the first people up was Sherry, Ashley’s mom-holy crap, girlfriend is skinny! She lost 99 pounds, bringing her all the way down to 119 and a percentage weight loss of 45.41. No one else can match her…noteworthy attempts were Melissa (who I still wanted to reach through the screen and strangle for being such a stupid, obnoxious whore) with a loss of 90 lbs (38ish %), Sunshine and O’Neal, who were around the 40% mark and looked SO great, and Michael’s mom Maria who dropped 114 lbs. Sad face to the twins, John and James. When they came out I was like, oh man, they didn’t lose anything at all. Come to find out they actually lost 149 and 128 lbs. respectively. Wow. Talk about not wearing your weight well.

Up comes Darrell, Drea’s dad, and whoa-he looks great. He puts up a weight loss of 189 pounds to take the lead from Sherry! 45.76 percent! How exciting! His lead only lasts until Sam and Koli come out, however. Sam is out of contention seeing as he hit his goal weight before he even left the ranch, but it looks like Koli has been busy since he left…he looks SKINNY. And he is, with a weight loss of 215 lbs-over 53 percent! He easily wins the 100k.

Now, time for the final three. Daris weighs in first, he’s down 168 lbs, 48.55 percent, and as I said earlier, he’s getting laid-finally. Good for you, boy. Ashley’s up next, and she looks great!!!! Her total is 183 pounds, just enough to barely edge out Daris with 48.93 percent. Then, Michael. His outfit aside (he was wearing a faux-diamond encrusted skull belt buckle! I can’t tell if he’s flamboyantly gay, socially awkward, in love with Ashley, or all three) he looks great, albeit a bit too Jersey Shore for my tastes. However, he is a guido from Chicago, so I guess he really can’t help himself.

He weighs in at…..262 pounds, for a total loss of 264 pounds, or 50.19 percent, just enough to take the title of The Biggest Loser and the $250,000! The only bummer? If Koli wouldn’t have screwed up during his 30 days at home and made it definitively into the final three, he would have beaten Michael and taken the title with his 53 percent! Ah!

The City: Hypnotoad

You’d think there’d be more lovely Olivia snubbing this week, but unfortunately, no. For some reason, Joe is like in LOVE with Olivia this week, as he totes her around like a chihuahua in a handbag to a bunch of parties where people in fashion complain about how hard it is to be rich and fabulous. It’s heartbreaking that they have way more money than we do, people. Joe goes on and on and on about how great Olivia is . . . at just walking around and kissing people on the cheeks. I’m serious. He pretty much says that verbatim.

Meanwhile, Erin dishes to the Page Six guy about how Olivia totally crapped out on the Whitney interview, and he’s all like, Ooooh that’s good dirt! And then he talks to Olivia about her work with Elle.com. Will the shit hit the fan when the Elle gang sees the Page Six article?! I don’t want to ruin it for you. I also don’t want you to get your hopes up, so, no. Nothing really happens with that plot. Sorry!

Over in the Whitneyville this week, Whit has a full page spread in Glamour! Yay! So Kelly tells her to get her crap together and bring April, the P.R. girl. But Whitney wants to bring Roxy because we all know Whitney has loyalty issues. And also? Not much of a spine. She’ll get there, though. She’ll get there. Anyway, since Whitney brings Roxy to the Glamour meeting, Roxy of course makes a fool of herself because . . . let’s be honest — she knows nothing about fashion. Or tact. Or being professional. Kelly gets wind of Roxy’s idiocy and then pretty much chews Roxy out in a total Kelly I-don’t-give-two-shits-about-you way. The weird thing? Whitney’s starting to agree with Kelly on the Roxy front! Oh, no! Will Whit have to get yet another best friend in season 3? God, I hope so . . .

The Hills: Hypnotoad

Have we seen the last of Spencer and Heidi on The Hills? Because they weren’t on it at all this week. I know they’re the most effed up people in America (well . . . Lindsay Lohan too . . .) but I kind of miss their complete lack of awareness of the world around them. Oh, well. On to completely less interesting things . . .

Like Audrina. Girl is nice, but lordy loo, she sure as hell ain’t interestin’! She wants Ryan to go out with her friends, and that’s her plot this week. Fascinating.

Brody and Kristin, who are TOTALLY SINGLE and NOT TOGETHER and are FINE WITH DATING OTHER PEOPLE get into a ridiculous fight when Brody brings his new girlfriend Mikaela to yet another club where everyone’s meeting for drinks. Which means it must be a Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Or, actually, any day that ends in “-day.” Brody thinks Kristin’s being rude to Mikaela by ignoring her and gossiping with the other Heathers in a corner, so he and Mikaela leave. And, to prove that she’s not being rude to Mikaela, Kristin’s all, “Was I rude to you? Was I RUDE TO YOU?!?!!!!!!” Which was rather lovely and touching of her. That Kristin — she’s all about compassion. Then Kristin comes over to Brody’s house to freak the eff out on him. Because they’re just friends. And nothing else. Except vapid cry-babies.

The only other thing worth mentioning, now that The Crazy Traveling Pratt Variety Hour is no longer with us, is that Steph goes on a double date with Lo and her apparently 45 year-old boyfriend(?) with some dude named Max who is a professional lacrosse player and maybe a model. Sigh. Only on this show, people. Only on this show. Steph is totes nervous! Because she’s only 23! And she’s in AA! And she’s been to jail! And her family life is crazy! But it turns out the date is fine. Good for her, bad for us.