About Last Night

Mini Caps of V, 90210, Dancing with the Stars Results, The City, The Hills, and Lost

Whaaa? I’m a man of science, k? Stop talking your blahblah spirit fate gobbledygook mkay thanks.

V: WaffleBoy

It was a busy, busy time on V last night. We learned Hobbs deep dark secrets, sort of. A baby was born, Morris Chestnut may be in deep poop, there was a big CGI explosion, FBI mom showed off a lot of leg, Soap Opera Priest gave a rousing speech to a few people, and a bunch of empty pews, and Bailey 2.0 finally figured out the real deal. Two people died last night. Well one did for sure, so we’ll call it one and a half. Oh and they blew a ton of money making the sky turn red at the end of the episode. High School Musical Kid was still a moron, but as I always say yay continuity! And we haven’t even talked about Creepy Gopher Guy getting Hobbs by the short and curlies, and a big honking invasion fleet, but I need to save something for the recap. If you’re a fan of this show, you need to see this episode.

90210: Mones

Really? Did this really just happen? Is this drivel really what passes for primetime television?! Isn’t the purpose of entertainment to invoke pleasure? Not make you want to throw a basket full of kittens into a Sweeny Todd-like incinerator so that people who like cats can feel the pain. Really?

So this season finale we get break-ups, heartaches, reunions. Sad faces, angry faces and drunk faces. Arson, driving under the influence and rape. Yeah, you heard me rape. They fucking went there. Dixon also proves to be the stupidest motherfucker to walk the planet. Full deets in my final recap of the season.

Stay tuned…

Dancing With The Stars: Results Show: HappyHousewife

So…..who, pray tell, had the unfortunate distinction of being the 100th couple eliminated off Dancing With The Stars? Does anyone even care, given the Lost almost finale? Have any of you recovered yet, or are you still crying in front of your TV’s? Or too busy orgasming over NPH on Glee? Dude…I know. I won’t lie, DWTS was last on my DVR last night. Priorities.

Anyhoo….I have a bone to pick with the musical selections. I tried to explain to the ‘Gasm powers that be that it was against my religion to recap a show that contained Miley Cyrus, but they weren’t having it. We negotiated a higher prescription allowance in my benefits package, so I guess you could say I sold out. Semantics. ABC was kind enough to numb the pain by starting with Sarah McLachlan, who was lovely as usual. She sang the sad doggie ASPCA song (where’s Annemarie?) then a new one that I liked.

Encore dance was Bartender and Anna’s paso doble…and it was so hot. So proud of Bartender for pretending to be a real boy! They scored a 30 with it, and it was well deserved-every bit of it was great, except for the house band slaughtering Evanescence ( I wonder if they chose that band on purpose…get it…EVANescence? Har har.) That singer bitch needs to realize she is NO Amy Lee. Yikes.

More college dance competition nonsense…I won’t lie, I fast forwarded through it. If you really care that much about the details, I’ll include them on the recap. Heavily influenced by barbiturates.

Then….Miley, Miley, Miley. Trick isn’t even pretending to be Disney’s head bitch anymore…she has ditched the lolita persona and is heading straight for dry back alley handjobs in exchange for a fifth of Monarch rum. I think she was also trying to channel Britney circa the Circus era and failing miserably. Thankfully, I still have my hearing, courtesy of a large dose of autotune and lip synching. Thanks for that, ABC.

As for the results….PDoll/Ken Doll and Bartender/Anna called safe, down to Mophead/Ochostinko and Erin/Maks. And the couple leaving us tonight is….just like I called it, Ochostinko and Mophead. Surprisingly enough, Ocho was a class act about his departure and I now hate him slightly less.

Finale next week! I’m actually super stoked! I honestly believe all three have a chance of winning…it’s totes going to come down to the audience votes. Which horse are you betting on?

The City: Hypnotoad

Joe Zee is totes excited about the Fergie cover for Elle! And it’s in L.A.! And Erin gets to go with him! But not Olivia, because she sucks. And Joe seriously tells her that that’s the reason she can’t go. Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaah. But Olivia did pick some rings and crap for Fergs to wear, and she LOVES them, so Joe keeps trying to tell Erin that Olivia has an eye. For rings. And crap like that. It’s sad that that’s the only good thing you can say about someone. “You pick out rings good.” When they get back to NYC, however, turns out that the Elle cover of Fergie that the focus group picked? Was the one that Erin suggested, AND it doesn’t include any of Olivia’s rings and crap! Suck on that, Palermo!

Oh, I guess some stuff happened to Whitney too. Like, um . . . let’s see . . . she goes out on a date with that Frenchy photographer, who, for someone who is a French war photographer, is less interesting than a plate of foie gras. Kelly and Roxy still insist that he’s totally into her, which he proves by saying that he’ll shoot Whit’s look book, and then asking her out on another date at the shoot. And Whit’s like, Ummmmm . . . I’m busy, and I have to wash my hair, and I have a headache, and I think I may be coming down with syphilis, and I have to feed my rabbits, and I’m really into women now, so let’s just keep it professional.

The Hills: Hypnotoad

Because all we want to know about is how bat-shit insane Heidi and Spencer are, this episode is entirely devoted to that subject. Basically, everybody meets for a bunch of lunches to discuss this.

Lunch #1: Steph and Holly meet to discuss how totally effing insane both Spencer and Heidi are. They say that Heidi and Spencer have no one but themselves. They concur that Heidi and Spencer aren’t normal.

Lunch #2: Kristin and Heidi meet to discuss how totally effing insane Spencer is. Heidi says that Spencer is “fun crazy.” Kristin is like, Uh huh, that’s true . . . except without the “fun” part. Heidi says she loves Spencer more than anything. And what is she without Spencer? I don’t know, an approachable human being who hasn’t forgotten how to interact with her peers and wouldn’t completely damage humanity by releasing incredibly horrible “albums?”

We take a brief pause from the lunches to hear Ryan Cabrera lay down some awesome new tracks for his album that will at best reach #98 on the Adult Contemporary charts. Audrina shows up to try to make things more interesting, but she can’t, because . . . well, she’s Audrina.

Nightclub #1: Brody cozies up to Audrina, who’s like, You’re into Kristin and I have a boyfriend who I will have to financially support for my entire life! And then, Spencer shows up, and he doesn’t looked coked out. Nope. Not at all. Not even one little bit. Audrina comes up to say hi, and Spencer’s like, You’re the worst person in this bar. And then Spencer flips the eff out on Brody. Because he’s totally not coked out. Not even a tiny bit. Not at all.

Lunch #3: Audrina, Kristin, and Heidi met to discuss how totally effing insane Spencer is. Heidi does not agree with this. She says that Spencer didn’t change her, SHE changed her. Um, more like Dr. McPlasty changed you, Frankenho.

Nightclub #2: Brody and Kristin totally make out, but it’s cool because they’re just friends, like for reals, so don’t even ask them, okay? And of course, Heidi and Spencer show up, and ignore Lo, Audrina, Holly, and Steph. But they show Kristin some crystals that will help her if she’s in a war zone. Yeah, totally, just throw one of those bad boys at Al-Qaeda, and everything will be cool. Spencer then says that he doesn’t allow Heidi on TV (um, you MAY want to mention that you’re on a reality show, Spencie) and all she does is pray. And . . . wait for it . . . write poetry. I’ll pause while you run to the bathroom to copiously vomit.

Lunch #4 (although this may be just cocktail hour): Basically Steph, Holly, Lo, Audrina, and Kristin talk about how freaking insane Heidi and Spencer are. Steph cries, and Holly cries, and it’s actually really, really sad, but mostly because of the weepy Greg Laswell song in the background.

Lost: Ack

On this week’s penultimate episode of Lost, Kate, Sawyer, Jack, and Hurley were still getting over the fact that Smokey tried to blow them up in the sub (and managed to kill half their friends in the process) when who should beckon them to a meeting but Jacob himself? They could all see and talk to him now (something to do with his ashes) and Jacob proceeded to tell them the entire plot of the sixth season. So now they know one of them has to replace him, and Jack volunteered, and so Jacob did some voodoo, made Jack drink some magic water, and poof, now Jacob = Jack.

Elsewhere, Widmore’s last stand against Smokey did’t go too well! Ben, Miles, and Richard had all found their way back to Otherville where Widmore’s crew was also hiding out. Once they knew Smokey was on his way, Miles ran, Richard got whisked away by the monster, and Ben decided he’d let Smokey kill him without fighting back. However, Smokey and Ben made a little deal that if Ben kills a bunch of people for Smokey, Smokey will let him have the island. Widmore told Smokey that he was there on Jacob’s orders, and that he brought Desmond to the island to act as a fail safe in case Jacob’s plan goes horribly awry. That’s all Widmore got to say because Ben promptly shot him dead because apparently he’s still pissed about Alex dying! Woops! Finally Smokey told Ben that he’s going to destroy the whole damn island, apparently.

In the Sideways World all kinds of things were going on – Ben got beaten up by Desmond, which triggered his island memories. Desmond joined forces with Kate and Sayid in jail, then Hurley helped them all escape by bribing Ana-Lucia, who he remembered from the island! Locke went to Jack and told him that he does want the surgery after all, and Ben had dinner at Alex’s house – with her mother Danielle – and the three of them were like an insta-family. And now basically everyone ever is planning to go to this big museum/concert/gala thing, where we all know something totally crazy’s going to happen!