About Last Night: The Bachelor, Heroes, 24

We know it can suck waiting a couple days for the recaps to post, so we’re starting a new daily article called About Last Night so we can talk about the shows we cover (and some that we don’t) right away. Join HoneyG, Copyhacker, and Flipit for discussion about last night’s fare!

The Bachelor: HoneyGangsta: Last night on The Bachelor, Jake sent home more girls than he kept (almost). The whole desperate lot of them took a road trip up the California coast and stopped off at a vineyard where G-G-G-Gia got a one-on-one date. To prove how serious he is about finding a grown-up relationship, Jake played spin the bottle with her and kissed her. Then they roasted hot dogs and Gia thought she was about to get eaten by a coyote, but it was really just the other girls about 50 yards away calling to them.

Later Jake took a bunch of the girls on some dune buggies and there was much rolling around in the sand and badmouthing of Wiener. Jake was very impressed to see that every last girl was able to get dirty in sand, then take a shower and look pretty in a dress. Wonders never cease!

Wiener insisted on going last for alone time, insuring that she got the last kiss before Jake went to bed, but Jake gave Princess Tenley the group date rose anyway. Finally Ella and Kathryn went for a two-on-one date where Jake was supposed to give one of them a rose, but he decided they both suck, called for an extra limo, then in a dramatic twist of events he threw the rose into a campfire. As the rose burnt into the ashes of lost love, the rest of the girls were nearly eaten by a family of raccoons.

At the Rose Ceremony Jake had an internal tantrum and refused to give out the final rose of the night, making Chris Harrison’s job very difficult, and five of the six remaining girls very angry. What is the tragic secret of Gia’s past? What inn that “celebrities go to” does Jake choose for the girls to shower up in? And what special message does Jessie have for Jake that requires her to wear green eyeshadow? All the shameful details will soon be revealed! To catch up on past recaps, check out The Bachelor Archives.

Heroes: Copyhacker: Last night on Heroes: Claire’s dark roots were showing, Parkman went all

Edgar Allan Poe on Sylar, Samuel apologized (a lot), an old friend popped in from Heroes Character Limbo, and… SOMEONE DIED!!! Yes, really, I swear. Thanks to the Winter Olympics, we’re ramping up for an early finale. As silly as Heroes gets, it still beats watching dudes ice skate. To catch up on past Heroe’s recaps, go here.

24: Flipit: Last night on 24, the big news was that Renee didn’t return as a villain, necessarily. She just returned DAMAGED. You could tell cuz she had super thick eyeliner and had a tough face even through the tears streaming down her cheeks every five seconds. I love me some 24, and man I’m glad it’s back. I could do without the abusive boyfriend storyline, but I think it’s mostly cuz it’s uncomfortable to see Battlestar Galactica’s Starbuck so weak and defenseless. And in a dress!! You know the time is coming soon that she beats the crap out of that hick who’s trying to blackmail her, so I’m trying to keep the eye rolling to a minimum. Let’s just hope she gets to do the beating and doesn’t have to be saved by Freddie Prinze Jr, who looks high and confused in every scene.

The formula for the show should be way old by now. Terrorists have uranium, Jack’s dragged back into the game growling “I’m too old for this shit!” like Danny Glover, the president is trying to do the right thing in a wrong world blahblahblah. I say blahblahblah but I mean YAYAYAYAYYAY. I’m still as hooked as ever and can’t wait to see what new creative ways Jack comes up with to beat the living daylights out of people. For now, though, I just wanna see Starbuck stand proud and tall and whip out some Tae Kwan Do. And you guys, I know this is sad to think about, but do you think they’ll let Renee survive the season? Cuz I kinda love her.