About Last Night: Kell on Earth, The Bachelor, Heroes, 24

Last night, hometown visits, a finish to a(nother) pretty lame season, and our 24 character rankings! Come on in! It’s not snowing in here!

Prettiness.

Kell on Earth: ChickBomb

This week on Kell on Earth, no one has figured out how to write down names on a list. And so, the crisis of the Chado Ralph Rucci fashion show continues. Kelly and her team manage to make it to the show, which goes off great….but the people who can’t write down names on a list can’t seem to check names off a list either. While Kelly deals with the prima donna designer, whose main edict for his fashion show seems to be a dramatic, fluttery, “Too much press! Too much press!” – the loser partners try to control the self-created madness out front by screaming, “If you’re not on the list, don’t get in this line!” An excellent plan, fashion show crashers are known to be very reasonable when it comes to getting off the line.

Of course, Kelly comes out and saves the day, literally kicking people out of seats. The designs are no biggie, but the show’s a hit. Unfortunately, Chado Ralph – who refused to speak to the press – is snubbed for the cover of WWD by none other than DVF, who probably threw a cocktail party for them. Naturally, this is Kelly’s fault, and so Chado Ralph fires her. Hate to break it to you, Chado Ralph, but this Bravo thing is the most exposure you’re ever gonna get. Brillaint business move, sacking the lady who handed it to you. Savvy, really.

In other news, Stephanie who hasn’t been trained is still using that as her excuse for everything. Only they’ve put her in charge of the interns, so now there’s a whole litter trailing behind her squawking, “We were never trained!”. It all comes to a head during this super intense gift bag crisis. Then Kelly flips out….and then the same, exact gift bag crisis happens again.

Ex Assistant Stephanie is either about to cry, about to have a nervous breakdown, or telling you how she’s about to cry or have a nervous breakdown. Current Assistant Andrew wears a one shoulder shirt, that I’m really hoping I can exorcize from my mind sometime before lunch cause it already ruined breakfast.

Also, the gang puts on a fashion “instillation” which is a fashion show for people who only make jeans, and that’s where the “model down!” moment from the preveiws happens. Don’t worry, the model’s fine. And Kelly’s main concern is the ambulance’s flashing lights messing up her show.

Last night on The Bachelor, we got an unexpected twist – Hometown Dates! Gia met Jake in New York where nothing took place outside or on the ground. Her mom read Jake’s tarot cards and got him all wrong. Mean Ali brought Jake to Massachusetts to show him her dead grandmother’s house and have her parents tell him how awesome she is. Princess Tenley made Jake come all the way to the other end of the country to the non-stop excitement capital of America… Oregon. She was determined not to talk about her ex, but in truth we talked about little else. She did an interpretive dance that her ex never saw and her parents warned Jake to be careful because Princess went through a lot due to her ex. Then Wiener put Jake back on a plane to Florida to meet her weepy dad who warned Jake that he has big daddy shoes to fill. Wiener’s dog was also excited to see her because she hasn’t worn a poofy dress to tea in a while.

Later Mean Ali practiced her on-camera cry for a full 20 minutes trying to decide what was more important – her television debut or her job at an advertising agency. What do you think she decided? Besides that she was good at crying on cue? All the shocking details coming shortly!

Heroes: Copyhacker

Last night on Heroes: HRG was about to suffocate, and killing us with

a long obnoxious deathbed speech, when Tracy dropped in. Or, um,

dripped in. Everyone discovered the power of teleportation and arrived

at the big climax in the nick of time. We already knew Sylar would

save Emma and, as you may guess, New York did NOT crumble to the

ground. You can thank Haiti for that. What happened at the carnival

was pretty much your run-of-the-mill blockbuster finale action. The

best part of last night, which no one could have seen coming, was…

Old Charlie.

But I thought she was “lost in time”, right? Well, turns out that’s

just writer code for “she ended up on Glee and we haven’t figured out

how to write her out of the show for good yet”. So what really

happened? Samuel’s time guy dropped off Charlie in 1944 and just left

her there. Fast-forward 65 years and now she’s a grandma who happens

to be staying in the same hospital as Hiro. He can’t fix this, cuz

what’s he gonna do, just erase the woman’s whole life? This ain’t

Lost, people. No flash-sideways here.

The other best thing that happened last night: Claire came out of the

closet. Nothing to do with Gretchen, who was thankfully absent but

unfortunately not dead. No, after three seasons of

will-they-or-won’t-they let the world find out about superpowers,

Claire took a dive off the Ferris wheel, Season-1-style, on live TV.

Will Heroes be back next year? Depends on which rumors you believe.

Something to think about while you’re stuck with curling and ice

dancing and The Bachelor for the next couple of Monday nights.

24: Dogsnaxx: Character Rankings

Dogsnaxx ‘24′ Character Rankings: Episode 7

10) Cole: Didn’t do much at all other than lose Jack to the Russian Mob this week. Good Job! His penance for that will be discovering next week that his fiancee used to mud wrestle for wooden nickels and moonshine peaches in the backwoods.

9) Vlad: Because now that he’s dead, I’m going to miss his drinking on the job, sexual harassment of colleagues, and procrastination. He was like a one man ‘Mad Men’ in the middle of ‘24′ every week, and I loved it!

8) Kayla Hassan: Breaks into the rankings this week thanks to a history of boning her Dad’s Chief of Security! That’s a damn ballsy move when your Dad is the President of an institutionally sexist and patriarchal Islamic Republic!

7) President Hassan: He has an interesting theory about the use of illegal detentions and interrogations on dissidents. If I’m correctly interpreting his logic: It’s all perfectly acceptable until one should sign a piece of paper agreeing that it no longer is! Of course, it’s going to blow up in his face. But I’m sensing that may be a good thing. I think Hassan is missing out on his true life’s calling, which is a job at Cheney’s think tank.

6) Jenny’s Hillbilly Hootenanny: Poor Dana/Jenny slips down a notch this week. To her credit, she woke up and smelled the tick repellent, remembering why she chose to stop clamping her trailer to Kevin’s hitch in the first place. But she loses major points for forgetting that Kevin and his bud were just drunk, dyslexic, ADD-addled buffoons. In a party setting, that can be fun…but when you’re trying to pull off high-stakes capers…not so much! Bad call, Jenny…you should have bought them a 40 of Schlitz and scoffed at their blackmail attempts. Plus, now your boss is pissed, and all of your colleagues suspect you’re shady. I think you better start practicing your soft-serve twist Jenny…it’s back to the Dairy Queen for you after a quick stop in prison.

5) Renee: It was good to see Renee snap out of her funk for a hot second when she went all Buffy on Vlad! It was his own fault, really. The rape was pretty bad, but that thick sausage joke was just unforgivably lame. Too bad she had to ruin her shining moment by losing herself in frenzy, stabbing her BFF Jack, and potentially derailing the whole operation. By episode’s end, she was back to being the depressed, helpless sack of wah-wah trombones we’ve gotten used to this season.

4) President Taylor: I know I sort of backed myself into a corner when I stated President Taylor would never be less than #3 on my list. But I’m just gonna go ahead and break my word on that one. Mmn’kay? Other than a little girl-talk/gossip with the British Prime Minister, and some purposeful barking at Hassan on speaker phone, Mme. Prez is still hanging out on the sidelines this season. Having had a wretched, conniving ho-bag ingrate for a daughter only buys so much of my sympathy.

3) The remaining Brother McRussian: You know, maybe things aren’t so bad for blondie after all. Sure, his Pops is a total psycho and his loving brother is dead. But he’s still got his youth and his face is totally devoid of uranium poisoning scars. Plus, he’s totes going to get twice the inheritance now, so that’s cool!

2) Chloe: I feel like watching for Chloe moments this season is like trying to solve a really hard ‘Where’s Waldo’ puzzle. But she popped up to tell off the Perv again and bark at Dana. Hey Homegirl, I see you!

1) Jack: This one time, I got a really bad splinter from a chopstick and it pretty much ruined my entire week. Jack gets stabbed in the gut, and it’s no biggie! A quick trip to the bathroom and a jumbo-sized band-aid later, he’s ready to go deep-cover/captive in the Russian Mob to get those rods. That’s our Jack, always focused on the task at hand!