About Last Night: Shear Genius, Real World, American Idol, Toddlers and Tiaras

Last night in TV land, people fought about hair cuts, Skara started turning into Paula Abdul, Odrama caused some drama, and grandmas got in on the beauty pageant act. Come on in!

A little girl thought she had me in the talent portion but I shanked the little troll.

Shear Genius: J-Mo

Last night on Shear Genius, one of the biggest douchecakes in the competition headed for the hills of home… within the first 2 minutes of the show! Total putz. How can you claim to be a bad-ass hairstylist and still get weepy-eyed over missing your rug-rats after only a couple of days? Throw some crumbled Cheerios in your bed and turn on the TV to Dora and SpongeBob at full volume and you’ll feel like the little brats are right there with you!

The ShortCut Challenge had to do with a bunch of twitchy two-dollar hookers and aging L.A. housewives who just can’t step away from the Clorox. Kim Vo tries to get everyone to start using his patented catchword “blondorexia” by saying it 94,582 times, and the stylestants attempt to fix and heal these ladies’ over-processed hair, even though not ONE of them is willing to accept any other hair-coloring advice from these supposed “baste ovda baste” in hairdressers. I had no idea so many people actually wanted to have Courtney Love’s full head of lice-encrusted, straw-textured, heroin-infused hair.

As for the Elimination Challenge, it would seem that the ghost of Top Chef lingers, because they had to build a hairstyle based upon several different food dishes. I was disappointed that there wasn’t any spaghetti, or ramen, or mee krob served… it would have been awesome to see if BrigADumbass would have actually put some pasta on someone’s head (Jesus knows she uses everything else not nailed down in that salon!) Also, we see Jonny TrannyLips do this neat trick where he purses his lips and his entire face disappears, and I still can’t tell what language CamilaToe speaks, I just know that my TV’s closed captioning deciphers her like this: “SDNVITITITOWN MEVOMAXAXAXPOM KOKOACOI EWEEWEEPM VMPWPLDKPZWQUXUX OHFUCKITWEGIVEUP” I’m waiting for an Emergency Berlitz SWAT Team to abduct her and leave someone more well-spoken in her place. Like Dick Clark.

I’m working on another epic recap now (LOL @ itchy) and hope to have it completed in a couple of days, and thanks for all the welcome-back comments, I feel right back at home.

Real World: Virginia Apple

Odrama’s Fight of the Week was with our resident Walking Cliche Erika, whose already prominent EMO-ness exploded all over the place in this episode. Apparently she suffered from depression, to which Odrama can OF COURSE relate. This made her all the more offended when she and Cliche started fighting. The unique part of this Odrama FOTW is that both parties were pretty immature and dramatic about it. At times I was kind of on Odrama’s side, which may just be due to creative editing, but still took me by surprise, so thanks MTV editing for keeping me on my toes. Or at least mostly conscious, because otherwise this fight felt a lot like some fights I had in middle school. There was also the obligatory threat of “I’m going home” from Cliche (don’t get my hopes up, please), but she pusses out and decides the longer she stays, the better her chance to get a recording contract. Of course, they (sort of) made up in the end. They agreed to tolerate each other and be roommates and see if they end up friends down the road.

Mike continued to hang out with Eric, who may have been starting to like Mike more than either of them was comfortable with. Of course, Mike’s confusion about his sexuality made the situation more complicated than your standard heterosexual romance. Mike said he enjoyed Eric’s company and didn’t want him kissing other guys, but didn’t understand why Eric would be upset about him making out with a girl. Stop trying to keep you parents’ hopes alive, Mike. Eric called him out on not being comfortable with his sexuality, which Mike didn’t appreciate even though it’s true. They (sort of) broke up, even though I don’t think they were officially together, and then reversed that decision the next morning and decided to keep hanging out.

Also this week, the usual complaints (from Cliche) about how some roommates were being messy (*cough*PandrewJoshOdrama*cough*). Apparently Cliche is allergic to ants? Learn something new every day.

American Idol: Bbitz

Last night on “American Idol”, 96 hopefuls performed an ill-fated orgy of group performances. Although this season’s group segment didn’t have as much behind-the-scenes drama (no fistfights over people going to bed early?!) some guy missed his child’s birth. On the good side, the kid will never remember his Dad’s absence but he might be a little pissed to find out Ruben Studdard’s his real father.

Also on the show, Simon has a severe case of “I’m so fucking over this – can’t we just shoot the ones we don’t like?” while Ellen goes for a demeanor somewhere between herself and Nigel from “SYTYCD” (love the glasses). And after the amount of uppers-induced chair-dancing we saw from Kara, I’d say she’s the one replacing Paula – not Ellen. Oh yeah – and Randy showed up to pick up his pay check. Dollar B’s dawg!

Check back for my full review where I tear this shit wide open and reveal I’M the baby daddy.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Dear Crabby

Well, it’s been a while but Toddlers & Tiaras did not disappoint by allowing moms (and grandmothers!) compete with/against the girls. And when I say girls, I mean their boobs that are down around their ankles. Look, I’m glad this can be a multi-generational hobby but get thy bosom to a Victoria’s Secret for some hoisting! Gravity is mean! The upside? Some girl tosses pizza dough for the talent competition…the verdict? Everyone found it delicious and all the contestants had to barf it up so they could fit into their dresses. I may have made that last part up but you know it’s coming once they hit those teen years. Toddlers & Tiaras, you never fail to impress.