About Last Night: Tuesday

Last night was a very busy night in TVland. A desperate ho tried to get back into a fairy tale, Fantasia decided to learn to read, Martin Short made funny faces, skaters fell a lot, and Jack was tortured for the one billionth time. Come on in!!

Thankfully, these two weren’t in anything.

The Bachelor: HoneyGangsta

Last night on The Bachelor, Gia, Princess Tenley and Wiener all gave it up to Jake in the Fantasy Overnight Suites in St. Lucia. Jake took Gia walking around the streets to stare at the locals and she proved to him that even though she wears expensive shoes she is still aware of the poor people of the world. Princess Tenley went on a helicopter ride and let us know that her ex-husband never took her on a helicopter ride, he just broke her heart. Also she’s only been with one man ever (her ex), so it is a very big deal to her and extremely special that she chose to do the dew with Jake after only a few short dates. Wiener got to go on a boat ride with Jake on a boat from Pirates of the Caribbean where they jumped into the ocean about a mile away from shore then “swam” all the way back to make out in the sand. Wiener also brought a surprise outfit for the Fantasy Suite that I will tell you all about in detail.

Finally Ali made a desperate attempt to come back to the show and win Jake over, or at least get a chance to go sailing in St. Lucia, which do you think is more important? But Jake was having none of it and put his foot down at last. Who will get to meet Jake’s family of brilliant geniuses in the season finale? Find out all about it shortly!

Last night on Fantasia….fuhreal, Fanny decided to show her daughter that there was more to life than smoking joints and American Girl dolls by going back to school to get her GED. Bravo, Fanny. First good decision she’s made all season. Ricco got signed to a label, and asked Fanny to collaborate on a song with him. You know what that means? Of course. Weenie showed up, tried to get in on the track, and made a complete ass of himself. Weenster-you are not John Mayer. Unfortunately for you, your level of douchiness is not correlated to your level of talent. All in all, another uneventful episode. Weenie sucks, Ricco’s realistic about it, and Fanny enables it. The end.

Kell on Earth

This week on Kell on Earth, we get a presentation, which is a fashion show for when you have no money, a jerry rigged fashion show in a hotel lobby and more of Stephanie V. screwing up and telling us how she wasn’t trained. The presentation belonged to some asshole named Nicolas Petrou, who dressed his male models in full-body superhero socks, and I mean from head to toe. I don’t know they saw, and I don’t know how they breathed, but what does it really matter as long as yet another self-important designer deludes himself thinking that just cause it’s different – or could possibly cause asphyxiation – it’s genius. Naturally, this moron ends up offending every editor who was charitable enough to show up and humor his show, not getting any press and blaming Kelly for it. And then not paying for her services.

We then have the Agent Provocateur show, which has a last minute location change crisis, and the British version of Kelly as the brand’s PR rep, which is pretty fabulous. Especially considering Kelly hands it off to her “partner” Robyn to handle. Robyn’s main contribution seems to be meek confusion and blank gazes, and British Kelly pretty much runs over her like an ant under a pair of six inch platforms until the real Kelly shows up to save the day. Oh, and they have a really hard time casting the thing. Apparently there are no hot lingerie models in New York City. Back in the office, Stephanie V. manages to become embroiled in yet another stamp related invitation fiasco and makes Emily, the bitchy partner, really, really mad.

Olympics: Chooch

I don’t think I’ve seen so many people fall down skating since I took my kids to the local arena when they were 8 yrs. old. The Olympic pairs figure skating had my attention from the start. EVERYBODY fell down! It’s hard to believe these are the world’s best of the best. Well, to be fair, the top two medal winners, both from China, didn’t fall but made obvious mistakes. It was a real crash & burn night. I was glad to see the girls wearing old school white skates. I have always hated those flesh-colored covers. The costumes were also toned down from the previous night. I can’t think of one set standing out. I was impressed with the Canadian team wearing brown. No one ever wears brown. There’s one thing I miss & that’s the audience chucking stuff out onto the ice after a performance & these cute little girls staking out & picking them all up. I blame the terrorists! Tomorrow night begins the men’s figure skating short programs. Bring on the quad-triples & Evgeni Plushenko! He’s gonna eat up little Johnny Weir & his fur-wearing ass!

I have to give a shout-out to Seth Wescott & his gold medal wins in snowboarding cross. Two in a row! He’s a hottie too, but he just needs to shave off that little patch of hair under his lip. One thing I find annoying, on the outside tracks, is all this blue spray paint everywhere, marking the trails. Is it environmentally safe? Bring back all those collapsable flags that the competitors run into. It’s more entertaining to watch a skier get neutered straddling a flagpole.

A final note…. I already hate “Marriage Ref” & it hasn’t even aired yet. NBC promotes it a every single commercial break, which is a sure sign that it’s going to suck as bad as Jay.

Damages: Flipit

Damages has been kicking ass this season. So much so that I actually watched it on a Monday night instead of waiting a few days and catching it on the DVR. That’s a huge step for me. This season is a ripped from the headlines plot taken from the Bernie Madoff story. Glenn just wants to find the hidden billions, but it’s leading to all sorts of drama within the family and possibly lots of murders. We know that Tom doesn’t make it to season four already, and last night Madoff killed himself the week after his mistress almost died after the son hit him with her car then refused to take her to the hospital and put her on a plane to the Bahamas or something to keep her ass out of the news (and the fortune) instead. The plotlines to Damages never really sound all that exciting, but damn that show is good.

Lily Tomlin is playing Ruth Madoff, and I don’t know if it’s the plastic surgery that’s turned her into Donald Duck with a red wig that scares me so much, or if it’s her actual acting. Either way, she’s killing. And Martin Short as the shady defense lawyer who’s willing to kill his client’s son for drinking one minute and making funny faces in a TV shop’s display window the next is BRILL casting. I have no idea what’s going to happen this season, but I’m sure Rose Byrne will keep finding new and inventive ways to reinvent the pout face for every scene she’s in. Speaking of busted faces, what happened to Glenn’s son? His face wasn’t moving at all last night. Isn’t he like 20? Way too young for Botox kid! And also way too young to be having babies with forty year olds whose only motives seem to be sipping on your soul like a breakfast shake.

The big shock ending last night was the tearful flash forward revelation that Patty might have had Tom killed, but I’m not buying that for a second. We’re always supposed to believe she’s a serial killer until the last episode, and then she turns out to be a slightly disturbed hero. Well, except for killing that dog and almost Rose Byrne…ok never mind. Glenn’s evil is the reason to watch, and if she killed Tom I’m sure he deserved it. This show is turning me into one sick person.

24 Character Rankings: Dogsnaxx

1) Jack: Is either part orangutan, or he didn’t waste a moment of his time spent deep undercover on the failed mission to stop Cirque Du Soleil’s psychological attacks on America. Homeboy has some skillz with his feetz! Even more impressive: Jack launched his podiatric assault on the Russian mob immediately after being beaten, shocked, and having his stab wound mistaken for a Chinese Finger Trap!