Last night, Ellen made kids cry, Mocke made Sawyer cry, Gummi Bear made SexyPanda cry, and some bad girls took femdouchiness to an Olympic level.
On this week’s Lost, the episode opened with a POV shot of Smokey careening through the jungle and then morphing into Mocke. He asked Richard to join him, and told him that he’d explain all the super secret special things about the island that Jacob never bothered to mention, but Richard was really scared and didn’t stick around. Mocke then went to visit a super drunk and half naked Sawyer, and this time he managed to convince Sawyer to join him on his trek for answers (despite the fact that Sawyer figured out immediately that Mocke was not Locke). On the way to their destination, a blond boy shows up out of nowhere and says “You can’t kill him” to Mocke, and we think he’s one of those crazy invisible people, but Sawyer can see him too! Then Richard shows up, TERRIFIED, and tries to get Sawyer to follow him back to the temple, but Sawyer says no.
After climbing down a giant scary cliff, Mocke showed Sawyer a cave where Jacob had written many of the Losties’ names on the walls (the names were even paired with the famous Numbers) – according to Mocke, this is how and why each of them had ended up on the island, and it was all Jacob’s doing. Mocke explained that each of the people written on the wall were “candidates” to take over island protection duty from Jacob. But Mocke claimed the island doesn’t need no stinking protection, and that the best thing for them to do would be hightail it out of there. Sawyer concurs. On the other side of the island, Sun, Ilana, and Ben buried the real Locke, and Ben confessed that he had murdered him.
In the Alternate Universe, Locke was getting ready to marry Helen when he got fired from his job – luckily Hurley (who owned the company Locke worked for) met him in the parking lot and told him he’d get him a job with the temp agency he owns. Locke also met Rose (who also works for Hurley) and Ben (who is a teacher at the school where Locke got a job substitute teaching). Locke was falling into his whole pit-of-despair-pity-party self, and was going to call Jack for that consult about fixing his spine, but Alterna-Locke decided that people CAN tell him what he can’t do, as long as he can be happy doing the things he actually can do.
Millionaire Matchmaker: SexyPanda
This week on Millionaire Matchmaker, I thanked my lucky stars that I live alone and could shriek in horror without disturbing anyone. Jason “Gummi Bear” Davis is really a treat, isn’t he? I made this face just about the entire time he was on the screen.
Ya know, when he was talking, walking, smiling, breathing, staring at people through his sunglasses, showing his date his monkey (!), and so on. I also felt sick to my stomach, but I’ll blame my homemade faschtnauts for that. (Holla, PA Dutch!) Also, a mega-hot 51-year-old guy with some measure of social anxiety got hisself hooked up, and it was mostly boring. But I think he actually made a match–that is, until the last two minutes of the show! Come back later this week to hear just how disturbing El Gummador really is. (Seriously, SHRIEKING in horror. Loudly.) Cheers!
Bad Girls Club: Cherie
Last night, SwinefluBarbie returned. There is mucho mourning over Manly’s departure. Not. As tensions built between Kendra and Batshit, Batshit shelled out $500 on a weave for Kendra. People, I will be bald first.
Batshit invites some “friends” over and one she has especially picked out for Kendra. Because not only does she run L.A. She runs Kendra now too.
Looney and SwinefluBarbie spend some quality time together while the others hit Santa Barbara. While there Batshit has a fit about others using her makeup which somehow leads to Batshit being caught outside with an open container. Ticket time! This somehow leads to Kendra trying to be the wind beneath Batshit’s wings which only lead to a serious mudslinging, ass in the air, weave pulling fight outside. The police were quite busy last night.
If you want to know more, stay tuned. The full recap is on it’s way.
I’m still reeling from LOST giving me what I wanted last night & no, it wasn’t answers, it was questions! I love the fact that the writers are continuing to fuck with us! I will spend the whole week trying to dissect everything I saw & heard & that’s as it should be. I can’t wait for Ack’s recap.
As for the Olympics, well they weren’t quite as exciting, but the drama was still there. I have mixed feeling about some of the contenders. The press gives us such a bullshit story background, pushing some of these kids in our face so much that you want to see them fail. And then when they really do choke, I almost feel bad for them. There were two big chokers tonight. French figure skater, Brian Jobert was toted as the one to kick Russia’s Evgeni Plushenko’s ass with his quad/triple jumps. The dude couldn’t even complete one & even fell down. It was sad to watch & he’s such a hottie too. Johnny Weir disappointed the hell outta me. He was suppose to be so outrageous & nothing! He wasn’t even wearing anything crazy. He even skated well. I’m hoping he is just saving it for Thursday. USA World champ Evan Lysacek is the one who’s right on Plushenko’s heels. The Russian gold medalist smack-talked about Evan being a wuss at a news conference afterwards. Lysacek wussed out on doing a quad jump & has no plans to do one on Thursday either, stating he doesn’t want to re-injure his ankle. Plushenko said it’s just “going backwards in time”. I think he even called him a girly-man too, but don’t quote me on that.
Choker #2 was US snowboard cross runner Lindsey Jacobellis. This girl was so cocky in the last Olympics, thinking she had her race won & the gold medal, she showboated just before the finish line & fell down, losing it all. Well, she was bound & determined to redeem herself this time around. It was all the press could talk about. They showed the clips of her falling over & over. She proved herself last night. She proved she still sucks ass by careening off the track & disqualifying herself before she ever made it to the gold run. Canadian Maelle Ricker won the gold, but I’m sure Lindsey’s crash & burn will play over & over again, as before.
Tonight it’s all about the “half pipe” snowboarding competitions. These are awesome to watch. This is where snowboarding gets serious with the most outrageous & dangerous gravity defying tricks. Shaun White is the media darling in this event. He’s been famous since he was a little kid & defies anyone to beat him. He even has his own private half pipe built in the mountains of Colorado, that you can only get to by helicopter. It’s so he can practice in private & no one can steal his tricks. Oh yeh, Louie Vito, from this past season’s “Dancing with the Stars”, is also on Team USA, so he’ll be strutting his stuff tonight too.
One more thing… does anyone else think that Bob Costas has had a little botox done to his face?
American Idol: Flipit
The show changed the way they do things a little bit this year. Instead of making each terrified finalist sit in the center of a giant, empty ballroom to wait for their fate, now they sit on a slick talk show set with the judges. I know this season has had more pain than most (I had cancer! I had a broken ankle! My mom and dad fought over the phone bill!), so the Sally Jesse Raphael set makes sense I guess but it scared me cuz the last thing I wanna hear about it more manufactured drama to substitute for vocal talent. Some of the top 24 were announced last night, but not all. That’s for tonight! For a show that’s about singing, there wasn’t much of it last night. But what we did hear was pretty promising. It should be a kick ass season. I am not too attached to any of them yet, but I’m glad they sent the girl with the face paralysis home, cuz I didn’t want to make fun of her all year. Especially after I spent last season harping on Kris Allen’s sideways face.