About Last Night: American Idol, Olympics, Shear Genius, Toddlers and Tiaras, Real World

Last night, the top 24 was announced, people played games in Canada, hair cutters were all drama, Real Worlders were genuine and stuff, and it was generally not a flattering night for stage mothers all around.

You lost American Idol and your mom is never gonna speak to you again, apparently.

Olympics: Chooch

The Ginger wins his gold, adds a McTwist & his coach lands an f-bomb on live TV! God I love the Olympics. Snowboarding god, Shaun White did what he was expected to do, spank the competition in the halfpipe event. He was the winner before he ever made a second run. While celebrating their realization that they had already won, coach Bud Keene let the f-word slip. I had to run it back just to make sure.”Wait to fuckin’ go!” is what he said. Exactly what I thought too! Shaun then went out and did what amounted to an exhibition run & wowed the masses with his “Double McTwist 1260″. DWTS Louie Vito came in 5th. Len Goodman would have criticized his footwork & I’m sure Bruno & CarrieAnn would have had something to say about his abilities to “hold frame”… scoring an 8-7-8. Shaun, of course, a perfect TEN!

Over at the downhill track, the beautiful Lindsey Vonn grabbed the gold for the USA & her teammate, Julia Mancuso, won the silver. Lindsey was so sweet, she just cried her eyes out, she was so happy & relieved. Man those girls were haulin’ ass down that hill. Three skiers had crashed & burned, sliding down the slope on their backs instead of skis. None were seriously injured, but I thought the one was a goner. Her head bounced down that hill like a bowling ball. She plans to compete again tomorrow… now that’s conviction. I’d of quit & gone home.

Shani Davis won the gold for the USA in the 1000m speed skating race. I hate to say this, but it was the first black athlete I’d seen so far during the games. Short track speed skater, Apolo Ohno, one of my favorite DWTS winners, will race again on Saturday, trying to win a 7th medal & become the most medalled US athlete in the history of the Winter Games. Tonight is the men figure skating finals & it’s Plushenko vs Lysacek. These two prissy prima donnas are worse than the women, which makes it so fun to watch. And I don’t care what Doggsnaxx says, it IS a sport, Dick Button said so!!

This week’s Real World took a cue from the Olympics and aspired to inspire. It spent a LOT of time on Mike, which quite frankly was a welcome release from last week’s Annoying-Off between Odrama and Cliche.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but we may have actually witnessed genuine personal growth on the Real World last night! Either that or MTV has gotten crafty enough with its editing to fool me. Mike’s family came to visit and he apparently managed to admit (to both himself and them in the same episode) that he’s gay. His mom took it well, but his siblings seemed a little shocked. Also, he decided he loved his ex-boyfriend from back in Colorado despite hottie Eric’s continued awesomeness. Tanner (the ex-boyfriend) is going to come visit, so we’ll see how that goes.

In far more trivial news, the two resident “musicians” were competing to see who could find a band first. Josh “won,” and Cliche (in what has become her typical fashion) did NOT take it well. Because this episode mercifully featured very little screentime for Odrama, Cliche won Most Annoying this week. She continued to push the already high levels she set for Emo-ness and Clinginess. We also learned that Josh is a terrible singer. Raise your hand if that one shocked you.

On last night’s episode of Shear Genius, some guy who sells plastic boxes of fake hair made all the stylestants put some of it on their clients. The only problem was that their clients were all menz, and long hair on guys looks wack no matter how you style it. Don’t believe me? Think about this: nobody took Michael Bolton seriously until he chopped that stringy-ass shit off and started croaking operas, and even then the respect only lasted about 15 minutes before we all came to our senses and remembered “Said I Loved You… But I Lied” and went back to laughing uncontrollably. Poor Mikey B.

Also, I thought it wasn’t possible for 80 The Dirty Brit to become even more stereotypically disgusting, but he proved worthy of that challenge by managing to get sick and then whine and then puke. Then he got mad at his own vomit and stormed outside with it, leaving his poor client looking like he had a REALLY harsh asymmetrical bob (or… do any of you remember that guy who used to go on “Puttin’ On The Hitz” in the 80′s and lip-synch the duet “Endless Love” as a half-Lionel Richie / half-Diana Ross impersonator?… yeah, well that guy looked sexier than 80′s client). Oh, and Amyrexia had a total dickbag for a client, just WAIT till I get a chance to talk some shit about THAT asshole.

For their Elimination Challenge the stylestants were asked to style male-female pairs of models for a photoshoot that was a mock-up of the covers of fake Romance Novels, which meant that everybody had to find a way to make their guy into Fabio, only less flamboyantly heterosexual. Talk about a challenge! The tensions between BrigADiva and the rest of the group are starting to come to the forefront, so that’s pretty bitchy and delicious, but as for the challenge itself, once again it seemed frivolous compared to the difficulty of the ShortCut Challenge. Plus, don’t they use ILLUSTRATIONS for the covers on most of those kind of dreckbooks these days!?!? And what model in their right mind wants to step up and become Fabio II? Besides, have you ever READ any of that shit? I did one time just to see what it was like, and when I got to the part where the writer was describing the man’s throbbing manly turgid manhood straining manfully at his man-pants, I thought “This isn’t so bad…” but then I got to the part where he was licking port wine cheese spread off of the woman’s heaving breasts and I thought “This is–” and then I puked. And then I got mad at it and stormed outside. Um, so anyhow, working on the recap now, check back in a couple of days for the full boogie tilt of it all.

Ah, the season finale doesn’t disappoint. Remember Eden, the Anna Nicole Smith look-alike and her crazy hand-puppeted mother? They are back with a vengeance. I find it ironic mom will spend $80K on pageants but God forbid she buys real puppets. Janene has a mother who openly admits that the pageants are more for her than her daughter and you can tell dad is waaay over spending that much money on kids. Unfortunately, he’s too whipped to really stand up against his wife ” the upside is she probably doesn’t require any sexing up so maybe it’s worth the cash outlay? “Veteran” at nine, Brooke is way over the hill as she attempts to add to her collection of tall, tall trophies, and includes dad in the pageant with her. Actually, his participation and interest in this is pretty cool, just don’t tell anyone I said so!

American Idol: Flipit

The new Chicken Little made it!! A huge deal wasn’t made of this last night, but I was thrilled. He wears jeans up to his rib cage, how could I not be? Yes, the top 24 was cemented last night, as American Idol went back to producing a quick, slick trainwreck of humanity. It took two hours to announce seven people and one hour for the rest. How that makes sense I have no idea, but I am kinda glad they spent two hours on Tuesday cuz otherwise we wouldn’t have seen the breakdown of that evil rocker hag and we wouldn’t have had so many shots of her goblin child.

The chunky black guy who sang “Man in the Mirror” (the gay one, not the other chunky black guy who sang “Man in the Mirror”. An anorexic black man who bleached himself white made that song popular, so what’s the deal with large proud black men and that damn song? Large black men, stop it. Just stop. Copacabana, now there’s a song!) was ousted and cried like a little (giant) biatch. He was also the one with the overbearing screaming stage mother that was everywhere he was hogging camera time….when he was advancing. When he lost that psycho was nowhere to be found. Nice mothering, lady!!

That girl who’s dad and daughter were sick the first time she auditioned and went to jail the second time she auditioned kinda had her shit together this time. And by had her shit together I mean no one died or was imprisoned. It didn’t matter. She was rejected again! She should have known when Skara was the one to speak to her. That’s a bad sign, cuz Skara and Randy always gave the bad news. And Skara sat right next to her and whined and patted her shoulder for like five minutes before telling her she was out. It’s painful enough without having to listen to Skara whine and have to look her in the eyes and stuff. This show is so wrong, and I love it. It looks like the season Skara’s gonna fully come out of her neurotic ass shell and I for one can’t wait. Chickbomb has a recap of all the antics coming in the morning, and for a full list of the top 24 go here.