Last night, the Kardashians bowed for at least a month, people played sports, we got fascinating insight into 7-11, blonde girls made idiots out of themselves and still took the lead in the race, and we just might have been gifted a new housewife!
Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Manda Mo
Last night was the season finale of Keeping Up with the Kardashians! Can you believe we’ve already wrapped another season of this stuff, Gasmii? It seems like only yesterday that we were watching Khloe pee on a stick and Rob get beat up in a boxing match. But all good things must come to a faux-drama end.
However, with every end, there is a new beginning. Of course I’m talking about the birth of Baby Mason Disick. In the beginning of the episode, Mom threw a baby shower for Kourtney. She sobbed while giving a toast because everything is all about her. And while Kourtney is about to birth a human from her womb, Mom plays the trump card because she gets to be a grandmother for the first time, and she’s wanted to be a grandmother her entire life. A wrinkle-less, non-cookie-baking, smooth-face grandmother, of course.
If you remember last week, Kourtney and Scott were totally on the rocks due to his perineal douchebag behavior. She even went as far as changing the locks on the doors of their house to keep him from coming home. Well, the Kardashians are still REELING from all that drama. Kourtney still insists that she’s done and Mom can’t even hear his name without cringing. But of course he crashes the baby shower with his mullet and Willy Wonka suit, and no one is happy to see him.
But you know what can fix almost ANY bad relationship? A baby! Baby Mason explodes forth from Kourtney’s vagina and she actually PULLS HIM OUT HERSELF. Like, reaches down, grabs his little baby shoulders and yanks that sucker out. After I went to throw up, I came back to find Kourtney and Scott rekindling. Geez. Also in this episode, Kim faints from working too hard and tries to better manage her career. Everyone who has a real job can laugh right now.
Amazing Race: Bbitz
Last night on “The Amazing Race” we learned never to judge a blonde by her ability to tell time or answer a pageant question coherently. Those girls took the lead! What the WHAT?!
Teams are still getting to know each other (ie, ways they can use/abuse each other) and take off from their last Chilean destination to head towards Chilean farm country. The Big Brother Team takes off on a great first step by screaming “BUS” at their taxi driver. They speak a foreign language as well as my mother does – by which I mean they scream English slowly and with great exaggeration of the hands. Watching these two scream-speak their way across many countries is gonna make to SO worth watching!
How much longer will the Chileans last before smacking the half brain out of these ass clowns?! Are the Cowboys gonna fertilize their Levi’s when they see farm country once again?! Stay tuned and check back soon for the full recap!
Undercover Boss: Alejandra
Last night on “Undercover Boss” the CEO of 7-11 learned that people who work for 7-11 either hate their jobs or are incredibly naiive. He also finds out that some stores are throwing away their excess shitty baked goods as opposed to giving them to charities. There are no hot dogs on the floor returned to the grill, no addicts shooting heroin in the bathrooms and no, NO armed robberies. That “Simpsons” episode where James Woods shadows Apu at the Kwiki-Mart was more entertaining AND more revealing.
“Oh my gravy!” I’ve traveled miles by bus, wrangled llamas, witnessed an exhilarating game of hockey, travelled across the border to a Mexican compound, witnessed two executions and worked the night shift at the 7-11. I’m exhausted!
Team USA kicked ass in hockey at the Olympics, beating the home team of Canada. I felt kinda bad for the Canucks, but in the last few minutes, for them to go to a 6-man defense and leave their goal defenseless was crazy. I know they were behind by one, but this didn’t do anything but let the U.S. score and put them TWO points behind. They were done then. 5-3 final score! Team USA will have a bye now and Canada goes to the quarter-finals. They will go up against their real rivals, the Russians. Did you know that Canada and the U.S. are the only two teams in the Olympics that are entirely made up of NHL players? All pros!
I also watched the ice dancing. It wasn’t any more exciting than the other night and they STILL have one more night to go!!! WTF? The U.S. couple, who came in 2nd, said that the hockey team’s win inspired them to go for it… okay? I’m sorry, but the girl has the features of a bull terrier. Her eyes are too far apart. Their Bollywood dance was pretty amazing though. I’m ready for the female figure skating to start on Tuesday. It’s really tragic that Canada’s champion, Joannie Rochette’s mom died unexpectedly yesterday. She hasn’t given any interviews and still plans to skate Tuesday.
I watched Apolo Ohno win his 7th medal in speed skating Saturday night. It was so exciting. That Korean dude grabbed his ass, cut him off and slowed him down to last place, but he still managed to catch up and grab the bronze. It was all he needed to break Bonnie Blair’s record. Before the race, the cameras were on him constantly and all he did was yawn, over and over again. He got me yawning and everyone in the stands was yawning too. The whole viewing audience was yawning right long with him. I’m yawning right now just remembering it. I found out today that he does that on purpose. It’s to get as much oxygen into his lungs as he can before the race. It also settles his nerves. All I know is I just wanted to nap after watching that.
As for my other comments… I watched the “Amazing Race” and love those cowboys! “Big Love” was the craziest it’s ever been. It’s gotten so far-fetched, that I shake my head the whole time I’m watching it. Do I turn it off? Hell no, it’s too whacked-out to stop now. As for the executions, King Henry VIII had Cardinal John Fisher and Sir Thomas More beheaded and I was devastated. I’m talking about “The Tudors” on Showtime. I can only hope that next week he gets around to cutting off Anne Boleyn’s head. That bitch can’t go soon enough for me. “Undercover Boss” was the CEO of the gazillion 7-11 stores. I can say this much, he was better at it than the Hooters boss. I half expected him to give poor Dolores his kidney… or buy her a new one. We shall see….
Desperate Housewives: Flipit
Last night, Desperate Housewives centered around the new stripper on the block. That was the first twist, cuz the stripper is played by Julie Benz and she’s already been on like three episodes. Marc Cherry loves to waste good actresses in meaningless guest spots, yet she’s still here. Not being wasted!! New leaf? No idea, but the girl even managed to make Lynnette’s storyline more interesting, and that’s no small feat. In a nutshell, Tom learned he’ll get more sex if he shows Lynnette he cares by changing the lightbulbs or something. Gabby’s storyline was as heartless as always: she shipped her niece off to some old pervy “modeling agent” in New York so she’ll be away from the Bolen kid after hearing his parents fight about recycling terrorism. Seriously, Drea Matteo is a recycling terrorist. The “mysteries” on this show never cease to amaze me. Wait did I say amaze? I meant confound. No, that’s not the word either. There are “mysteries” on the show, every year. There.
Bree stripping to Tchaikovsky in an attempt to give her paralyzed husband a boner was definitely a highlight of the epi, but the real stars were Benz and Katherine, who’s back on the street (instasane) and considering lesbianism after letting stripper move in!!!! I couldn’t believe that. I was cheering out loud, and this show hasn’t made me do that in a loooong time. Stripper could be the new housewife?!? Love where this is going, and overall the hour was funny and solid the whole way through. One thing, though. Don’t get too happy cuz this is DH and Marc Cherry likes to mess with us. My prediction is the lesbianism will last about four episodes before stripper is killed off by the strangler. I hate even thinking that cuz I’m loving the character, but Julie Benz isn’t having the luckiest year and Marc Cherry is intent on keeping me pissed off at all times.