About Last Night: 24, Bachelor, Kell on Earth, Channel Surfing

Last night on TV, Johnny Weir made some solo sparkles on his own show, a bunch of women told us nothing disguised as everything, we met the man that made a baby with Kell, and the Dana storyline got even sillier on 24.

Can we just start the season over and bring her on as Starbuck?

Kell on Earth: Chickbomb

Finally we get the Kell on Earth drama that we’ve been waiting for! We start off at a post-fashion week cocktail party where the interns and their fearless leader, Steph V. are running wild. Maybe no one ever trained her on the difficult concepts of phone messages and making lists, but she seems to have picked up standing around with a glass of champagne while she’s supposed to be working really quickly. Amazing how that worked. I’ll save all the juicy details for the recap, but suffice to say, Steph V. is no longer with us.

Kelly and her wannabe Kellys, Emily and Robyn, head across the pond for London fashion week and the office is left to Steph Skinner and the Andrews to manage. They hire a new Steph V., only to have to fire her twenty minutes later after they discover she Tweeted her entire, brief experience at People’s Rev. It’s truly classic. Over in London, we meet Kelly’s Baby Daddy who is gorgeous, Italian and probably unemployed. They made a cute kid, though. Then Kelly kicks a bunch of people out of their seats at a fashion show, which is always great fun. Back in NYC, while the cat’s away…Ativan Andrew stresses out over – you guessed it – a list, then goes tanning, and Skinner and Goth Andrew take the afternoon off to go drinking. Now there’s stress management I can really get onboard with.

The Bachelor: HoneyGangsta

Last night on The Bachelor, the women told… not that much. They managed to turn it into a two-hour extravaganza, however, so we got to see a bunch of former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants cavorting in Las Vegas, getting wasted and hooking up with each other. They also participated in some charity activity in an attempt to not look like utter losers, but they’re not fooling me.

Nanny Elizabeth admitted that she was kind of an idiot on the show, Crazy Michelle admitted nothing (except that The Bachelor isn’t the way to find love), and Mean Ali dramatically lamented her regrettable decision to choose work over love. Then she apologized publicly for being such a snot to Wiener. If you ask me, she’s warming up America for her announcement to be the next Bachelorette.

Rozlyn inexplicably agreed to come back and answer questions about “entering into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers,” and it turned into a pissing contest between her and Chris Harrison, but really didn’t clear anything up. A few of the girls volunteered information about seeing her cuddling and even kissing a producer, but the most damning evidence was from a girl who said there was one night where she couldn’t find Rozlyn anywhere. Huh? Case closed, I guess. Rozlyn was pretty pissed off, clearly, and lobbed a few insults at Chris, but the girls and the crowd were clearly against her. I still don’t really care one way or the other. I just don’t understand: 1) Why she agreed to come back to talk about it, she must have been under contract. 2) Why have we not heard one thing from the guy supposedly involved in this. Logically wouldn’t he have some answers?

Finally Jake came out and said that when Gia left his heart was crying (even though his face was doing nothing of the sort). He also sniffled and said he wished he had gotten to know Christina better because he needs a shopping partner, then he decided to throw caution to the wind and propose on the spot to Chris Harrison, unable to hold in his true feelings any longer. It was a long night.

Channel Surf: Chooch

I’m getting burnt out on the Olympics. I didn’t really watch much of them last night. I FF’d thru the ice dancing. I felt committed to seeing who won after spending two nights of prep work that lead up to a winner. Canada won the gold & the U.S. the silver.

I switched to “Hoarders” on A&E & it was a repeat, so I started hunting for a movie. I stumbled onto a real treat. How come no one told me about “Be Good Johnny Weir” on Sundance? What a delightful half-hour of everything Johnny. It’s a docudrama of his life this past year, leading up to whether he makes the Olympic team. There are 8 episodes & apparently I’ve missed a couple. Oh well, they repeat them during the week. a new one airs every Monday night at 10:30pm.

I got to see him break up with his bitchy boyfriend, who claimed he moved because it was almost time to prepare for a new season & Johnny’s impossible to live with during training. Our Diva disagreed, saying the precious Paris just wanted a more exciting life in NYC. He had to move to a smaller apartment because he couldn’t afford the one he was living in anymore. Mom & Dad packed him up & moved him while he was away & he had a major melt-down when he returned. Seems Johnny has a bit of OCD & confesses that he has to vacuum before he leaves the house so when he returns, the lines are in the carpet. “Now that I live alone, I see that I’m good when I’m alone. I see that I can do all kinds of things by myself. Sex included.”

Another episode followed & Johnny was preparing to do his off-season appearances, which is when he makes his money for the next season. His mom explained that if “you have a child in figure skating, you no longer have retirement money”. I loved watching him teach a group of young girls the art of the jump. He was so into it, telling them: “Don’t be scared ever to fall down, you’ve already done that a million times, you know how it feels…. It’s like, you have to fall to be able to land, so just go for it.” I loved it & him, especially when he trash talks about his arch enemy, Evan Lysacek! (who won the Gold.)

The best part is his interaction with the people around him, his agent, his mom, his choreographer & his mean as hell coach, Galina Zmievskaya, a formidable Russian woman who wants everything her way. Everyone’s afraid of her. Next week he goes to Russia for their Nationals & get to meet Evgeni Plushenko for the first time. Even thought I know how it all turns out, I don’t care. I’m fascinated with this cute little pouty, flamboyant attention-seeker. I season-passed the rest of the episodes.

’24′ Character Rankings: Episode 9: Dogsnaxx

10) President Taylor: Since she set a new low bar for Presidential screen time this week (read: zero), allow me to fill in the blanks on what she was up to for the last hour. Buzzing from her Conference Call binge and in need of a little R&R, President Taylor retired to her personal quarters for a Calgon bath, a nice cup of chamomile tea, and a session with what the secret service calls “buddy” (her gold-plated and Presidential Seal encrusted vibrator). She’ll be back glowing and rejuvenated next week.

9) Rob Weiss: Finally got a semblance of his own plot line (other than enabling President Taylor’s conference call addiction). Turns out he’s a slimy little ass covering weasel (in the grand ’24′ tradition) who wants to pin all of our National Security screw-ups preemptively on Renee. I’m wondering if Ho-Livia got a sex change in prison and then infiltrated her mother’s administration again?

8) Farhad: Someone forgot to give Ol’ Farhad the memo that when you double-cross your family or allies on ’24′, you are vulnerable to triple and quadruple crosses down the road. First the Russians turned on him and then his own Countrymen decided he was expendable now that they have the rods. He’s like the Billy Carter or Roger Clinton of the Islamic Republic of Kamistan.

7) Kevin and Nick: Weren’t so dumb after-all. Their choice of a strip club in Jersey was inspired now that we know they literally lived in a van down by the river (we miss you Chris Farley!). It takes a Jersey Girl to give it up for two drug-smokin’, borderline-homeless hillbillies. Also, now that they are dead I’m going to miss their bumbling and torturing of Jenny. The season will be a little less fun without them.

6) Boss Hastings: He confuses me so much! 40% of the time, I think he’s an incompetent jack-hole who was sent to ruin my enjoyment of this season. Another 40% of the time I think he’s hilarious. This mostly occurs when he’s being owned by Chloe’s sass-talk or undressing some chick from the Justice Dept. with his eyes. And then there’s yet another 20% of the time when he’s deferring to Jack’s better judgment and seems like a decent guy who is simply in over his head. It’s like the ‘United States of Brian Hastings’ or ‘Sybil’ or something. I hope they pick one personality and run with it for the rest of the season.

5) Renee: Is still bumming me out. I really want my ass-kicking Renee back. All she did this episode was look helpless as Jack and Chloe tried valiantly to save her ass, and then roll over for the scary Justice Dept. woman. About the only positive feedback I can give her is that she sure cries pretty. If they ever remake ‘Ghost’, she’s a shoo-in for the Demi Moore role.

4) Jen-Dana: Showed up at the Hillbilly Gypsy Camp and then proceeded to sit there and do nothing for the entire episode, giving Cole ample time to swoop in and foil her revenge plans. In her defense, just as she was about to leave the car, she picked up a live jug-band jamboree on her satellite radio and got lost in memories of sittin’ and whittlin’ on the front porch back home with her toothless Meemaw and Peepaw.

3) Cole: I finally see the attraction between him and Dana now. They are literally the stupidest CTU agents in the history of ’24′! You’d think he should rate lower for abandoning his post during a huge nuclear threat on the United States and leaving the Ops Team in the less-than-capable hands of 15 year-old Agent Owen…but you’d be wrong. He’s Forrest to Dana’s Jenny…and everyone loves Forrest.

2) Chloe: I still wish they’d give her something more to do this season…but her snarky comments and sass talk to the incompetent boss man keep her in the Silver-Medal slot.

1) Jack: Who gets to storm into CTU HQ, beat the crap out of a couple of guards, physically threaten a woman from the Justice Dept., and not only get away with it all but end the hour pretty much running the whole show? Jack, that’s who!