Last night, girls rolled around in mud, terrorists played silly games and jumped out of windows, and Fantasia was fuh real, k?
This should be the new Bachelorette.
Fantasia For Real: HappyHousewife
Last night on Fantasia For Real, The Weenster engages in more useless posturing to prove what a rockstar he really isn’t-he looks into getting his own place. I was impressed until the house he was interested in is a rental that goes for $1000 a month. Boss, indeed. Fanny finally completes the GED placement exam, and is assessed at a 7th grade level….well, in her defense, that’s about four grades higher than I would have placed her. And in the non surprise of the week, we meet Fanny’s dad via a phone call, and we finally find out where Weenie gets his douchiness from. Let’s just say none of these kids had a chance with a dude like that donating half of their DNA.
The Bachelor: HoneyGangsta
Last night on The Bachelor, Jake thought a lot. He thought a lot, talked a lot and cried a lot. We finally met the glorious Pavelka family, who finally met Jake’s top two choices. First up was Princess Tenley, who wasted no time telling Jake’s mom and dad (separately) about her ex-husband and how her post traumatic stress disorder has proven to her that she is ready to be a wonderful wife, daughter-in-law, and sister-in-law. Then she jumped into the pool with Jake fully clothed to show she is fun, too! The Pavelkas LOVED Princess Tenley.
Wiener met them next and they weren’t big fans… at first. They all wanted to know why she couldn’t get along with the other girls. What was Wiener’s problem? But then she shed tears and told them each how much she loved Jake so they forgave her and decided she was all right.
On Jake’s last date with Princess Tenley he told her that he felt like they had great emotional chemistry, but not-so-great physical chemistry… but great sexual chemistry. Princess had no idea what he meant and neither did anyone else. She cried and determined to prove to him that night that they had great physical chemistry.
Wiener used her last date to roll around in sulfur mud with Jake, smear it on his chest, then trace the words “I love you” into said mud on said chest. Jake smeared mud right back onto Wiener and giggled excessively. Wiener gave Jake the ring her daddy had given her as a “promise ring” and told him that she’s ready to give him her heart.
Jake met with a product placement ring guy then worried really hard about whom to choose. The next day Jake strolled out onto the Proposal Platform and waited for each girl to arrive via helicopter. Princess Tenley stepped out first, spelling her doom. She and Jake cried their eyes out while he told her there was just something missing, but he’d never forget her. Then Wiener landed and usurped Jake’s speech by telling him she would be lost without him. He gave her the daddy ring back because it’s just creepy, then knelt down and offered her the product placement engagement ring, which she grabbed right up.
On the After the Final Rose Special, Princess Tenley got no answers, Wiener denied all the tabloid rumors, Jake and Wiener danced to a live performance of “On the Wings of Love” for a full ten minutes, then Ali was announced as the next Bachelorette. Surprised? Me neither. Stay tuned for all the exciting details!
24 Character Rankings: Dogsnaxx
10) Cole: We’re going to play “Choose Your Own Punch Line” for Cole this weekâ€¦’cuz he deserves it!
Cole has been dragged down to 10th place on our list this week like ________________
A) A Hillbilly in a stone-filled sleeping bag sinking to the bottom of a Jersey Swamp.
B) A once-promising young man who totally got whipped and hitched to the WRONG Dairy Queen Cone-Slinger.
C) My heart into the pit of my stomach if I ever realized that the chick wearing my ring is still in love with the corpse that I’m disposing of for her benefit.
9) Renee: Debbie Downer gets saved from last place by Cole’s stupidity. Want to know how far gone Renee is? The girl could barely crack half a smile when Jack told her that he totally wanted to bone her when the season was over. If she can’t get excited about getting laid, then she might be a lost cause all together. I’m holding out hope, but I think she needs meds and a bed.
8) Marco: Ahâ€¦the Boy Terrorist. It’s so hard to hate him. He’s like the Elmo of Islamofascism! I just kept looking at his gigantic crazy puppy dog eyes and wondering where it all went wrong. My theory centers on Rob Lowe. When Marco was really young, Rob Lowe pissed him off by making a mockery of his mother’s Spanx. Therefore, his anger led to joining the terrorists so that when the New World Order takes over, he can make Mare Winningham the star she always deserved to be. Makes sense, right?
7) Kayla Hassan: I don’t want to slut-shame her, because home girl definitely pulled some quality tail in Tarin. But, since this is America and we believe things like stoning sluts to death is wrong, I’ll STUPID shame her instead. Here goes: It is stupid to be a slut when you are on â€˜24′, which is an action/political-thriller television program on the Fox Network. On THIS show, when you go against your parents’ wishes and slut-it-up, you wind up in great danger or used as bait against aforementioned highly-influential parents. Kim Bauer made the mistake WAY back in Season 1, and it keeps happening every season because this is a FAMILY show and you aren’t supposed to be a slut, Kayla! I don’t think you are a bad person, and you can turn in around if you stop doing slutty things right now! Capisce?
6) Boss Hastings: I like this dude a LOT better now that he’s finally caught some of Jack’s religion! Not only did he stand up to slime-ball Rob Weiss, but more importantly he authorized the use of the corpse of a foreign President’s Brother as bait in a totally insane operation. Operation Zombie in full effect! Praise Bauer! Hallelujah!
5) President Hassan: Just when I was ready to write him off, he redeemed himself by proving to be a true-family man and willing to fall on his sword for his country and stay in the UN Building until his mess is cleaned up. Plus, he got to bond with Prez Taylor over slutty daughters throwing wrenches in the works. Good hour for Prez H.
4) President Taylor: Manâ€¦she got her telecom fix and then some this week! Her dealer even threw in a sweet-ass Cisco TelePresence video-conference with Tim Woods, some doctor dude, and a third person who didn’t get to speak at all. Things are pretty, pretty groovy in Prez T Land. Although, I bet her buzz did harsh up a bit when she realized the silent dude from the video chat was kind of a wasted hit. She could have saved him for a quick video-less conference or at least a cell phone blast later on, or something!
3) Owen: I’m sorry for talking shit about 15-year-old Owen last week. As far as I’m concerned, the kid made the leap not only to varsity, but to the All-State Team for his performance this week. All he needed was the right coach. Welcome to the big leagues Owen!
2) Chloe: Was all eagle-eyes and calmly takin’ control of operations this week. She’d make a great head of CTU if they go for another season.
1) Jack: I bet Jack could kick Chuck Norris’ ass and that whole Internet Meme needs to change. Yeah, I said it!