About Last Night: America’s Best Dance Crew, Models, Rebabbers, Bones, and Channel Surfing

There was all kinds of stuff going on in TV land last night. Anorexics using their vocal chords, heroin mysteries being solved, and tours of Chinese food factories. Come on in!

The face that inspired Kung Pow Beef.

America’s Best Dance Crew and Models of the Runway: PottyMouth

Last night America’s Best Dance Crew started it’s fifth season with a new judge and a semi recycled “audition” round. Lil Mama alternated between looking like a gay chicken and a homeless person adorned with an unraveled body scrubber. But her sausage bangs were pristine.

Mario’s package was disturbingly distracting. There was, of course, no mention of Shane, but I didn’t expect there would be, but Randy Jackson was there to yell out a giant “YO!” before disappearing until the finale.

Five crews came to show their stuff; but only three crews moved forward. Omarion is boring and lame and sucks as a replacement for Shane, but the audition clips with Hok were great; why couldn’t he be the new judge? I don’t even care if what he says makes sense; his accent is soooooo purty.

All I know is that it is sad, sad, sad when you look around and realize that JC is now your favorite judge. Hell has truly frozen over. And he appreciates that. Recap coming soon, so check out the archives here to remember last season.

Over on Models of the Runway, Megan was chastised for talking on the runway. Megan! The first rule of modeling is that you don’t talk about the modeling! Just smile and wave, Megan, smile and wave.

The Bitch Niche continue to live up to their name, and over a pint or two at the local pub talk about Megan’s lack of manners. This from four bitches who sat around at an industry party giving everyone the stink eye! Guess what? Sophia is not there to teach her manners!

Old Eyes tells her fellow hags that the reason she is looking so haggard lately is that it’s been almost three months since she last bathed in virgin blood. Kristina can help. They will find some naive virgin and Kristina’s fat and ugly brother will pretend he likes her. They will go out for a moonlight row boat ride, and then, they will have her!

But before Old Eyes will be allowed to bathe in her blood she will have to get a tattoo of Janice Dickinson on her buttocks. Old Eyes is in.. Cerri prefers to bathe in Guinness. Sophia did not come here to bathe in virgin blood. She’s allergic.

How did it all end? Don’t look at me! I fell asleep, my brain unable to handle so much excitement in a single evening. You tell me, was Old Eyes looking better?

Celebrity Rehab: TwuntyMcSlore

A few questions got answered last night, like where did the balloon of heroin come from. Thank goodness that it wasn’t Mikey, or he’d be gone. Mack kept monopolizing group sessions like the good little therapy gobbler she is, and Tom was back! I was hoping that he wouldn’t throw away this opportunity, and he didn’t. The bad news is that his girlfriend could easily play a crackhead on one of those CSI/NCI shows. They wouldn’t even need hair and makeup.

Joey’s ‘roid rage went into full gear but Dr. Drew had some anger therapy that I personally have tried and found to be amazingly helpful. There’s nothing like hitting stuff with a sledgehammer to calm a person down and make him sleep like a baby, except heroin of course. I kid, I kid! Also, Rodman doled out some really bad advice and the rest we will go over in my recap. To check out the Celeb Rehab archives in the meantime, go here.

Other Shows We Watched: Bones: Mones

For those of you who’ve never watched it, Bones is the story of socially retarded, anthropology-loving, logical genius, Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan and popular jock, FBI agent, sex machine, Seely Booth. Together they solve murders and fill the room with the stench of their sexual tension. Bones is rational; Booth is emotional. Potayto, potahto, let’s call the whole thing off!

Last night on Bones, Booth’s baby brother, Jared, returned from his motorcycle trip across India with a little Calcutta cutie and Vincent Nigel-Murray joined us as our Intern of the Week. As if it matters, the Skeletor of the week was a gay football-playing dentist. Why GLAAD keeps bitchin’ about the lack of gay characters on network television I’ll never know.

The real story last night was Jared’s return. He’s back and he’s in love. He also has a second head growing out of his forward. Seriously, guy. ProActive. It worked for me! His Mumbai Mama’s name is Padme Amidala Dalaj and she’s dreamy. Booth is happy for his brother so he, naturally, runs a background check on her. Man, I miss interning at the Sheriff’s Department…um, yeah…OK, so before Padme taught grade school in Virginia she used to be an escort. You know, to pay for tuition and books and stuff. Booth tells Jared about it and Jared flips. Not because he didn’t know, but because he can’t believe Booth is being a hypocrite. You see, Booth believes love conquers all. He doesn’t care what people think. But he does seem to care that his brother wants to marry a whore. OK, ex-whore. But really I think he’s jealous that Jared’s gettin’ it from the hot Indian chick with the cool Star Wars-esque name and he can’t even make it to first base with the nerd with the dumb nickname. In the end, Bones makes him see the error of his ways and Booth is finally OK with Jared tarnishing the family name and darkening up the gene pool.

Channel Surfing: Chooch

With so much to watch last night, I almost had a remote control meltdown. Project Runway was everything I hoped it would be & I was very happy with the final ‘Auf Wiederschen’. I can’t wait to read the recap now. Celebrity Rehab had me slack-jawed at times. Best season ever! Over at CBS, Jeff Probst unveiled his new hour-long, feel good TV show & I really tried to watch it objectively. It was supposed to make me want to get off my ass & start living, just by watching people who had fought to live & change their lives, do it. That didn’t last long. I never made it to the end. Every time Jeff opened his mouth to tell the much-deserved family what their next adventure would be, it was like he was telling his “survivors” about their next challenge. Probst is stuck in his game show mode. Maybe there’s an audience out there that likes these kinds of shows. The same ones who watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, they’re just not for me. I like to get my cheesy moments on the Hallmark Channel. That’s what it’s for. And definitely not on a Thursday night!

I switched to Food Tech, a new show on the HISTORY Channel. This fat dude, Bobby Bognar, who loves food, takes us to the source of where all this food we eat comes from, literally. This week it was a great American staple, take-out Chinese food! I got to see ducks fucking and learned how they get soy sauce in the little packets & what’s really in an egg roll. He even took me to the factory that makes all those little white cartons with the pagodas on the front. Did you know that there are more Chinese restaurants in the U.S. than BK’s, McD’s & KFC’s combined? It’s true cuz it was on the History channel. Oh & I got to see the fortune cookie factory.

Here’s another little fact. Back in 2005, a tri-state powerball lottery was really upset when their 2nd place winnings rose to over $20 million in pay-outs. They thought at first it was a “quick-pick” error, but when the winners started coming in to collect their money, they found out that all the numbers had been hand picked. When asked where they got their numbers, the winners said “a fortune cookie”. It was traced back to the fortune cookie factory & the numbers were computer picked & placed in the cookies by the thousands. Wasn’t that fascinating. Well, it was better than watching Jeff Probst try to be caring……