About Last Night: Kitchen Nightmares, Survivor, Project Runway, Models of the Runway, and American Idol

Last night, idols hid in unexpected places, gave acceptance speeches, and tried to convince us they were country stars while models had a pool party and ole Gordo Ramsey made people cry. All in all a good night. Come on in!

I’d like to thank the Academy for this thrilling honor. And of course GOD, who I know very well. Call me!

Kitchen Nightmares: Chooch

Gordon Ramsey did what he does best. He belittled and humiliated the owner of a restaurant and sent her scurrying to the ladies room to hide from him. Kitchen Nightmares never ceases to entertain me. After being in the business myself for 25 years, I can relate to all that’s happening on my TV.

This week it was the Lido Restaurant in Manhattan Beach, CA. A very young Lisa, fresh out of business school bought the place 5 years ago and didn’t have a clue how to run it. By the way, she’s screwing the bartender too. Ramsey manages to shame her in front of all her customers by inviting them into the kitchen to show them how dirty it is. This is what sends her crying to the bathroom. After he performs his magic, fixing the place up and changing the menu, she gets on board and takes control of things. Not for long. The chefs, who’ve worked there for 18 years, stage a walk-out during the all-important grand re-opening.

Never fear, Gordan calls in the cavalry! Chef Scott from Hell’s Kitchen to the rescue!!! He takes right over and after Lisa gets her chefs to cancel their prolonged cigarette break, things start pouring out of the kitchen, Total Success. I have been googling these restaurants after they air on his show, just to see what’s what. Most of the time, the critics complain that after Ramsey leaves, these places go back to their old ways of poor service and cold food. The reviews for The Lido are overwhelmingly good. People still love the place.

Models of the Runway: PottyMouth

On last night’s Models of the Runway we find out that everyone hates Witchie Poo! Oh wait, we already knew that. Heidi decides to reward the models with a pool party, so if twigs in bikinis is your thing be prepared to get all hot and bothered.

The girls make a pact to not talk about work at the pool. Someone talks about work. Can you guess who?

In the end, one of them is sent packing, but you’ll have to come back for the full recap to find out who that is! See you there!

Survivor: Schoonie

Coach comes back from Tribal Council sad because Sandra called him a poophead, and Tyson straight up tells him all the reasons why everyone hates him, and it is awesome. Later Rob pulls Coach back from the brink in time for the villains to win the reward challenge. So, the reason why no one’s heard a thing about any idols yet in episode 4? Is because they have been hiding clues IN THE REWARDS, which is awesome.

While the Villains are going through their spoils, they uncover the idol clue and agree that no one should go after it, or they will be summarily voted out. And of course, Russell, the king of subtlety, makes it absolutely obvious when he ignore them and goes to look for it, hopefully resulting in his demise next week. Meanwhile, the Heroes find their clue in the coffee from last week, and they end up hearing the clue as a group too. A total free for all ensues, and Tom manages to get to it first. He tries to hide it, but Amanda catches him hiding it and outs him to everyone else. When the Heroes lose another immunity challenge (which the Villains totally should have thrown to get rid of Russell, by the way), Tom leverages his immunity idol to try and form a new alliance with JT/James/Amanda. They agree to get rid of Candace, but when Cirie pitches a fit about how stupid it is to keep Tom around, JT and Tom are all “Oh, I forgot Cirie was still here,” and remember that getting rid of her is probably their best bet. So they hatch a plan to have JT force a tie, and then Tom will use his idol and she’ll be gone. It’s totally complicated, I’ll explain it later. But anyway, I totally thought it was going to be a red herring, and then? They TOTALLY did it and got rid of Cirie. I love her, but that is badass, right there.

American Idol and Project Runway: Flipit

Last night’s Project Runway challenge was all about tools. Gay tools, straight tools, woman tools, and actual tools. Project Runway has been a little light on super creative challenges the past couple of seasons, leaving us longing for the days of coffee filter dresses. They mostly made up for that last night with a new spin on the lesbian key chain and a bikini that scars whoever dares to be skinny enough to wear it. There was even a beaver shot! Not that I approve of dirty shots. Or beavers. Check out the full recap here.

American Idol was AWESOME last night. Mostly because I’m impressed that I picked a lot of the losers (that never happens), but also because the guest singer was Danny Gokey. I never bothered coming up with a name for Gokey during his season cuz Gokey was dumb enough as it was. But now he’s moving into Cokey territory. Seriously, the dude is a full fledged addict. His eyes were pinwheels and he wouldn’t stfu. Cokey’s trying to be a country star now. Why? Cuz someone told him he’d make money doing it. He said that proudly. Nothing country fans like more than a total poseur elbowing his way into their genre for the cash. I have a LOT to say about his stupid ass, so I’ll wait for recap time for that. But you’ll never guess what his song was about? If you’re wondering how the hell a lyricist rhymed something with “dead wife”, then you’re really close.

We also got one of our best elimination speeches of the series. Jermaine literally gave an acceptance speech like he just won an Oscar. It was priceless, and one I will be keeping on the computer for those days that I feel truly needy and pathetic. Next time you get fired, thank your boss for the raise and get the hell out of that office and go back to your desk like nothing happened. Long Dong John, Heaeleye, and Michelle were also out. Simon practically apologized to us for not yelling at Michelle cuz when he saw her back on TV he couldn’t believe how off his compliments were. I did feel bad, though, for Healeyeeeaeye, cuz she cried really hard and turned in one of the most embarrassing, ear piercing, soul crushing performances of all time on her way out. Love. That. Show.