About Last Night: Oscar Edition

The Oscars were full of self love, dirty looks, and even some pretty dresses! Come on in!

WaffleBoy: Hi Gasmi, first of all confession time, I haven’t watched a complete from beginning to end Oscar’s presentation in, God, decades. For no longer having an attention span capable of sitting through a couple of hours of red carpet and a four plus hour telecast I blame in no particular order: caffeine, the media, and video games. Incidentally, I also blame these things for my receding hairline, but that has nothing to do with the Oscars. Anyway I was doing stuff around my apartment, and flipping over to other channels all night long, so here are the things I saw that stood out to me.

Jay Manuel didn’t like Charlize Theron’s boobs, and I totally wasn’t surprised.

The top of Ryan Seacrest’s head hitting Kathleen Bigalow right in the belly button. Either she’s eight feet tall or Seacrest is the Travelocity Gnome.

Watching Kathy Ireland on ABC and deciding she took a class to learn what to do with her hands while she talks.

Thinking Doogie Patrick Howser’s opening act was pretty great, and it beat the hell out of an 8 minute Steve Martin banjo solo while Alec Baldwin did an interpretive dance about the movie Hurt Locker.

Deciding that Miley Cyrus and Tyler Perry being a part of the Oscars is a sign the Apocalypse may have happened two weeks ago. Can somebody check and see if Kirk Cameron has ascended into Heaven yet?

While Colin Farrell was talking realizing that the guy who was nominated for best actor in Hurt Locker was also in one of my all time favorite crap movies of all time, SWAT. Maybe next year the Academy will finally honor the craft of LL Cool J?

Even though I’m a James Cameron hater, thinking he showed a lot of class by being genuinely happy that Kathleen Bigalow won for best director.

Deciding it was kind of cool that I could watch the season finale of Big Love while the Oscars was on, and being able to flip back and feel like I hadn’t missed anything important.

Anyway, now that the Oscars are over we can get ready what’s really important. Figuring out who is going to win at the next Kid’s Choice Awards.

HappyHousewife: The Dude Abides!!!! Ok, I’ll be real with you, my Gasmic Darlings….I only watched the red carpet, and the last hour. Because really? The rest is filler, and if anything even remotely exciting would have happened, 400 of my closest friends would have tweeted it, so I was much more content sticking my head into a growler of Hefeweizen. But my thoughts on the evening?

I am omniscient, and my love of all things Lebowski has finally paid off, with a much deserved Best Actor to The Dude himself, Jeff Bridges. Not only is he of the awesome, he looked good, albeit stoned off his ass, gave a very touching speech, and has been happily married for 33 years to a chick who is still a hot piece. Dude FTW! I was happy with Sandy B winning, although I was really pulling for Gabby Sidibe…girl deserved it. Sandy’s adorable acceptance speech helped ease my pain, and who else is going to be masturbating to thoughts of her and Meryl hooking up? Oh. Yeah. Right….not me, either. I think James Cameron is an epic ass with an ego to match, and having his ex kick his pompous ass and his stupid movie right out of the Oscars…well, they should make a movie out of that!



Flipit: When the show ended, I was left with a couple of questions. The first one, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP GEORGE CLOONEY’S ASS? Dude, you’re hot, you’re rich, and you’re nominated for an Oscar. So why do you look like it’s raining and the bus is late?

He gave Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin dirty looks through the entire opening monologue and I figured it was a joke, but he kept that sour mug on him the whole show. At one point about two and a half hours in, he turned to the camera and gave them a “what the fuck are you looking at? Am I your dancing monkey or what bitch?” look. The only time he smiled was when people called him handsome and charming. Oh go live in Haiti already. I get that after a few years it probably just feels like another day making the donuts, but at least fake it. I think that was the biggest problem for me the whole night across the board. The stars all looked pissy and bored and ungrateful. You know, there are some of us out here actually WORKING for a living. Fake it you brats!

My second question: What’s up Mo’Nique’s ass? Her speech was ranting insanity at its finest. “Thanks for giving the award based on performance and not politics.” Oh, cuz anyone else winning would mean politics? That’s just rude. Mo’s been taking heat for refusing to do any Oscar interviews/publicity without payment. TACKY! Again, ungrateful and annoying. It wasn’t long ago you were rubbing a stump on late night TV, heif. A little grace would be applicable. She was AMAZING in Precious, but after seeing her behavior last night, playing a woman who force feeds her kid pig’s feet, drops her grandbaby and throws a perfectly good TV down five flights of stairs doesn’t seem to be too much of a stretch.

The best thing to come out of that was the look Samuel L Jackson gave right after she finished:

It’s been a rough couple of years for the country financially. The women of Hollywood wanted to show us that they feel our pain. Yes, they all wore dresses that cost more than a year of your house payment and yes they still all showed up in limos, but they totally skimped on hair product. Penelope? Sarah Jessica Parker? J Lo? COMB YOUR HAIR.

Putting Miley Cyrus next to Amanda Seyfried was just mean. Miley looks like white orange trash without any help from Amanda. I felt bad for her. Kinda. I was mostly just shocked that she was there. I hope whoever’s in charge of quality control over at the Oscars doesn’t get transferred to the local deli, otherwise everyone will die of ecoli.

I could have done without the Doogie opening. We get it. He’s gay and he likes showtunes. That doesn’t mean he can actually sing a powerhouse belt song for four minutes though, and it was a mess. Loved Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, but the best thing about their opening was the terrified faces of the people they were making fun of. Best pissed face was Clooney, but second place goes to the dude from Avatar after Steve Martin killed the floating crabs with bug spray.

Guys, have you ever gotten sick of people talking about how giant your ass is? Then make them focus on a third leg.

Overall, I was pretty turned off by the mood in the room. There were a lot of dour faces and no one seemed to be having any fun. This is the dream you’re living, people. Maybe it’s time for Hollywood to be cleared out. The only good mood in the entire place belonged to Precious. Long live Precious!

Leia LaBiblia: Best Thing About The Oscars. And the nominees are:

1) Sandy Powell winning Best Costume Design and sneering “I already have two of these but I’m feeling GREEDY!” I don’t know about you, Gasmii, but I’m over snarky British women in fire-engine red bobs. Show some class, you ungrateful dripping snatch.

2) and 3). Gaboureh Sidibe’s breasts. They kept cutting to her and then quickly cutting away, as if the telecast director was hoping they’d magically shrink. If anything they seemed to be getting bigger, busting out of their Marchesa prison and filling up my 16×9 plasma screen like they were trying to take over the world. You go, girls!

4) Barbra Streisand so envious of Kathryn Bigelow getting to be the first female Best Director winner that Babs actually had the nerve to ask Kath “Can I hold it?” and then shoved the poor fruity Academy arm-candy out of the way to escort KB off-stage. When “The Hurt Locker” won Best Picture and Kathryn came out to accept, I expected Barbra to still be clinging to her arm.

5) Mo’Nique saying “vagina” to Barbara Walters.

And the winner is— oh, who cares. My favorite movie of 2009 was “The Last House on the Left”!

Fran and Berry:

We liked this year’s Oscars. They were sexy! I mean did you see that

bit where Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were sleeping together?

Seeeexy.

We’re just glad Steve martin didn’t pull out that damn banjo of his!

And Alec Baldwin didn’t have to leave a voice mail message. It made

the night much more pleasant.

Oprah was pimping out Precious, making sure to collect her 10% of all

interviews. Sadly, you could always see Precious’ real mom in the

background awkwardly looking for something to do, wishing she had

brought her Danielle Steel book. And did you notice how Oprah’s story

about Precious skipping school to audition and going on to get the

part and be nominated for an Academy Award had the moral of: Skip

School Kids!!! Oh Oprah, always ruining our children’s futures!

We loved the feud/faux feud between Alec Baldwin and George Clooney,

but wish they would have taken it a step further and full on shirtless

mud wrested.

Probably our favorite part of the whole thing was before the show even

started. George Clooney hopped out of his limo, drunk as a damned

sexy skunk, and ran along the chain link fence stuffed with fans

waving and shouting and being all around hammered and super fun. Wish

we were there,we probably could have gotten his digits, or get Clooney

puke on us!

We can’t even begin to open the can of worms that was Kathy Ireland’s

“interviews.” Straight out of Robot World in the Wisconsin Dells

Kathy’s left arm stiffly waved in the wind at a 45- degree angle while

she swung her head around trying to keep her body balanced. The words

were definitely secondary. Honestly it was like watching that alien

women from Mars Attacks out on the Red Carpet. So forced Kathy

Ireland, so forced. She needs some Necessary Roughness.

And the Oscar for Biggest Suck of the Night goes to: The Twilight

kids! They were so empty, soulless almost, almost like a vampire.

Hmmm….. Kristen Stewart was so awkward and uncomfortable, and to

cover up those insecurities she acted too-cool-for-school creating a

stupid, vapid bitch. It’s amazing that a girl like Precious can be

so much more comfortable in her body. I guess it’s because she has a

great personality and is honestly a good person. Bummer for Kristen

Stewart, that’s not something an acting coach can teach. You know, if

she had one, which she obviously doesn’t. Sucky runner ups, Maggie

Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard who decided to come down from their

almighty actor palace for the evening to mingle with the commoners and

work very hard to act sincere. Maggie’s G’s sincerity is as fake as

Kathy Ireland’s ability to create a sentence. They must have been

horrified having to sit next to the freshman, Precious.

Cameron Diaz must give a lot of blow jobs. Right? She has no movie

to promote, she barely works anymore at all, but still, there she is

front and center at the Oscars! It’s gotta be blow jobs. Really good,

givin’ it all she’s got like her performance in The Mask style blow

jobs.

Hey Judd Nelson! Maybe next time look in the mirror before you go out

on stage at the Oscars! Not that they’ll be a next time.

Overall it was a pretty average night, which is good for the Oscars.

Funny enough jokes, good people won and Ben Stiller’s bit didn’t take

too long. Plus, the Oscars singlehandedly opened up the genre of

horror to include sexy teen dramas and any movie Tim Burton has ever

made. Including Mars Attacks. That’s right Kathy Ireland is

officially a horror movie.