About Last Night: Damages, Kell on Earth, Fantasia for Real, 24 Character Rankings

Last night in TVland, Martin Short was creepy, 24 was stupid, Kell was empowered, and Fantasia ended. Come on in!

Go ahead and free yourself, girl.

Damages: SlifeGoesOn

In what was arguably the best episode of the season, Damages put the Tobin case on the backburner this week, and got back to doing what it does best – reveling in the dark, twisted relationship between Ellen Parsons and her mentor-cum-rival, Patty Hewes.

Poor, silly, naïve Alex got caught in the middle (as usual!) as Patty and Ellen tried to play Jedi mind tricks on each other. Even though these two formidable foes “broke up” at the end of last season, they’ve been unable to really tear themselves away from each other. After going a couple rounds of slinging insults, Ellen backhanded Patty with a delicious zinger, then suggested they team up again in light of some startling new evidence regarding Danielle Marchetti’s death.

Leonard Winstone skipped town mysteriously to visit “an old friend,” and we got a heaping spoonful of backstory on this mega-creep. Elsewhere, Tom did a horrible job going incognito as he followed Danielle’s daughter, Tessa, to Antigua. Just as he was about to make some significant leads, however, he ended up thwarted by a new adversary.

Kell On Earth: ChickBomb

On Kell on Earth, we start off in London and end up empowered. Yeah, we’re still on the empowerment trip. In London, Kelly is busy telling us how the “power girls” do it, producing a Flintstones themed fashion show, which was actually pretty cool, and hanging out with her Italian Baby Daddy, who seems to be professional lounger. But he looks smoking hot doing it.

Back in New York, they haven’t quite gotten the empowerment memo. Steph Skinner is still overwhelmed and doing the work of approximately 739 people. The partners return from London and each one of them has a “priority” for Skinner. Where’s the organizational chart in this place? Well, we all know how Skinner handles stress, so it leads to the oft previewed fight between Emily and Skinner where Skinner says maybe she shouldn’t be working there anymore. Don’t worry – she doesn’t quit. She just slips on her straightjacket and goes outside to cry and whine to Kelly.

Kelly smoothes it over with her very empowered little ducklings and then works on her book. She also goes vibrator shopping and dons a mexican blanket to barge in on Ativan Andrew’s first date in a year and a half. Then they do a store opening where they run out of tequila. It’s tense ten minutes, during which no one thinks to run down the street to the nearest liquor store, but in the end, standing outside and stressing over where the replacement tequila is seems to work out just fine.

Fantasia For Really Real: HappyHousewife

I did not pull that title out of my ass, in addition to the finale, we were treated to a clip show with that appropriate moniker! And it was just as poorly edited as the rest of the season has been! In the actual episode, however….Fanny and Gayface present her album to the label…and they like it, pledging their allegiance to the Church of Fanny! They’ve got her back and they are not holding back any stops in promoting it…we’ll see how that goes after her first single bricks. Fanny also speaks at the shelter which Sanny spoke at last week, and it inspires her to once and for all halt the feud with Daddy Dearest. Meeting him at a diner, in person he is way less douchey than expected, pinstriped suit aside. She finally returns home to a surprise party and the news that everybody is moving out! She is finally emancipated!! And now you have no reason to read my recap:)

’24′ Character Rankings: Episode 11: Dogsnaxx

I’m a little grumpy this week because ’24′ went back to sucking big hairy turd balls after a strong episode last week. In an effort to salvage some of my sanity, and because a lot of characters were absent this week, I’m cutting it down to the Top 7.

7) Jenny,

I’m not amused anymore. You are officially ruining the show for me and I don’t think Melvin from Office Space doing his True Blood accent is going to save it. Please go away. ASAP.

Sincerely,

Dogsnaxx

6) Madame President Taylor:

Where are you? Don’t get me wrong…I think most of the world’s problems could be solved by giving Jack Bauer free reign. But you are the President of the United States and Ostensibly the leader of the free world. I have to believe that you should be involved somewhat in the decision making during a major International crisis and terrorist threat. I know you are strung out on conference calls. But if your job is becoming unmanageable, you need to do the right thing and turn the office over to your VP and check into Celebrity Rehab.

A devoted constituent:

Mr. Dog E. Snaxx

5) Yo Cole,

Mad props for standing up to your girl in the Elevator when she wanted to have one of those “let’s talk about our feelings” estrogen fests. Who knows what that crazy be-yotch was thinking trying to stir up crap in the middle of both a major terrorist threat and the cover-up of numerous felonies on your part? Stay strong, Bro! Keep standing up to that chick before she goes and ruins your life. Oh, wait…

Never mind. Call me after the divorce.

Your Pal,

The Dawg

4) Dear Mrs. Elaine Al-Zacar,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Marco. I know how hard it must be to lose such a bright young muppet/terrorist in the prime of his life. What I’ll remember most about your son is that he really lit up a room and turned it his own shade of red and purple.

Be well,

D. Snaxx

3) Hiya Kayla:

I totes hate to say “I told you so,” but I totes told you so! Sure, Tarin has that dreamy/brooding thing going on. And the dude is definitely built like a Greek God. But you should have known that anybody who does premarital naked-sweaty-sexy time on-screen in ’24′ world ends up in grave danger or personally/professionally destroyed. As Michael Kors said a couple of seasons ago on Project Runway: “Helloooooo?! Slutty Slutty Slutty!” I don’t think we should sit together at lunch anymore. I think you’ll be more comfortable at the table in the corner with the teen pregnancies and burnouts. If it’s cool, I’d still like to be your lab partner and copy off of you in chemistry. Deal?

DS

2) Arlo:

Dude, that was CLASSIC when you did the whole “concerned colleague” thing with Dana and then quickly turned it back around to sleazy horn ball by telling her you’ll be there when things don’t work out with Cole. I’d high-five you for that, but I have a general rule about not making contact with the palm of a chronic masturbator.

Fist Bump Instead!

1) Mr. Bauer:

I too am intrigued by the concept of Chatroulette and I noticed that you got to play it with a confused Islamofascist boy in a giant metal tube. I logged in after the show aired and attempted your method of making crazy eyes and threatening total stranger’s families. However, it had the opposite effect for me than it did for you. People tuned me out and didn’t take me seriously at all. What am I doing wrong?

Your Biggest Fan,

Dogsnaxx