About Last Night: Ugly Betty, Real World, Shear Genius

Last night in TVland, the dude in the panda hat got laid again, Ugly Betty brought her cute face back to our TVs, and some cupcakes had to die.

Real World: VirginiaApple

Well, our little Pandrew finally found a girl to hook up with more than once! He immediately fell head over heels and they started dating. She seems kinda sketchy at times, and Pandrew’s painful past (we get one tiny bit of info on that! Finally!) prevents him from fully opening up to her. He doesn’t trust girls and has a past of being clingy and getting hurt. There’s a lot of back and forth (Pandrew even has to turn down a desperate hag!), but by the end of the episode they are, in Facebook terms, “in a relationship.”

In whinier news, Cliche is still not happy with the amount of success she has achieved through minimal effort. Bitch complains about EVERYTHING. She has a phone interview with NPR, which apparently amounts to nothing, and is devastated. Yes, in this cruel day and age, with this economy, one setback truly is unheard of. Callie, who is having some success by doing things that are not part of her ideal plan, gives her an awesome pep talk. Unfortunately, this pep talk stops Cliche from leaving for another week, which will undoubtedly lead to more whining.

Ugly Betty: Dear Crabby

Finally! A new Ugly Betty! This week, secrets are revealed! Casa Suarez has completely relocated to Manhattan thanks to the fire, and Betty is not loving the infiltration. But four Mexicans in a one-bedroom apartment? That’s usually considered luxury. Until Papi packs flan into Betty’s computer. Family is so much fun!

Speaking of which, Tyler is still hanging around, much to Daniel’s dismay. In fact, Claire and Tyler are spending so much time out and about semi-canoodling that Suzuki reports Claire is having a May-December romance, which is so disgusting since it’s with her bastard son. Incest is the game a whole family can play! Daniel picks a fight with his brother, which is par for the course, and Claire has to break it up and tell Daniel the news. Get thee to a therapist! And I’m not sure which Meade I’m talking to!

Betty whores herself out to a firefighter just to get the house inspection completed and the insurance company can cut the check to fix the Casa. He could not be more annoying and doofy, but he’s big so if there’s a real fire you are good to go. While this is going on, Hilda meets Bobby’s mafia parents, tell her the putanesca she made sucks, they call her a whore, there’s a fight and an engagement (guess who?), and the truth comes out ” it wasn’t the cigs, the oversized chandelier, or the mafia ” it was Betty’s curling iron! Who knew haircare could be so dangerous? Probably Madonna.

Woven into the episode it Wilhelmina’s effort to be nice just to get some hot sex from a former flame, NOT Connor, which is the real tragedy. Watching her be kind to people is sickening, so it’s a relief when she admits to being a bitch who has people fired because of visible moles. Now hand me a cig! To flick at the ABC execs who are canceling this show.

Shear Genius: J-Mo

On last night’s episode of Shear Genius, tensions have cranked up another notch as the field has been narrowed to six stylestants, with MattBian and Garofalo on one side, BrigADoopitydoo on the other, and Brialien, ApRebel and Yawn TrannyLips hovering somewhere in the middle waiting to see who is stronger before they align forces. Plus MattBian earned my eternal hatred when he senselessly murdered a plate of perfectly good CUPCAKES just because BrigADuncanhines made them! Asshole!

The ShortCut Challenge was all about making pretty Asian girls look stupid by forcing the stylestants to use a geometric shape for inspriation in their cut, which was really haaaard for Brialien because he doesn’t know the difference between a rhombus, a trapezoid and an equilateral quadrilateral. Luckily his Asian girl was right there to explain it to him, and in return he made her never want to leave the house again. You won’t believe the crap that MattBian pulled on HIS chick, either. Stupidest. Shortcut. EVER.

As for the Elimination Challenge, it was all about getting several “working actresses” in character to take some headshots, and once again, Brialien got it all wrong. Did he even GO to beauty school? Because sometimes I swear he just wafts in, backteases clumps of hair in random places and drifts out of the frame again. Also, ApRebel performs more of her magical stabbystylings and makes everyone else want to sleep with one eye open. Recap is on it’s way, and be sure to check last week’s episode for proof that I was actually at Brig’s Salon in Simi Valley!