About Last Night: Monday

Last night in TV land, the Housewives reminded us of WW2. Wait. The Amazing Racers became lesbians. Forget it. I just don’t know any more. Come on in!

Desperate Dresses at War With Themselves

Desperate Housewives: Hypnotoad

Gabby and Angie head on over to a studio lot in Los Angeles. I’m sorry? What’s that? They’re supposed to be in New York City? Yeah, no one’s gonna buy that, dumbass. While they’re on the Paramount lot — fine, FINE: “New York City,” they run into Heidi Klum and Paulina Porizkova, who remember Gabby fondly from their modeling days. As a big fat bitch. But what’s a trip to “New York City” without a little plot development, eh? We get to meet Angie’s Ma, and find out more about the mysterious Patrick Logan. Oooooh, interesting! Kind of. But the excitement doesn’t end there! Preston’s back from Europe! With the worst fake pornstache in the history of fake facial hair EVER.

Oh, and he also brought home a Russian Euro-Whore girlfriend whom Lynette is convinced is a gold-digger. Because the Scavo family is obviously wealthy. Except completely not. And in this week’s No-One-Gives-A-Crap story line, Mike feels emasculated when Susan pays off a loan for him. I’m serious. That’s literally their entire plot this week. Bree finds out a deep dark secret about Sam that affects her and her entire family (well, not cripply Orson). And over at Muffin Muncher Manor, Katherine and Robin continue their little lesbian love-a-thon, except Susan finds out about it. Katherine goes to get some advice from two people who are experts on all things vagina: Bob and Lee. Going to gay guys for lesbian advice is like going to an acting class taught by Tara Reid. Oh, and Angie drops a big-ass bomb about a secret she’s been carrying around for years! Or, for 16 episodes at least.

Amazing Race: Bbitz

“The Amazing Race” had a delightful war-themed episode where groups completed tasks that were reminiscent of WWII. Let’s just say we should all be thankful these people actually didn’t fight in WWII. Otherwise I’m pretty sure we’d all be speaking German and Karl Rove would be President.

The Private Dicks held the lead and decided to put a the final nail in Team Zzzz’s coffin with a “Blind U-Turn” while Team Such As almost got booted for missing a clue. Teams are playing dirty, the gloves are coming off and it’s nothing but good television from here on out!