About Last Night: Jessica Simpson, Damages, 24

Last night in TVland, Jessica Simpson assured us that she’s still a moron, Patty Hewes assured us that she’s still a witch, and Chloe assured as that she can still do one face really well. Come on in!!

Jessica Simpson: The Price of Beauty

Last night on Jessica Simpson: The Price of Beauty, Jessica kicked off her worldwide quest to discover what makes a woman beautiful. First stop – Thailand. Here Jessica got a Thai massage, ate a worm, lost all concentration while trying to meditate, and also visited a village where women put stacks of metal rings around their necks to elongate them,which is seen as a sign of wealth and beauty.

She also learned that in Thailand, pale is the new tan. On each leg of her journey, Jessica will have a tour guide to teach her about beauty. And last night’s guide was none other than the host of Thailand’s Next Top Model, who was clearly a paragon of Western beauty, so it was nice to veer off into the jungle for the neck ring ladies. I mean, we’ve all seen Tyra Banks and her crowd. Stay tuned to read all about it!

Damages: SlifeGoesOn

Nothing can compare to last week’s amazing episode of Damages, but this week was still a treat! First and foremost, Ted Dansen FINALLY resurfaced as smarmy Arthur Frobisher, whose return has been LONG overdue. For some reason though, he’s languishing in some long-winded (pun intended) subplot about exploring wind as an alternative fuel source. Along for the ride is guest star Craig Bierko, playing a scruffy Hollywood actor that Frobisher is wooing as the new face of his Initiative.

Elsewhere, Ellen’s loose lips were sinking ships all over town! After running into Patty’s estranged son and his pregnant cougar girlfriend, Ellen made the hilarious, bonehead mistake of congratulating Patty and calling her a grandma! She also managed to hiss a little self-confidence into spineless Tom’s ear, telling him he should defect from Patty and start a new company with her!

Crazy Carol, in a desperate bid for attention, decided to go missing ” and the trick worked! Everyone rallied to find her, leaving no Krispy Kreme or Coldstone unturned. Leonard found her hiding out in Brooklyn with a mysterious, yet familiar ally, who turned out to be her accomplice in Danielle Marchetti’s murder!

24 Character Rankings: Dogsnaxx

10) My Brain: My head hurts after all the crazy leaps of faith and logic this week. From the NYPD royally screwing everything up at the hotel to the crazy twists and turns on the Kayla/Tarin/Samir front…I’m having a hard time believing that all is going according to plan for the terrorists. It just seems like there’s too many things that could have gone wrong with their crazy scheme. The fact that it all worked out and they blew the crap out of CTU systems at the end of the episode makes me think that the writers have very little respect for my intelligence level, so I feel compelled to defend myself. I’m not quite at the point of breaking up with ‘24′ yet, but I need to stand up for myself in this abusive relationship. Shape up or I’m leaving you for ‘Human Target’, or something. Don’t make me go cheat on you with some trampy NBC show!

9) Dana: The luckiest former winner of the Tri-County Hog Callin’ contest continued to skate by this week. Am I the only one who is amazed she’s still alive? You might think her sob story about her drunken hookup with Kevin was an inspired cover…but everyone knows you don’t give out your real phone number after a regrettable one night stand in New York City! It’s well known that You’re supposed to leave the Gmail address of one of your exes on the night stand and then sneak off into the night (maybe after taking a $20 from their wallet for cab fare). Not that I would know. Ahem.

8) Cole: Dude, you’re an ex-marine and a Brooklyn boy. So how did you become such a dumb-ass? You don’t need Jenny! You can find yourself a sweet little Starbucks barista, or something, just about anywhere in New York City. Sure…they may annoy you with their incessant chatter about a non-existent “acting” career, but they won’t completely ruin your life and destroy your Government career. Gimme a call man, we’ll head out to some bars this weekend. I’m an excellent wing man.

7) Tarin and Samir: The wonder-twins of Islamofascism! Somehow, these two 30-somethings managed to snow their President, their countrymen, and the United States’ entire intelligence/defense community! After taking out CTU and clearing the way for an all-out assault on New York City, I’m almost willing to surrender and go with their flow. They obviously know how to get results, so they might be great bosses to work for…if you don’t mind a little asphyxiation with plastic bags every now and then, that is.

6) Bill Prady: The accent is pretty annoying and distracting. I keep expecting Lafayette to pop up with his little cooler for a quickie and some V collection. But his absent-minded wandering through CTU was hilarious. Plus, he’s tormenting Dana, which buys him a LOT of good-will on my part. Carry on, Bill!

5) President and Mrs. Hassan: All that sweet bonding over their kidnapped daughter hasn’t made us forget that it was incompetence and an infirm grip on their own government that caused all of these problems. When the day is over, I think they need to go their separate ways. Omar has his blonde reporter, and hopefully Dalia has a pool boy stashed away somewhere. It’s OK to be apart and happy…especially if it means a whole bunch of people don’t have to die.

4) Kayla: I fear she won’t know the error of her slutty slutty ways now that she thinks Tarin “saved” her. Kayla’s not exactly the brightest Presidential offspring in ‘24′ history. I have to imagine that this is the kind of stuff the Palin kids would do if (God forbid) Sexy Sarah ever makes it to the White House.

3) Boss Hastings: Has some major personnel issues with Arlo the Perv, Cole, and Dana. As my Grandfather used to say: “It’s hard to soar like an Eagle when you are surrounded by a bunch of Turkeys.” I’ll cut him some slack, but if he fumbles through the blackout next week, I’m writing him off.

2) Chloe: Hey girlfriend. Sometimes you have to let the snarky comments go and just slip into ass-kicking mode. With a major attack underway, maybe the time for disapproving scowls is over and some leadership is needed? Just sayin’. I still love ya, girl!

1) Jack: I feel for you buddy! But the season is already half over, and if the news of cancellation is accurate, you are onto bigger and better things soon! I have to believe the dumb-ass quotient will be a lot lower in a 2 hour movie platform without all the extra time to kill. Hang in there! You’re still the man.