About Last Night: Jessica Simpson, Damages, 24

Last night on TV, Jessica learned that skinny is pretty, Patty made some holes in the wall, and you’re never gonna believe this but there was a mole in CTU!! So basically, nothing new happened on any show last night, but they were all still fun to watch. Come on in!

Ah, Ted. You make it all worth it.

Jessica Simpson’s Price of Beauty: HoneyGangsta

Last night on Jessica Simpson’s The Price of Beauty, Jessica and crew visited Paris to uncover the best-kept secret that in Paris it’s beautiful to be a fashion model. And that, of course, means being anorexic-thin. The Beauty Ambassador was – you guessed it – a fashion model! What an unusual idea of beauty. The kids then went to another spa to get massages and scrubs, but lest you think this is old news – it was all done somehow with wine or grapes. So basically nothing you’ll ever get to experience. They also met a former model who nearly starved herself to death, which earned her a lot of money, then Jessica got to walk a runway all by herself! She was coached by a complete snob who was dressed like a balloon clown and talked down to her about everything. Then she managed to walk an entire 12 feet, turn around, and walk back. It was all very groundbreaking. I’ll be back soon with deets!

Damages: SlifeGoesOn

Tom Shayes may have taken one step closer to his fateful demise, but Tate Donovan has a long and lengthy career ahead of him … behind the camera. Donovan, who plays our beloved and much-beleaguered attorney Tom Shayes, traded in his acting hat this week for a directorial one, and while it wasn’t the best episode of Damages, it was still pretty good. Donovan tried his hand at many an artistic shot, occasionally distracting us from an otherwise lackluster episode full of exposition and nuanced layers.

Everyone seemed to be gunning for Patty, trying to get under her skin. Tom rattled her cage when he handed in his resignation. Frobisher and his new Hollywood cohorts pushed her buttons by casting her as the villain in their new biopic. Guest star David Carradine made another attempt to get into her pants and strip her walls down to their original glamour. Michael hoped to faze her with the truth about his love child with Jill, but it was prying questions about any possible miscarriages before he was born that seemed to hit a nerve. Patty finally cracked, hurling a bowl at the wall, and then taking a hammer to it. Patty even seemed to be under attack by her own subconscious, as she was once again haunted by dreams of that strange horse.

Patty wasn’t the only one woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Ellen’s druggie sister Carrie got busted with a felony amount of crystal meth and unfairly vented some sibling hostility. Crazy Carol looked like a meth addict, but it was really the guilt of killing Danielle Marchetti that was eating her alive. Winstone walked in and narrowly saved her from committing suicide.

Luckily, Patty maintained her cool (in public, atleast) and got the upper hand, spinning lies left and right to snare a blackmailing trap for Carol. Patty peeled away the truth about what actually happened with the Tobins on Thanksgiving night, and she discovered that Tessa is not as innocent as she seems.

24 Character Rankings: Dogsnaxx

10) My Brain: It was a wild week on ’24′ with triple crosses, depressed women snapping into hero mode, quiet geeks becoming assertive, hillbillies turning out to be super-spies, and lots and lots of shooting! I have to confess that I’d grown bored in recent weeks. This episode shook me awake a little bit. But there’s still a teeny-tiny little whiff of “throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks” going on. But I’m still on board with ’24′. I’ll remove my Ashley Madison profile seeking a fling with a sitcom…at least for a week.

9) President Taylor: Is there a clause in the Constitution that says “If you win an Emmy, you get to only come in to work 20% of the time”? This 3-hour coffee break is out of control. Madame Taylor, I live in New York and would hope that the Commander in Chief would be present should terrorists ever try to smuggle a radiological bomb into the heart of the city. Please come back! I’m losing faith in you and need some reassurance before I do something horrible like vote Republican!

8) Bill Prady: R.I.P. Melvin! Props for picking up on that soupçon of “smug bitchery” when Jenny delivered her “We regret to inform you that all incriminating evidence has been destroyed, but y’all have a good day now ya’hear?” kiss-off. But you should have left well-enough alone and not gone to her boss. Enjoy eternity in your new CTU cubby-hole. I hope you find your stapler in heaven.

7) Dana/Jenny/La Femme Nikita/Whoever: Made herself ever-so-slightly more interesting by revealing that “Dana” was a cover of a cover, or something. So she may be blond-haired and Red-State reared, but somehow she’s part of the Islamofascist attacks. This makes sense, right? It’s common to hear of disaffected hillbilly kids, fed up by the crushing boredom of hoedowns and drag races, running off to join terrorist training camps. It’s an epidemic, really. The government should be looking into this.

6) The Hassans: Kayla’s safe, but stupid as ever. The look on her face when Hastings told her about Tarin and Samir’s fake-out and that she’d be used in more ways than one: Blank confusion. Maybe Mom and Dad, who only got one tele-novella-esque scene this week, aren’t overprotective and overbearing? Perhaps Kayla was that kid who always sat in the corner eating paste and knocking her head against the wall and they’ve just learned to adapt by keeping her on lockdown and controlling every aspect of her life?

5) Cole: He was a worthy comrade to Jack this week during the ambush. Then again, I might just be saying that because he lived through it, unlike Nameless Dude who forgot his anxiety pills and poor little Owen who decided not to listen to the more experienced guys. Plus, now that we know Dana is some sort of super-villain, he looks less like a doofus for being caught-up in her web of lies and pork rinds.

4) Boss Hastings: Hey Buddy! Welcome to the team. You are getting the hang of this “Jack and Chloe” are always right thing! Awesome. Just keep barking at Dana and Arlo and letting Jack/Chloe have free reign. It’ll let you slide right through the rest of the season in our good graces.

3) Renee: Good old Zombie Spice got a fresh infusion of brains or at least some much more effective bipolar meds, because homegirl was BACK this week! A frantic call from Chloe that Jack was in danger snapped Renee out of her Cure-listening, sad-face making, broody whiny mode that she’s been in all season. The scene literally ended with her grabbing a handgun out of her purse and cocking it while looking all determined. Then, later on she got to use said itty-bitty handgun to take out all the bad guys that the CTU Gang had spent the last 30 minutes shooting at with AK-47s. I hope we get ass-kickin’ Renee for the rest of the season. She’s a lot more fun!

2) Chloe: Awesome! Our girl stopped being the frustrated-snarky “new girl” at CTU New York, and let the Chloe Cajones that we all new were tucked up there somewhere fly out! I cheered out loud when Chloe pulled a gun on Mr. Haynam (which is suspiciously close to Hyman) and his fellow douchebags in the server room. Now that she’s popped her “kicking-ass” cherry, let’s hope the new and improved Chloe is here for the rest of the season.

1) Jack: I’d worry about Jack having been shot at the end of the episode. But by now, getting shot for Bauer is like shooing a mosquito away. He’ll be fine. Nice leadership during the ambush, too!