About Last Night: 24, Price of Beauty, Damages

Last night on TV, Glenn got fired, Jessica looked tired, and terrorists talked dirty bombs.

Damages: SlifeGoesOn

Last night’s episode of Damages was a fun, twisty labyrinth of tension and back-stabbing, and all of the characters were feeling the heat. Patty was dismayed to find out that the plaintiffs on the Tobin case had grown impatient and wanted to replace her as their lawyer. Judge Riley gave her one last week to make some progress with Tessa Marchetti, and warned her against going outside the law to retrieve the money. With the clock ticking loudly in his ear, Tom took matters into his own hands and tried to shake down Tessa himself, which only sent Tessa running and crying to the DA’s office. Ellen’s co-worker realized that she’s been in cahoots with Tom and Patty, and selfishly ratted her out to Gates. Then just as Tessa was about to align herself with Patty, Gates had her arrested!

Meanwhile, Marilyn Tobin was all in a tizzy because her African charity wouldn’t let her go on safari to visit impoverished children in Tanzania. She hoped Mr. Zedeck could swing the board in her favor, but at the last minute, he used his deciding vote against her! Winstone was getting hot under the collar himself when his blackmailing father called asking for money. Winstone tried to shut him out, but his pops literally barged his way back into his life and his office, this time demanding to be cut into the hidden Tobin money scheme.

Patty lent Ellen her trusty henchman, Mr. Clean, who didn’t have any good news regarding Ellen’s jailbird sister, Meth Face. Meanwhile, Ellen suddenly became plagued by disturbing nightmares about yellow posies, bloody soup, and a mysterious, maternal brunette. When she found a photo of the brunette in question, she asked her mom and sister for answers, but both seemed less than forthcoming, other than to tell her that her name was Ann, and she used to babysit Ellen. Ellen decided to let her sister rot in jail and set out on a search to find Ann.

Price of Beauty: HoneyGangsta

Last night on Jessica Simpson’s The Price of Beauty, Jessica went to India to see how THEY try to get on the cover of Cosmo. It turned out that the mecca of beauty in India is Bollywood, where decorated girls danced en masse in unison. There was also a spa in Mumbai that will pour oil onto your hair (that’s what I try to wash OUT of my hair every day) and teach you how to cleanse your sinuses with a neti pot. She could have hit Walgreens and saved herself the airfare. Jess did take time out to visit a small Indian girl who was having surgery to correct her cleft palate – courtesy of Operation Smile, and that part was kind of sweet. But then she went back to the Jessica we all know and love by attending a Bollywood red carpet party all decked out in jewels and henna. I’ll be back soon with more!

24 Character Rankings: Dogsnaxx

*Editorial Note: I’m supremely pissed off with ’24′ for ruining an otherwise decent episode and great cliff-hanger by spoiling the outcome in their “scenes from next week.” If my rankings this week are light on the funny and heavy on the bitchery, that is why. The show is being canceled, as you all know by now, so I no longer feel like I’m cheating on it by searching for my jollies elsewhere. I think of it more like counting down the days until my divorce is final. Also, if there’s a lot of references to last season this week, it’s because I’m pining a little for the days when my relationship with ’24′ wasn’t an abusive nightmare.

10) General Brucker: A.K.A. General F*cker. I guess he supplied a necessary dose of tension and plot twists to an otherwise predictable season. And I must admit, it was fun watching him screw with that little weasel Rob Weiss. But I call bullshit on his whole secret-commando unit at the ready to do his bidding stuff. Didn’t and don’t buy it at all.

9) Dana: I haven’t despised a character this much since Agent DeadSlut from last season. We were mercifully treated to an early exit on HER end when D-Bag Dillinger took her out early in the season. But like a bad case of crotch rot…Dana just keeps coming back week after week. This is why ’24′ and I are breaking up. It should have sent this ho-bag to the free clinic in the sky about a month ago.

8) Tarin: Say, you were the head of security for the President of your country. You were also romantically involved with his daughter and probably had a bright and VERY politically-connected future in front of you. Now, you’re sitting in a van as a patsy and eventual victim of the radiological attack. Sounds like you picked the wrong career adviser, doesn’t it? I’d look up his other clients. I bet there’s a former Wall Street banker on the roster that is currently turning tricks on the West Side Highway.

7) Cole: So much for carrying on the ’24′ brand after Kiefer leaves, eh Freddy Prinze? You should probably be glad the show is going off the air and you’ll be free to make ‘Scooby Doo Too’. Cole never held a candle to Jack anyway. Asking if Chloe can be trusted is like when Bush Junior asked “is our children learning?”. In short: You just showed how completely unqualified you are for the job that you hold.

6) Rob Weiss: Congrats on becoming the Ho-Livia of this season, dumb-ass! Now that Jack’s onto your little betrayal, do you really think Big Bad General F*cker will have your back?

5) President Hassan: Is it just me, or does his hair get bigger in every episode? Props for showing a bit of a kick-ass side while helping Jack fight off the evil Americans (feels weird to type)…but any points earned are taken away for having a supremely lame and hapless daughter like Kayla to screw things up. Don’t they just shoot offspring with broken ankles in his backward-ass country?

4) Ethan Kanin: The poor Secretary of State gets the poo end of the stick every season. He’s like Pigpen, except the cloud that follows him is full of treacherous bastards and bitches. I hope he survives his heart attack. If anyone has earned a comfy government-pension funded retirement, it’s him.

3) Chloe: Slips all the way to #3 this week from her perpetual #2. It’s not because she reached such a high last week and couldn’t maintain the momentum…it’s because I’m annoyed she hasn’t sniffed out Jenny yet. The scent of trailer grease can’t be THAT hard to pick up. Plus, she got upstaged by a nameless secret service lady, and that’s just sad.

2) President Taylor: She finally shook the conference call habit and addressed a room full of her cabinet and the joint chiefs! The result was a magical moment of female empowerment. It was like Miranda Priestly, Annie Oakley, and Marge the Police Chief from ‘Fargo’ all conjoined into one ball of awesomeness. On the flip side, it was also a “you don’t bring me flowers” reminder of just how wasted Cherry Jones has been this season.

1) Jack: I may be breaking up with the show, but I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for Bauer. Even if I’m remarried, I’ll probably cheat a little with him when the inevitable ’24′ movies start coming out.