About Last Night: 24, Price of Beauty, Damages

Last night, Patty was Patty, Jessica was Jessica, and 24 was a very exciting bummer.

Damages: SlifeGoesOn

If you are a fan of watching soap operas, then you would most certainly have enjoyed last night’s episode of Damages. Although it was insultingly predictable at every turn, there was a sort of smug satisfaction at correctly guessing what was going to happen next. And boy, did a lot of crazy, soapy shenanigans go down!!

First of all, there were a lot of paternity questions floating around, as Ellen tracked down her long-lost babysitter Ann in hopes of finding out if she was her birth mother. Meanwhile, it was revealed to everybody BUT Joe Tobin that he is in fact the real baby daddy of Tessa Marchetti!

Amidst all of the booze, sex, confessions, double-crosses, and exotic locales, Terry donned a wig in order to better understand the role of Arthur Frobisher, and it got a little difficult to tell which one of the silver foxes was the “evil twin.”

She may not have been possessed by the devil, a la Marlena on Days of Our Lives, but Patty was described as being “pure, unadulterated evil.” Her methods may seem cruel at times, but Patty was nowhere near as treacherous as Marilyn, the black widow, was revealed to be!

Sadly, three central figures left the show dramatically … and more than one was viciously bumped off! Consequently, dearly departed characters who were killed off back in season one were miraculously back from the dead and walking amongst the living.

Jessica Simpson’s Price of Beauty: HoneyGangsta

Last night on Jessica Simpson’s The Price of Beauty, we finally visited the long-awaited fat huts! We learned that in Uganda, men love curves! And not Beyonce-type curves, LARGE curves. The tribe we visited considers fat women a sign of a man’s prosperity. Most of the men of the tribe raise cattle for a living, so they look for women who are nice and fat like their cows. Jessica and CaCee had to layer up under their African dresses so that they would be suitably plump to make an appearance with the locals.

In their quarters overnight, they were visited by insects and arachnids the size of household pets, which sent Jessica into a panic attack and forced her to share a twin bed with her gay hair and makeup guy. I actually can’t say I blame her, and now that I know about the insects, the fat huts have a deterrent. If not for those giant suckers, I’d be packing a bag.

Finally, we witnessed a Ugandan wedding and all of our local heroine’s work to blub up finally paid off. She was big beautiful bride and everyone was pleased and proud. Come back soon for details!

24 Character Rankings: Dogsnaxx

I’m going to try something a little different this week. The two episodes combined were such a downer, that I’m going to count down the biggest losers of the week. Unfortunately for the characters, it’s not the fun kind of Biggest Loser competition where Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs are waved in their faces while Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper bark about calorie control in the background. Rather, this is a run-down of the saddest sacks in the ’24′ Universe.

10) Jack: Props for being generally awesome, but cue the violins and wah-wah trombones for not finding President Hassan in time to save him. He may have saved thousands of Manhattanite lives, but the whole “Peace Process” thing is totes in the crapper now. On the bright side, it looks like he and Renee are going to get a chance for a little early-morning delight next week!

9) Chloe: At long last, Homegirl sniffed out the Hillbilly Princess as the CTU mole. It’s just a bummer it came about 2 or 3 weeks too late to actually make a difference. Also, is it just me or was anyone else kind of hoping for a face-off between the two tech geeks?

8) President Taylor: Just about the only bright spot for her this week was the amazing bitch-slapping of Rob Weiss during the first hour. You know things are getting bad when it looks like she’s going to have to turn to former President Logan for help.

7) Boss Hastings: His ace analyst is some kind of evil super-spy mercenary. His go-to guy for field ops is really just a putz who got whipped by Jenny from the Inbred Stock. He’s got the POTUS all P.O.’ed at him for screwing up the “Save Hassan” mission. And he’s still being outshone by the transplants from the L.A. Branch. And let’s not forget how awful his office is going to smell once the decomposing parole officer starts to stink up the joint. Methinks Ol’ Hastings has seen better days.

6) Arlo The Perv: Don’t you just hate it when the people you fantasize about and masturbate to during your lunch break turn out to be evil incarnate? Talk about a buzz-kill!

5) Ethan Kanin: As President Taylor noted, he’s always been there for her and played the role of the nice guy. What does he get for his efforts? A season’s worth of hospital food.

4) Dana: Believe it or not, being roughed up, slapped, having your hair pulled, and called Bitch by two different men is pretty much an average day at the Trailer Park. Dana’s used to all that by now. She ranks so high on the sad-sack list because her little immunity deal is worthless now that Hassan is dead.

3) Cole: Has officially replaced Joey Buttafuoco as the man who will go down in history as having the worst taste in women.

2) The Kim Zolciak of IslamoFascism: What do you get for being Tardy to the ’24′ Terrorism Party and stuck in an unflattering wig with only one or two lines on your resume? An unceremonious dumping (via a bullet to the head) courtesy of a resurgent Renee!

1) President Hassan: Went from giving an American reporter pearl necklaces at the top of the season to sitting in a run down tenement wearing a ruby one of his own. RIP sir! I hope each of your 72 virgins in paradise come equipped with a can of aqua net for that truly spectacular helmet of hair you sported on Earth.